Hi, It's taken a long time to work up the nerve to share this even anonymously so please bear with me and this massive long post whilst I give the full details because I know all of this is relevant to my current situation. I am about 70% sure I might be gay (lesbian). I'm fairly sure everyone I've ever been around has always known on some level this is the case as comments have always been thrown my way as a way to show me that it won't matter to them if I was. As a result, I kind of went the other way for reasons I'm still unsure about. My parents are very accepting of people from all walks of life and taught me to be tolerant and supportive of people as well and from a very early age stated that they didn't care who I loved, so long as I was happy that's all that mattered to them. I have never been very feminine, I wasn't and am not interested in fashion or beauty or any of the stereotypical "girly" things. I got shipped off to an all-girls boarding school when I was 11 due to my family moving around regularly for my dad's job (so as to not interfere with my studies). Because of this, his employer paid for 90% of my school tuition fees and my parents made me aware that it was very fortunate because they would not have been able to afford it by themselves (even as an only child). I suspect this was their way of keeping me grounded and in touch with my roots. So right from the beginning I was already different from the rest of the girls that formed my classmates and like the rest of my life, I was not into the same things the rest of them were. I loved sports, comics, games, movies that weren't rom-coms and dressing for comfort over fashion. Needless to say, I struggled to fit in properly. It didn't help that I only knew how to make superficial friendships, resulting from moving every year or so, I didn't know how to maintain friendships to last longer than a year. I was the "weird" one of my year, and with good reason, I'd have found me weird if I were in the other girls' shoes. So generally throughout my school life it was made quite clear that being "not straight" just wasn't the done thing. And it was compounded by the fact that out of about 400 students, there was one openly gay girl and one who was bi-curious. They weren't actively ostracized, but they were talked about and seemed to be socially isolated by everyone else. Everyone was definitely civil towards them just... not overtly friendly. I believe it was way to not be "gay by association". I made friends with the openly gay girl and genuinely enjoyed spending my time with her until my "closest" friend of my year group suggested that she was fine if I was gay, but maybe to not get involved with someone in the same school. I had been branded gay by association. I emphatically insisted I didn't like her like that to which I was told that I should then consider changing how I acted around her. I did, and we haven't spoken since I left, but I occasionally think about getting back in touch because I enjoyed her company so much. There's the whole thing about losing your virginity and I was one of only a handful that hadn't done so by 17. Again, I was weird. I had superficial "relationships" with boys who I enjoyed spending time with but fundamentally wasn't actually attracted to just for the sake of keeping up appearances. And I continued that trend after I left school. I got a job and was smitten by my male co-worker who flirted, but ultimately didn't do anything more. Fast-forward to starting university at 19 where all I wanted was to lose my virginity so I could finally just be like everyone else. I still worked during my studies and met George (current boyfriend). He was funny, kind, handsome and interested in me. We went out a couple of times and after our first kiss he informed me he had a girlfriend. I immediately said that it wasn't fair to his girlfriend so ended things. He came to me a week later having ended the relationship. We have been together for 8 years with one minor break in our first year. We live together and are intimately involved with each others families. I didn't lose my virginity to him until I was 23 as a result of suffering from vaginismus for which the root cause was never discovered (though I'm starting to think that it's because deep down I've always known I'm gay). I've not really enjoyed sex as everyone talks about it being like nor do we have sex that often. I don't know if it's because neither of our sex drives are very high or if it's because I'm not very good at it (George is the only sexual partner I've had) or if it's because it was so long into our relationship that we were able to have sex for the first time. I went through a big life change a couple of years ago, I entered a period of severe depression and I found myself considering suicide. I found that I was drawn to stories of women being bisexual/gay in both real life and pop-culture and got so emotionally invested that seeing these successful empowerment stories really lifted spirits. Then I started to notice that I paid more attention to women in terms of physical attraction, and thinking about it, I always have. I've become quietly more intrigued by the openly gay women I've met and less interested in men. Except George. I love him. More than I ever thought I'd love someone in my life. Yet I find myself thinking about being with a woman. But I don't imagine myself having a relationship with a woman. George is the most wonderful, kind, intelligent and supportive person and I love him so much. I honestly have imagined us spending the rest of our lives together, getting married and having his children. He's the closest friend I've ever had, I'm so scared of losing him I just don't know if I can admit that I might like women, especially if it ruins our friendship and it turns out actually I don't. I'll have thrown away the most meaningful relationship of my life for nothing. On the other hand, if it turns out I am gay, how do I break it to him? How do I cause someone I love so much and that loves me so much that much pain? I just need someone to tell me what to do. I don't know if I should just stay on my current path and stay in this most amazing relationship and just live with the curiosity. Or do I risk everything for something I'm not even sure of? And if I do risk it... how do I come out to George? Please, I just need some advice. Sorry for the long post. I just need the best advice possible and the only way I can expect that is if people know the whole backstory. Thank you.
