"I’m pretty comfortable with who I am. I’m a gay man, and if someone were to ask me my sexuality I’d be upfront about it. Still, it’s not something I flaunt, and while it’s a part of who I am, I don’t consider it important to who I am. But this is where I run into a problem. Because I’m “straight-acting,” I find it’s difficult to find my place in the gay community. What can I do to better connect to people beyond the community, or maybe get out of my head so I can let myself feel more included?" https://www.out.com/lifestyle/2019/...eGVNY2Nye-MxrwGHOixuepW_0ljaLyo7LY-67o3fCcEMI If that resonates with you, I think you will enjoy this advice column. Its a great answer that gets to the main problem. What do you think?
I really hate the term "straight acting", but how many straight men have playlists that resemble those of a twelve year old girl's?
I surprised a lot of people by coming out. I listen to old country music and I hunt and fish quite often. I tend to not wear "traditional gay" clothes, instead, I wear wrangler boot cut jeans and steel toe Ariat work boots. I have a twink build, but people see me as a "macho man" because I once got kicked by a bull and frequent the chutes of the local rodeo. I am the least likely person to be gay, yet I am. the problem is that I have to wear a rainbow bracelet for people to even have an inkling of my sexuality, so I never get hit on, it's kinda depressing that I'm one of the very few gay guys of my age in my area, and its even worse that none of them like my type.
This does resonate with me. I can't come across as a trans dude (no, I don't pass for a man either). Or as a lesbian too, although that seems a bit easier.
I don't like the part where he says "But baby! You’ve got to stop wishing you were a straight man!" The person didn't actually say he wishes he was straight. He says "I’m pretty comfortable with who I am. I’m a gay man, and if someone were to ask me my sexuality I’d be upfront about it."
I'm iffy on this because the response pretty much makes it seem like there's a problem with being "straight-acting" whereas the reality is, it's not a conscious thing for most of us. I don't come across as gay, hell my students just last week asked me if I had a girlfriend, I'm just me. It also kind of perpetuates the idea that for a guy to be gay he has to come across a certain way. Most guys who are "straight acting" are just like that because that's their personality, not because they want to be straight.
honestly, I would rather be straight, it would make my life as a student in a southern hick-town a lot easier, but I am who I am so it's not getting any easier
I'm fairly straight acting. I don't try to be and actually I'm very gay. When I came out it shocked a few people and a couple people seem to think I'm not gay. Well there has been a couple of guys in my bed so the answer lays there! But on the other hand my ex wife said I had traits that gave her an idea I wasn't straight. I was openly talking to my 13 yr old daughter tonight who I'm out too. She said dad you dress differently now! I said yes I have shedded many layers to get to the real me! So my dress style had been noticed by her! I've changed my hair and grown a beard. It's called being me! I'm comfortable in my sexuality and I let it show more. So I may become even more less straight acting as all the barriers have come down.
I relate to this article. Not too brag but I do get hit on quite a bit and there is always someone trying to set me up with their granddaughter, sister, niece, etc. and that’s fine because they don’t know. If someone asks me if I’m gay then I tell the truth. Sometimes I will come out if I think they would be accepting and sometimes I like keeping them thinking hahaha.
I've lost both sides of this battle. When I thought I was straight gay guys would occasionally hit on me so I apparently don't look that straight, and now that I know I'm gay other more flamboyant gay guys get upset at me for "acting too straight" when I won't do drag and other pretty flamboyant stuff sometimes.
Out of curiosity...what did you say? I've wondered sometimes how a teacher is supposed to respond to kids asking them personal sexual or gender identity related stuff like that.
