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My ex was a gaslighter... and now I'm struggling.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by flikflak1, Mar 7, 2019.

  1. flikflak1

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    Hi everyone,

    As last year came to its end, I exited a toxic relationship. Throught the time that we were together (that was over a year) I went through hell and back. I'm going to lay it all bare.

    This is just some of the toxic things I endured.

    > He told me he wanted to talk about other men in the bedroom.

    > He never told me I looked nice because, in his words 'you always look good'.

    > He told me that 'I love you' no longer meant anything because I said it 'too much'.

    > He told me to go on holiday alone 'to make memories for myself.'

    > He never called me because in his words, I always cried and he couldn't juggle me, his work and his 'alone time.'

    > On top of this, he cheated on me. I took him back (after he BEGGED AND BEGGED) but his good deeds lasted just a week. It only took him a matter of days before he had a bad day and wanted some alone time and that daily phone call was dropped.

    > And then when he had a problem, he would tell me he had an issue with his life but would snap at me when I asked him what it was. So why tell me if you have a problem when you don't want to talk about it? He dangled carrots and left me worried sick.

    > And to top it all off, when we split he told me I was 'no more of an imperfect boyfriend' than he was because he accused me of never listening to him. Yet, I wonder why? My gut knew he was always wrong and toxic.

    > He shut me down for talking about being excited about buying him a Christmas present and said I went on about it far too much.

    This is just some of the horrendous things I've gone through. It was mentally abusive and left me with crippling anxiety.

    I convinced myself that alone time was right and a phone call every day is obsessesive. But it's not. I convinced myself that I didn't need to say 'I love you' so many times. But after stepping away, I now know that's a load of bull. There's NEVER a limit to how many times you can say 'I love you' to your partner.

    Both myself and my ex have nothing to do with each other. But I'm struggling to move on in life.
     
  2. Rade

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    Hello
    I am sure your really hurting now. You deserve so much better than him anyway. Time will be a great healer. You were treated badly but I'm sure this awful experience will teach you lessons and make you an even stronger person for the future.
     
  3. flikflak1

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    Thank you so much for this. Just to hear someone say that I was treated badly outside of my friends and family is nice to hear. I'm still sometimes convinced that the way I was treated was right.. because of his gaslighting.
     
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  4. Dionysios

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    My friend, you sound as if you really put your heart and soul into the relationship. You gave your bf your all. However he was not totally invested in YOU. Talking about other men, cheating on you, not telling you he loved you, his refusal to even call, his insistence that you go on holiday by yourself etc...were clear signs that he was NOT committed to your relationship. I suspect that you were so in love with him that you blinded yourself to the warning signs. It's so sad that the bf treated you in such an abusive and callous manner. You deserve to have someone treat you with the respect and affection that you were so willing to give.

    While it hurts now, please try not to grieve over the ending of this relationship. You are well rid of that insensitive bas**rd! Go out with friends, spend time enjoying your hobbies, focus on work, etc... and divert your mind from him. As the saying goes, "Only time heals a broken heart." Time will also give you needed perspective. Then your heart will accept what your brain is now saying about the bf. I hope that one day you will find someone else who is worthy of your love and affection. Take care!
     
  5. flikflak1

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    Thank you so much for this! It means the world.
     
    #5 flikflak1, Mar 12, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2019
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  6. Anthemic

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    Wow. :frowning2: I’m so very sorry this happened and is still leaving so much pain in your life. Your ex is very clearly damaged and he projected his own insecurities onto you in the form of gaslighting and manipulation. You’re right; he is toxic, and you’re better off without him poisoning your life.

    I’m curious, though... What caused you to become attached to him in the beginning? (Assuming you once were based on how much you’re struggling.)
     
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  7. flikflak1

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    Thank you very much for your reply! Yes, he is one damaged human. I have since had contact with some of his friends and they have sympathised with me. Many have suggested he may be autistic or at least on the spectrum.

    He was my first love. I was too nïeve to notice the warming signs early on so I stayed. We were also sexually attracted to the same thing which is another reason why I stayed.

    Not good enough, I know. But I guess that’s what love does to you. And on the rare occasions he was nice to me, it was the best feeling ever. I stayed in hope I would get more of those moments. But they never happened.


     
  8. resu

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    I didn't want to say it at first, but the behaviors you described sounded less like gaslighting (where one person is trying deliberately to manipulate the other person) as just extreme insensitivity to your feelings, which can be characteristic of people on the autism spectrum.

    Of course, only he can tell you what is true, but I think the main challenge in your relationship was that you had two very different expectations and weren't able to agree on a compromise.

    Try to avoid reanalyzing what happened and try to focus on the present and your other relationships with friends/family. It can take a long time (months or more) to recover from a break-up as you remake your identity as an individual, so take things slow.
     
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  9. flikflak1

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    Yes, I agree with you there. And I do feel that he was on the autistic spectrum. On top of this, his sexual motives were creepy. So there was something clearly very wrong.