hi, I’m 46, my whole life I’ve had a lot of confusing feeling about both gender and sexuality, but because I was all over the map sticking with cis/straight to the outside world was fine and to an extent still is. A few years ago I started to see a therapist about something else and took the opportunity to open this whole bag. I’ve now personally identify as queer. But I’m married to a straight woman who I deeply love and I’m not planning on making any drastic changes to my outward life. I just feel really stupid and silly that it took until 46 to get here. I’m very happy with how I view myself. And part of me wants to tell people but I wonder “why”, it seems weird and awkward. is there value to coming out? How do you even bring up “oh BTW I’m queer now” without coming off as pretentious?
Can you just keep it simple and humble? “I’ve thought about it a lot and have decided I identify as queer now.” No drama, no lies, just your story. People generally respect that.
Welcome to EC! I too am married to a straight woman who I deeply love, and not making any drastic changes. I came out to myself in therapy, and then right after to my wife, because I think it is so much healthier for us than if I was closeted. Don’t feel so bad about getting there at 46 — it took me a decade longer, and I’m still feeling it is worth it. There are others here who came out even later. The value I find is that I’m affirming my real self when I am out to others. It releases some weight, giving me more energy. I’m also finding folks who come out to me in return, such as a co-worker I never would have suspected. Some people are saying they are seeing me as more relaxed and more myself, that’s good too. The only downside is the roller coaster it put my wife on, emotionally. But I’d still come out to her just the same, even knowing how hard this would be for her and us (the first few months, it is getting better).
Thanks, this post is, my first public acknowledgment of any kind outside of my therapist and a college girlfriend (that went horribly). Thanks for the advise.
Hi there! Welcome to the community. I don't think it is silly or stupid to have realised that you might not be straight sooner, or earlier in your life. Everybody has their own journey and sometimes, things just start becoming clearer later in life. Some years ago, I befriended an elderly man through a gay man coffee group in town, and he came out to his wife in his late 60s/early 70s. It took some time to adjust and let the chips fall where they may, but in the end and while he and his wife decided to separate, they remained good friends. He decided to come out, because he wanted to enjoy his retirement years with another man, experience having a boyfriend. Needless to say, he found a boyfriend (another retiree with a similar experience), moved in with him and started living a life that he would have never thought possible earlier. Coming out, and having a purpose for it, often is tied to being able to be oneself, without having the feeling of 'hiding', needing to be on guard, not giving away any clues. In other words, and now that you have realised there is more to yourself, something that you might even want to explore more, it can cause additional stresses by not talking about it. As DecentOne mentioned, coming out can provide more energy because the energy you spent on hiding, can go now towards something else. That said, when you think about what would coming out mean to you, you might find some insights into your purpose for coming out. It would be worthwhile to speak with your therapist about it too, even if it is just highlighting some thoughts you may have around it. When you speak with others about being you, I don't think there is anything pretentious about it; it is really sharing a piece about you that will allow others to learn more about you and perhaps will also allow you to form more meaningful connections with others (if that makes sense).
Sounds identical to my own story. I came out to my wife at age 54. She too was on an emotional roller coaster and it took her a long time to accept the fact that I wanted to stay committed to her. But the effect of finally telling her brought on a peacefulness that I’d never experienced before. I am much more comfortable with myself and my being around others.
Ryber.....Hello and a very big welcome to empty closets! There are a lot of great people here on EC...I'm sure that you'll find some good support and suggestions to give you a hand as you go through this difficult time. I do understand how you feel, having come out here on empty closets when I was 64. I came out to my wife two years later. She has been very accepting and we are staying together. We have built a life together and I see no good reason to change that so that I can have a boyfriend. Would I like to have a relationship if circumstances were different...yes. However, I see that as causing far more problems than it solves...for me. I know that many others have chosen to separate and/or divorce and I feel that everyone should be able to make the choice that works best for them. What is most important for me is the destruction of that terrible secret that tormented me for so many years. Coming out to myself...accepting that I am and always have been gay was like a new birth. The shame and guilt, the depression and self-hate are gone. I truly am a new person. I so hope that this will happen to you too! It's wonderful to be able to share with my LGBTQ Family here on empty closets as well as a few close friends that I am out to. For now, at least, having one foot out of the closet is working for me. I am happier now than I have been for over 40 years (long story!). I hope that you can look forward to a life of freedom from self-doubt and guilt. A life of being who you truly are! .....David
I found the variation in these responses compelling. How, each of us has a different experience and a different path after coming out to our wives. In my case,after coming out to my wife at 57, we remain married, as husband and wife, and my gay lover is becoming a part of our "family" in a way. This is pretty new. So, I am not sure how it will play out. I think the common denominator is that hiding our sexuality in the closet was not working. How we forge ahead with honesty and authenticity is really subject to who we are and what sort of relationship we want to maintain with our spouses. I don't think there is a right way. But, it is not pointless no matter how old we are.