I see that as a coping mechanism. If you find the gay community difficult to fit in with, or simply find it difficult to meet other gay people, then wishing you were straight is a way of removing yourself from that predicament. If I were straight I wouldn't have to put up with this shit. I would not tell somebody to stop thinking like that, because that's their own personal way of dealing with their sexuality issues. If you're already feeling down about something, then putting you in the wrong about your feelings and decisions will only make you feel worse. In the same respect, there is no need to feel bad about liking the things you're into. If you enjoy a certain type of sport or activity that not many gay guys are interested in, then stick with it any way. If you prefer a certain genre of music or like to dress a certain way that doesn't scream your sexuality to everyone, then go ahead. Our long term interests mean more to us than what a passing stranger thinks.
I hear you and this is why I posted it here. A couple of friends and I were talking about this because many of us have been on the other side of "I'm gay, but not a fagg" type of people when we were coming out. Its this weird place where....you try to find yourself by being proud of not being like the other gays...which is toxic in the long run "Back then, I thought if I was going to be a gay man then I needed to quickly establish everything I wasn’t: I wasn’t feminine. I wasn’t promiscuous. I wasn’t the kind of guy who was a part of “the scene.” I wasn’t like those gays. People are always complaining about how flamboyant gay men “announce” their gayness with the way they dress and act. But, Missing, let me tell you, I’ve never felt more pressure to “announce” things about myself than I did back when I was trying to fit in with straight people in Oklahoma." This is from the advice given and I think its the main point of it all. When people anchor their identity on how straight they appear from the outside then its a bit of a problem long-term. It will stifle personal growth in many, many ways and it will get in the way of connecting to other lgbt people. For example (and this is not to call you out personally), this is something that gay guys LOVE to say. For many of us not seeming gay right away is a form of pride. Its a badge. Its the same reason why if someone says "Wow, I never would have thought you were gay!" we smile but if someone says "Ah, yeah called it!" then we feel betrayed. The problem comes when someone decides to do something visibly gay. The problem comes when people stop doing stuff not because they don't want to do it, but because they are afraid of what will happen if people will start to visibly tell they are gay. Its tricky. I don't have a clear answer for you all, but I do know that I used to experience the pain that many of you experience right now because of it. I know that I have met amazing guys who have moved past this and its sad I can't introduce you to them. Either way, If anyone reading this feels this way know that the "community" you have in your head that exists locally is far bigger and inclusive than you might think
I just said no. It was a block that asked if they could throw me a birthday party last week (it wasn't my birthday) and I said yes as it would fall on a day with benchmark testing planned and nothing else and most of that block was already finished, they pointed out that I had never done any sort of intro of myself to them so I let them come up with a list of questions to ask me and I put them into a PowerPoint. After I got through those they just kept asking. The exchange went something like: "Do you have a crush?" "No." "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Nope." And they just continued questions. My kids are both fascinated by my private life (they snoop on my social media regularly) and don't realize that I have a life out of school lol. If they were older and the district was different I may have been more open had they dug further. Previously the same day I had said one of my favorite books was Simon Vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda and they received slight gay jokes from some of good students even. I also have family that works in the district and building. It's really a personal preference for most teachers. If they're like married, they would probably mention that beginning of the year to introduce themselves, but probably wouldn't mention in passing or just in general. One guy I've been talking to teaches high school psych and world cultures and he hasn't blatantly said he's gay but through comments (mentioning he watches Queer Eye, etc.) he told me he wouldn't be surprised if they figured it out.
I think "straight acting" is a really dumb description any way, a lot of straight men I meet have much more gay taste in music than I do and they love to dance to house and trance music, and good for them, I'm just not into that. I've had nights out where my straight friends were dancing their socks off on the dance floor while I've gone to look for a comfy couch somewhere quiet to sit and chill out. Let them get groped up by drunken straight girls, they'll appreciate it a lot more than I do. I can hardly call myself "straight acting" if i just want to sit and chat while my straight friends want to go to a rave.
