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It’s been over 9 months...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by oldpulteney, Jan 26, 2019.

  1. oldpulteney

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    It’s been over 9 months since I came out to my wife as gay. I’m still quite amazed that I actually did it. I never want to go through that experience again. It’s was and still is the hardest thing I have done in my life. I don’t have a sense of freedom yet because I’m still not out of the closet but sometimes I let myself daydream about the future and I definitely get excited about living authentically. Living without pretending to be someone else. For the most part my wife is okay with me being gay. She understands I have no control over that. That being said we still have ups and downs. The downs mostly being about why I got married to her? Why am i rejecting her? WHy is everything she ever held dear being taken away from her. Why we never had more kids? Why? Why? Why? Was my love for her before I told her a farce. Was sex a farce. If that wasn’t a lie then is what I am saying now a lie. Questions I don’t have the answers to. Questions that our therapist has helped her with to some extent.
    Like I said there are ups and downs. Truthfully its more ups or pleateaus than down but when the downs hit they are like an abyss that is so hard to get out of. We are both hurting. As time goes on I am starting to understand her pain more and more. And i hurt for her. At least knowing I understand and feel her pain and hurt makes her realize she isn’t completely alone in this. But in her rage she lashes out at me saying I will have my way soon and be free of her. The melancholy I can understand and manage to deal with to an extent but its the rage that has me terrified. I hate having to go home after work when she is in one of her rages. That’s a first for me. I have delayed going home before because I wanted to stay out. But for the first time its because I am terrified of going home. Sometimes in her rage she will say I have only been a good husband for the past months since i came out to her and I have been very selfish for the previous years of our marriage. It makes me sad but also makes me realize I could never have been the kind of husband she wanted who is available 24/7 and dotes on her and is always around. That’s just not me. I love her to bits without a shred of doubt. I have done it for the past months because I know it will come to an end when we separate. Initially because she was having a nervous breakdown and then... because I couldn’t do anything else.
    As for the separation: our therapist had suggested we start talking about that in a year. The year will be up soon and I think it will be extremely hard to bring up the subject. Visa issues and finances and her not being able to legally work are in the mix so we can’t divorce yet but I think separation is the only way we can actually start healing. Seeing me everyday and thinking about our marriage breaking up will stop to some degree if we separate. Hopefully in another 6 months we will be financially able to live separately and she can go to school.
    The ups are definitely there. I have noticed that even in one of her depressive episodes she will not stop functioning. She still helps with chores or the groceries. She takes care of our child. Life doesn’t come to a stand still anymore the way it used to. And its better each passing month. I would definitely say things are getting better. Things are moving. Maybe that is the reason that after 9 month I have posted here with an update. Maybe things will change soon and we will get the ball rolling as far as separating is concerned or at least acknowledge there is ball that needs to be rolled.
    Thank you for reading. As always I really appreciate you time and welcome any insights regarding my situation.
     
    L8bloomer likes this.
  2. bearheart

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    @oldpulteney you are on the right path, at least that's how it looks to me reading your post. You are brave, more brave than me and many others too. I commend your honesty with your wife and your willingness to stay with her for as long as possible to make it easy on her. Fixing this situation is never free of long lasting damages, the damage has been done, it is now to learn how to cope with the new situation and to continue living a decent life for both of you.

    As for her rages, it is completely normal; anger, denial, false hopes are all part of the process. The most important thing for you to always remember is not to engage and not to let it project on you; it is not your emotions, it is her's and she is the sole responsible of handling them. You shouldn't feel guilty about the whole situation, although it is easy to do feel so. You had your own struggles through the years, and you got involved in a straight marriage for one reason or another, many of us did and everyone of us has his/her own reasons to take this decision. Continuing on with the marriage is always dependent on each individual ability to do it or to break it. As long as her rages are not physical, they can almost always be handled. Just set your boundaries and make it clear that you loved/still love her and you did all what you can to be in this marriage as well as to be truthful to her and to yourself about continuing in the relationship. Sooner or later she'll realize that its over, and that she'll have to take care of her own sanity and psychological health by not projecting any of her issues onto others; a level of maturity that she'll eventually reach at a certain point. Your patience to stay together for a whole year, then talking about separation afterwards is more than enough for your to give at this time. You're doing good, just keep it up.

    Big hugs.
     
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  3. DecentOne

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    I’m sorry you are facing her rage when you get home. If you are not safe, then the “wait a year” idea is unrealistic. I find it interesting though that she seems to feel you are more of a husband now... is that because you are being more real instead of hidden, or because you are being more supportive, or what?
     
