Relationship ended

This is going to be a little long.

It was the most beautiful relationship I've ever had and it lasted almost two years. For what seems like a long time, we had a wonderful time together. It was a dream: It began in summer. We were so in love. We were head over heels for one another. We had roses, dinners, sex marathons and conversations that lasted till morning. Often. We introduced each other to family and friends, and felt loved and accepted by both.

We were there for one another. We were vulnerable. She shared so much of herself, and I shared so much of myself as well.

She supported me in chasing my dream and I supported her in chasing hers.

A storm started brewing. Our demons began rearing their heads and we faced them bravely. Together. With vulnerability, with empathy, compassion, and understanding.

We loved one another deeply. We celebrated almost every monthly anniversary for almost two years.

Then the paths of our dreams diverged. I was overworked at my old job and it was taking a toll on her. I received an amazing job offer in another city--a close one, but still another city. We didn't know then where her dream would take her. What I knew was that she wanted to leave the city we were in, and that her dream might well take her somewhere else--where it would be easier to see each other more frequently if I took the job offer. Then the news came: Her dream gave her no option but to stay. Destiny, it would seem, would have us live in two different cities. We faced that bravely too.

Distance set in. We both believed it would work out. Our two cities weren't that far apart. We believed in us. Her faith in us was unshakable, or so it seemed to me. Seven months later, she left me.

I wasn't happy; I was unhappy. I was unhappy being away from her, yet my job situation wouldn't allow me to relocate, and her dream was just beginning. I couldn't for the life of me imagine tying her down or ask her to sacrifice for me.

A love that had been so physical--physically affectionate, physically close, with physical companionship to accompany and translate the emotional affection, emotional intimacy and emotional companionship would not so easily be translated into digital messages and phone calls. I became unhappy. I missed her. We argued more. And more. And more. We started blaming each other. We both felt inadequate and misunderstood. She numbed her feelings. I didn't. I had left.

Then she broke up with me. She said she didn't love me anymore. She said I was amazing, and that I deserve a partner who is able to love me the way I need to be loved. She said she really wished things had turned out differently. I want the same for her, although I wish I could be the one to make her happy again.

Last time a relationship ended for me, I had been wronged and abused. I turned to anger and hate. That healed me until I was able to gain enough distance.

I can't do that now. All I have for her is love, love, and more love. I have to face my anxiety and fears now without her. It's lonely. It's sad. And yet the memory of her love soothes me.

She loved me and herself enough to let go of "us" when our relationship was breaking us. I miss her so much. My gods, how I miss her.

But I know it's for the best--if not for me right now, then certainly for her. And I want her to be happy. I want her to fulfill her dream and live it to the fullest. She has worked so hard for it and she deserves every ounce of it.

 

I should add that this was written while I was in a pretty good and reflected place. Truth be told, I'm feeling kind of desperate for connection. I think I have for a while.

I miss her so much. I really wish she were here. Just being with her made me happy. I wish I could have been stronger for her despite the distance. Much of the time I wish I had never left.