You know... I've been thinking of my rreply to this thread for two days now. And I don't seem to be able to properly structure it. So clearly my feelings on this are not as resolved as I'd want them to be. But I'd rather offer them before the thread sinks, so here goes nothing! Interesting article! And it touches upon some interesting topics and thoughts. Many of which I agree with. But I'm also kind of left a bit wanting, in the end. But maybe that's just my personal hangups. I DO agree fully that for me, the whole "I'm just a straight guy who likes guys, and definitely not like THOSE gays" phase was not the most... productive part of coming out. And in fact, looking back now on the first decade of coming out (wow, has it really been that long already?), a lot of time was spent overcoming the most toxic excesses of that. I started out really only telling a couple of people and policed myself, and over time went more and more to sharing more of myself. To the point where these days, I find quite a bit of enjoyment injecting just a little bit of gayness into just any random interaction with people. It's fun when you can mention some gay music or gay trivia. It's even better (though sometimes a bit less fun, strictly speaking) when you can use your life experience as a minority to inject a radically different opinion into a discussion. To a point, I think I function better in straight society the more I let my gayness leak out, so to speak. In a way, not being afraid of occasionally being an outsider makes it easier to find my place. On the other hand, however...I DO sympathise a lot with people who are working on that. Hell, I'm still working on that. And quite a lot of time, they have to do that without support. Not from their straight friends, nor from the gay community they're afraid of even approaching. It's one thing to be advised to get over yourself, and to let more of yourself show. It's another thing entirely to actually do it once. And yet another to do it on a daily basis. Especially if you traditionally "read" as straight and you have a tendency to conform. If anything, I'm lucky that I had the full support of my straight friends. Even if they failed horribly at pushing me towards meeting actual other gay people, they did at least encourage me to draw outside of the traditional lines, and always were fully interested whenever I wasn't entiely the same friend i was for the previous 10 years I spent in the closet. So I'm not going to be judgemental about people who are on this journey with less support. In the end, the article does still leave me, personally, wanting. I feel like I did so much work on this already. I'm more out than I ever was before. I've mostly learned to handle my social anxiety. I've stopped seeking acceptance so much from straight people. I faced my boyfriend's conservative Southern Baptist uncle and came out with him decidedly liking me despite the whole hell and damnation thing. Hell, I spent years as a staff member on this very site giving what I was told was quality advice. But yet, I keep failing to find the actual courage to go out and meet other gay people in person. I'll make plans and flake out every single time. So while I stopped doing stuff for the straights, my near-pathological fear for rejection by the gay community has not budged an inch. So I suppose there are still levels to achieve, even if I can't see them now, or how to get there.
Even if nobody reads this it’s refreshing to type. I think about my straightness all the damn time. It drives me a bit mad but I’m still processing my own sexuality so I give myself a break. I work as a climbing guide. That, mixed with a heteronormative upbringing in the great state of Alabama, has left me feeling very sensitive to moments when my machoism covers up my preferences or thoughts or songs I like. I hid for so long that I’m good at it. So much so that sometimes I question how gay I really am. I then think about my suppressed feminine side over the years (not that femininity makes you gay!!!). I think about all the boys I’ve been in love with and all the girls I was totally unaware of. My straightness comes from some outer mold. I am a product of a society that thinks homosexuality is a sin. However, my queerness comes from within. No one taught me how to be gay. I didn’t learn it from friends or social media. I guess that when I’m honest with myself, I was the boy in the theatre watching the Titanic who really didn’t care about a naked Kate Winslet. My interest peaked with a sweaty Jack Dawson. So I guess moving forward, I don’t think about how my straightness gets in the way of my gayness, but more about just being me in those moments. Letting my interests or tastes or whatever reveal who I am rather than a label. Then, not being afraid of the moment when I connect with someone, and letting them know how I feel. Easier said than done I know. I crashed and burned hard this summer but this is the lesson I gained from it. Just as I am tired of acting straight and too tire of trying to act gay, if you know what I mean!
Not entirely sure what "straight acting" is, but just by the what I see by the wording, I'll just assume it means just acting like a normal person and not a stereotype. So, can't say it's really anything bad, or to have any sort of worry about. But, I may be wrong on this interpretation on the term. So, if I am, correct me.
