Hello friends or “Mama, is that because you’re *GAY*?”

Hi baristajedi, I don't come on here very often, but I seem to remember we joined about the same time. I'm glad you and your daughter are in a good place right now, and that you are able to talk so frankly and comfortably with each other.

I can definitely understand (and relate to) your feeling of unfinished business with your ex, it sounds like you have been left with feelings of anger towards her, which you didn't let her know at the time, because you wanted the breakup to go as smoothly as possible for all concerned, especially your daughter. I would strongly advise against making your feelings known via FaceBook, because regardless of the rights and wrongs of her behaviour, you risk alienating firstly her family members (who might then become very aggressive and unpleasant towards you), and secondly, any of your other friends who feel that FaceBook is not the appropriate place to "wash your dirty linen in public." You might feel better to begin with because it has enabled you to get everything off your chest, but how would you feel if the end result was that you lost friends?

If it was me, I would be tempted to talk over the issue with a therapist of some sort, and if it was then agreed that letting your ex know of your feelings was the appropriate course of action, a personal message, or letter delivered to her house, might be the way forward.

 

I can relate to last part on wanting to expose hurtful behaviour: I feel that too. But I also wonder what it would achieve? I like that you can express yourself so humorously through sexuality. All that has gone out of the window due to the complexities of my current relationship - I need to repress that side of me for good reason.

 

I think this is wise advice. Be wary of doing anything that could end up hurting you.

 

When my ex-bf and I broke up just over three years ago now, I realised that he'd been less than honest with me about a few things. How he really felt about me was one of them, and how he'd happily let me think from what he said and how he behaved that we'd be together for the long term.
He was, essentially, a closted coward. Out to his friends, and some of his family, but not to his parents therefore, I would never be publicly recognised as more than his friend and, even then, likely never meet these people as he was terrified how they'd react.

When we split - it was at my instigation that he go and have a think about what he wanted from 'us' - he basically just ran away and refused to engage after we'd had the distressing for both of us conversation that he didn't think he could give me what I wanted. No explanation, no reasons, and to be fair I was too numb to ask at the time, even when the next day I asked if we could talk it over (like adults!?).

That lack of closure for me affected me for weeks, and months. I had come to terms with it ending, as I hadn't been happy at the way he had treated me or behaved, but the lack of knowing the 'why' he'd done what he'd done, really ate away at me for a long time. It created a big trust issue for me and one that I'm only now, two years into a relationship, feeling like i can properly trust my fiance that what he's telling me is how he feels.

I wanted to shame him - and boy, I could've shamed him. But all I wanted really was a face to face talk with him. In the last three years, I've seen him in passing twice (he hasn't seen me), and another time on the opposite side of the road when he was with a friend, and waved. We've not spoken in that time and, if I'm absolutely honest: there are times when I miss his humour and the 'good times' we had. He was never going to be right for me long term and I see that. But as a friend, I do miss him at times.

It's natural for us to feel slighted, and angry at the actions of others. But we can't control someone else, only our own reactions to others actions. It might make you feel better to strike out and 'get one back' on her. But you are happy in the relationship you are in and things seem to be going well for you in all the other areas of your life too.

You're still giving her power by feeling the way you do about the situation. Does she deserve that level of power you're giving her? The guy who triggered my coming out held a lot of power over me for a long time, until I finally came to terms with what he was and it was if a light-switch had gone off. I decided he wasn't going to make me feel the way he'd made me feel for a long time. I decided that I was better than him, that he was welcome to his seedy, narcissistic life, and trying to manipulate others to make himself feel good.

You've got that power to ignore her and the bitterness she makes you feel will, in time, disappear.