What really comes across in your post is your love for George. You met at university and became very close and he was the person you lost your virginity to. There is no doubt that the love is real, but you said: I deliberately highlighted the word friend and friendship, because that seems to be where you really are with your feelings for George. Yes, you love him dearly and don't want to hurt him, but I think you recognise that friendship is what you really have, albeit a friendship with infrequent intimacy. Is it the basis for marriage and having children though? I don't think so. I would suggest that marriage and children would exacerbate the doubts that are already present in your mind and cause unbearable strain, perhaps even to the extent that you relapse into depression and suicidal thoughts. You didn't actually say much about the depression and suicidal feelings and continued to tell us how you felt more attracted to women, so I'm left wondering if the depression and suicidal thoughts were fuelled by issues connected to your sexuality, or something else? Do you think you can say? It sounds like George loves you, as much as you love him, but his love is coming from a different place as long as he believes you are straight and fully committed to him on a physical and emotional level. In that important respect you are not on the same page and even if you ignore your feelings and brush them under the carpet, all of that inauthenticity will remain. I notice you are in the UK, so I wonder if you have considered talking to a Relate counsellor about everything? Initially the conversation could be on a one to one basis, before bringing George in with you for relationship counselling. Maybe with the support of a qualified intermediary, you will both find a way forward that is based around total honesty. It could be in a continuing relationship, or perhaps more likely as a loving friendship. What do you think? Might that work?
I could have written this. I am married to the most wonderful man, he is my best friend and I love him so much. We have been together 5 years. But I honestly could be happy never having sex with him again. And I am so much more attracted to women. I don’t really have any advice, I’m sorry - I just want to offer solidarity. You’re not alone here. I certainly have found talking to a therapist super helpful (only took me two years to come out to her!)
Thank you for your honesty, I enjoyed reading your post. I want to address each of your points but first I want to ask you to forgive me if I get out of line. I don't know you at all so please don't take offense. I have a tendency to get personal in my responses, more than most posters. I really only want to help. I totally get that you are 70% sure you are a lesbian, it's the remaining 30% I am curious about. You speak with such confidence and assurance of your female associations and feelings for other women, which have been limited so far. But when you talk about your 8 year long heterosexual relationship you seem to still be in exploration mode. It's like after all this time playing the role, you are still trying to define your heterosexual self. I've hung around gay forums long enough to see my fair share of topics involving the gay person's straight friend who must be secretly gay also because of the love they show for them. Well, that's what friends do. They love their friends. Often very deeply. I think you have been playing the part of heterosexual lover for so long that you have convinced yourself that your platonic love for George is heterosexual love. Living in a world where heterosexual love is the norm, it's an understandable mistake. But now, I need to tell you something about George. He knows you aren't really into him. There is no way he could spend 8 years with you without having figured you out. He probably knows you better than you know yourself. You say you are compatible because neither of you want sex all that much? Well, think of it this way. George has reduced his sexual desires to match yours. Why would he do this? Because he knows you aren't into him and he hopes that the love you both obviously have for each other will be enough to keep you from leaving him. Make no mistake, George has always expected you to leave him. It's one of those things that attracts him to you. You are a challenge to be with. He may not know about the lesbian thing but he knows you have been thinking about leaving. It makes him a fool for loving you and a fools love is always the very best kind. It's really, really difficult to find a person like George. You aren't likely to find a woman that can replace replace him. You will figure that out only after you have completely destroyed what you and George had together. You know he won't take you back. Once you leave, it will be too painful for him to be around you. I'm sorry, I wish I had a better response, I really do. This isn't your fault. You did your best to be a good partner all these years and until recently you too were fooled by your love for George. Even now, you sometimes allow yourself to think you can make it work somehow. Should you stay with George? Absolutely not. That would be incredibly selfish of you, knowing what you know now. Tell George what you discovered about yourself. Be fully honest and be fully aware that as you do so you are totally crushing him in the process. You made the mistake of bringing him into your life under what you didn't know at the time were false pretenses. You must now take the responsibly of releasing him from that commitment. To not do so would be immoral.