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  4. Dionysios

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    Good grief, I can sure relate to what you are going through! I came out to my wife not quite two months ago and have been on a similar roller coaster. What you have described must be a natural reaction on the part of straight spouses. My wife at times cried and ranted, wondering if our marriage was a farce, why did't I tell her earlier tjat I was gay when she was still younger, moaning about how soon I will find a partner while she will be all alone etc....

    It's a tough time for both her and I. Thankfully there are many times when she us quite supportive, "You can't help being gay, you were born that way," "you're a nice guy and someone will find and appreciate you," or "Don't worry, a lot of people will support your coming out."

    We haven't told many people yet so we can deal and process all this. We know that a separation and divorce is in our future. I guess for all of us the old saying holds true that time heals all wounds. With time emotions will level off and after the denial and rage, acceptance will come and we can move forward, separately, with our lives. It appears that after nine months your wife is coming to terms with all this. That's encouraging!

    We all have to hang tight, grit our teeth, and persevere. Coming out for previously married guys is neither simple or easy. But the ability to finally be ourselves and out will be worth the pain and turmoil we go through. It seems to be our rite of passage.
     
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  5. oldpulteney

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    The second paragraph sounds like an echo of what my wife says!!

    Thank you Bearheart and Dionysius for your words of encouragement.
    I had read them soon after you guys posted them but for some reason I am always hesitant to get back on and reply. As if I am trying to run away from the situation.

    Decent one: She feels I am more of a husband now than before because I am more available. My personal life has been put on hold since I came out and I am literally there for her 24/7. I don’t know how healthy that is for either of us. Probably not very.

    Recently I happened to connect with a local guy who came out to his wife last August and is already “separated” but living in the same house. That got me thinking that it might be time to get things going again. Pretty soon it will be a year since I came out to my wife. I feel that we should establish a relationship with a therapist in our new town since we have moved. Not to separate but at least to put things in perspective again. We both know we will separate but I feel like she views it as something in the future. The not so near future. Sometimes I feel like we are both getting complacent. We don’t have sex but otherwise were are acting like a married couple with hugs and sharing the bed and briefly cuddling before falling asleep, beside the other day to day affairs of married couples. I don’t know... its “comfortable” and the complacency is making me nervous. That she will dig her heels when separation is mentioned again or when it is actually time to separate. He had also suggested to go to attend one of the bimonthly meeting of a local gay dad’s group. Something to think about.

    Our wedding anniversary was something I was dreading but it was surprisingly calm. She even said despite all that we were going through it was still something to celebrate. Things have definitely been so much calmer since my last post. I can see she is trying very hard to be in a good mood. I can see her struggle and it breaks up My heart. One thing that I have allowed myself to feel is the sense of loss associated with ending my marriage. And I think most of the time she can see it. And when she realized that I feel it as a loss too... that I am not dying to get out of the marriage... I think that made things easier. Knowing that she was not the only one hurting.

    A few months ago my wife was trying to plead with me not separate. That we had such a beautiful family and why did I want to break it up. She said gay was just a part of me. It did not define me. Why did I want to break up the marriage because of a part of me. I don’t know how to explain to her that being gay is not about being able to out and having sex with guys... yes that is a fun part of it but it is about being myself. All the time. Proudly. Unapologetically. Not hiding. Even if I never have sex with a guy I still want to come out. I don’t know if I am making any sense. I think perhaps its time to fine myself a therapist just for solo sessions as well.

    @Dionysios Hanging tight, gritting my teeth and persevering is what I am trying to do. It’s so hard. I know it is wrong but at times, after all the pleading, I have even told her that I will not separate but that there is no way we can have sex again. That’s the one thing I have not relented about.

    I can’t thank you guys enough for reading this and commenting. It really helps.
     
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  6. MOGUY

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    I want to commend you for taking things slowly. I cannot pretend to know your situation but is it possible that separation and divorce might not be the right solution?
     
  7. NotTooLoud

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    Omygosh, I'm so so so glad I finally left! I thought I would be sad, but I'm not. She probably knew you were gay and was using you. If so, you should not have to deal with her feelings/stuff etc. Get out now, as fast as you can. When my wife spent the money on her own stuff and I didn't know how we would pay the rent and got very angry, she would say "I'm not responsible for your anger." Well, your not responsible for her anger. If you are sure you're gay, you should leave ASAP.