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Am I just jealous or is it truly unfair?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Maddox232003, Mar 22, 2019.

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  1. Maddox232003

    Maddox232003
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    So some background information and let's have three main character, P (Patrick) would be me and the two other people are M and J. (I shouldn't disclose their name due to their own privacy). Anyway, I move to this school 3 years ago and during the second year, I became best friend with M and I started to develop feelings and have a crush on him. But of course, it didn't went well... I end up getting rejected etc but we were still friends afterward.

    Fast forward to last year or the 3rd year. The first half of the school year was normal until a last month, Feburary. M came out to me and said he is gay (He thought he was straight at first). I had mixed feelings about it and ultimately accepted it as a good thing and maybe? Having feelings again? He had only told his close friends about this but I was still furious since he kept me in the dark and kept on making me on the edge and wanting to know more. Or simply, toying with my curiousity. But still it was fine later and at that moment, I thought I could be a really valuable friend to him (since I am the only openly gay person he knows). But it was also when he came out, he told me this "I have preferences". I don't know but... That hurts me the most. Is almost like I was rejected before I could do anything and sadly. That was what happened.

    During earlier this month or the first and second week. M and J were hanging out more and more. (I know J as well, he is one of my classmates) But I didn't mind until M betrayed me regarding my observation on people's behavior which i was conducting on J. And things start to go down hill from there on rapidly. They had like twice so called "lesson tutoring" which they went to M's house. I was like is fine until just a few days ago. He told me they had been dating... And they had... Kiss and... Make out... I don't know... It just suddenly hurts me a lot.

    To be fair, I know is probably my jealous but M told J (J was assumed to be straight) about him being gay since Jan and M told me that when he told J that. It was like a Christmas blessing to J. But to me now? I feel like him comming out was the worst thing ever happened to me. I don't live an easy life either. I am a nerd and a little bit overweight etc. People said I look okay but I have always judge my own look as bad. Of course... I also have family problems. Single son of my mom. Dad passed away since I was young. I don't have a very big social circle. While M is the exact opposite. I think is just the difference but I don't know. So far I am just keeping the distance with M but what should I do? I am just confused right now...
     
    #1 Maddox232003, Mar 22, 2019
  2. Maddox232003

    Maddox232003
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    More info. What I want is, I don't know what to do and is it fair for me or is it just unfair? So M is very outgoing and has a lot of friends and of course, he has a lot of best friends. But for some reason, I was kept in the dark and was told the information the last. It hurts for me to think of it because I am not even trying to be his boyfriend right now and he just kept on making me feel like a useless crap while he kept on saying that I am one of his best friend. This is the crap that I had enough of! If so, is it fair or unfair? And a little more info on J. Well I is a very childish and carefree guy. But I don't know... I feel like I am starting to develop hatred for them since they kept on lying me. J says that he is not trying to steal M away from me or anything but it certainly feels like and it and is something that did happens. Of course their hangout, they just lie is just for study but they make out instead... I don't know... I am just lost again in life...
     
    #2 Maddox232003, Mar 22, 2019
  3. EleanorHunter

    EleanorHunter
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    It's hard to say whether or not it's "fair", just because every single person in this situation will define it differently. I guess it really does depend on how close you were with J prior to him and M getting together. If you guys were really close, and he knew that you had a crush on M, then I'd consider that a huge violation of trust on J's part. Obviously it sucks to feel like the last to know, but I'm not totally sure if that's what happened. If you've made it clear though that you want them to be honest and upfront with you, and they're not doing that, then something has to change.
     
    #3 EleanorHunter, Mar 23, 2019
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  4. Maddox232003

    Maddox232003
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    Well not exactly close with J but is still pretty close and yeah. I don't know... They have broke my trust and just make me feel left out in general. And those are from these... "Close Friends". M says I am his best friend etc etc, but his actions just don't match up. Not to mention that he isn't very supportive to me either. Yeah is just... Lies and deception. For now I am just avoiding them in a way. I have to focus on my own well being and focus on making myself a better person. Is that the way to go or? I don't know... Sometimes it feels like the world is just against you.
     
    #4 Maddox232003, Mar 23, 2019
  5. Filip

    Filip
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    Honestly, I think it's a combination of the two.

    First off: I get why this is feeling unfair.
    You came out first, you confessed your feelings first, you trusted him first, and it feels like you're not fully being rewarded for it. It almost feels like the universe should give you a boyfriend to reward you for all of your efforts.
    And now he comes out and finds a (different) boyfriend after only a few months? I totally get why your instincts are to feel bad about it.


    But also... I don't think he is being unfair to you on purpose here. All his actions, when looked at from a distance, also make some sense:

    He clearly had to work through his own emotions first, and that takes time. Not his fault that it took longer than you.
    And then he had to decide when to come out to you, and it's clear he did remember your earlier confession of having feelings for him. So maybe it's natural that he didn't want to give false hope, and waited a bit on figuring out how and when to tell you.
    And finally, all early relationships are kind of fragile and delicate, and he might not be the kind of guy who just immediately calls his friends to talk all about the first date the moment he gets home.

    Obviously all I have to go on is your story. But it doesn't sound like he's actively trying to hurt you. Even if he does have to disappoint you by not being interested in dating you.


    So if you ask me, the best advice I can give you is to accept that jealousy is normal and that life sometimes isn't fair.
    Stay friends with him if you can, but try to accept that that doesn't mean you're the first one he has to talk about his personal life with, and that he doesn't need your permission to date this guy.

    And don't be too dependent on him either. Even if you're best friends, it's good to have more friends. If you don't end up remaining friends, it's good to have other people to confide in.
     
    #5 Filip, Mar 24, 2019
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  6. Maddox232003

    Maddox232003
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    I mean I get it. I am not going to try to be his boyfriend either but like... Even just trying to be best friends. Is like totally unfair. I will not be bias for this but for some reason. All his other best friends (he have a load of them) and so on. He treat the other very well and he said I am his best friend and yeah here is that, I am not even actively trying to be his boyfriend but... It hurts knowing that he put this label that meant a lot to me and he makes no effort to show that is meaningful. Yeah I am just accepting my faith right now but will be friends with him but also drawing clear boundaries that he must not pass. After years of false hope and so on... I think is just not worth it anymore and time to move on. I doubt I will ever have a chance with him anyway.
     
    #6 Maddox232003, Mar 24, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
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