When I was a kid (say 7 years old) my best (guy) friend were gonna get married when we grew up. Off course back then it was just a game and probably mostly our moms (don't really remember much of it having crappy memory) however we continued being best friends through out elementary (his family was sort of my second family since his big sister and mine were also best friends) I spent lots of time in his house but not only with him but also with his younger sister (just a year younger than us). I remember we were in a "relationship" (not really though being 2nd graders and all) but when we "broke up" I didn't really care, and even if this could be because I was, you know 8 lol, I think I remember liking his sister. After that I remember us(girls) kissing several times and I liked it. And she wasn't the only girl I kissed back then, but the thing is that we did get caught several times and growing up in a christian family it was very hard to see it as okay when I was frequently told it was not. However, I suppressed it so much that when I got to high school I just pushed back my feelings. I was still close with my best (Guy) friend in high school and since I was lead to believe that liking girls was not okay, I told myself I liked him for a long time, when I really didn't. Him being my only guy friend and also best friend was just the perfect excuse i guess to make myself "normal". That "crush" didn't really last long and again I had "no crushes". I remember my group of best friends asking me who I liked and I'd be like "well no one" and they'd be like what? impossible. And I felt out of place whenever they talked about boys, you see, I never saw anything extremely interesting in them. And so I had no guy crushes through out all high school. Then I finally graduated high school and moved to Canada for college, which is very far since I'm from central america, and I remember my first day at class being extremely bummed that there were only like 6 girls in my class (IT struggles) and I convinced myself that it was because I wanted close female friends (sounds extremely obvious now) . I continued college and last year around April was when everything changed. I saw this beautiful girl at work and I went crazy. Always getting extremely nervous when working with her or near her, my heart beating like crazy whenever she walked by, and frequently day dreaming about being with her, getting to know her and well kissing her. Again I suppressed this and admired from afar. I remember one day my sister and roommate realized one of the girls at work was gay and in a relationship, and my roommate being like "I don't understand! She doesn't look gay." and I had this urge to explain that it isn't how you look but how you feel, I kept it in and it felt extremely suffocating if that makes sense. In May I went back home for a month and when I came back she was gone, and I remember feeling sad and kind of depressed. But I told myself that now that she was gone this feelings were gonna stop. Needless to say, they didn't. I proceeded to ignore them for a while, until I couldn't. I starting looking for lesbian stories on wattpad (which made me extremely happy and I felt myself long for their relationships, which I've never felt with straight couples in YA books [and let me tell you I've read LOTS of books]) Again I went back home for a visit and (not surprisingly) decided to suppress it all again, told myself I wasn't going to read more girlxgirl stories and that was the end of it. Again, it wasn't. Started reading more stories and watching coming out youtube videos. This, in January, is when I started coming to terms with who I really am. Now thinking back to high school, I can tell you that I did have crushes. SO many girl crushes. Back then I just told myself that I just REALLY wanted to be their friend, but the thing is, I never had those thoughts for guys. The last couple of years of high school were hard for me at first because most of my best friends were either moving away or changing schools, and I felt extremely lonely. However, one of my best friends that changed schools decided to come back and I was so happy. After that we became extremely close, we were a group of 5 girls but between us two we trusted each other the most. I remember wanting to hold her hand so much. She loved me massaging her hands and I remember thinking, "why does it feel different with her?". But I loved that feeling. I remember the day I was moving away for college, we were in my car with my family, she was sitting next to me laying her head on my shoulder, holding each others hands and I felt devastated that I was leaving her. She was the person I was the saddest to leave. I didn't realize it then but now I know I had feelings. I might still have. Whenever I go back home, I always want to see her, I always just miss her. While I don't feel the same with my other best friends(whom I love). I remember a while ago when I visited, we went out for dinner, I GOSH it felt so much like a date and it felt GOOD. Sometimes I just want to ask her to move here, to Canada, with me, just because I want her near me. (Off course I can't because she doesn't know about any of this and she has a boyfriend) So in conclusion, this started off as a question.. but is it really? I mean I'm pretty sure I'm gay. Although sometimes I start thinking I might like guys too but I think I'm just forcing myself to like guys. and there it is again, confusion. I think I struggle with it all since I'm scared because my family will see me as wrong and won't support me. I mean I want them in my wedding, you know? ALSO now I see pretty girls EVERYWHERE. This was a huge rant, but I think I just had to let it out and tell anyone. *if you read all of it thank you* Sincerely, Angie
I would say the question mark in your thread title is not needed. You will fit around here just fine. And yes, I read the entire thing.
As rants go that was pretty reasonable. I read it and really felt for you. I remember how long I self-analysed trying to make sense of my own very confused feelings. Crushes came and went and I worked through a series of boyfriends because - well just because that was the way things were supposed to work. It was only as I got older and realised that it wasn’t “wrong” to feel the way I did about other women that I came to terms with my own sexuality. You say that you’re pretty sure you are gay. Don’t make the mistakes I made when I was younger and put those feelings to the back of your mind. Be yourself, explore the world and if you do find out you are lesbian then hey, be proud, be happy and I’m sure your family will be happy for you. Good luck.
Also read the whole thing . Welcome to EC! I identify with a lot of things you have said, especially growing up thinking that you were weird because you didn't have crushes on anyone, then realising much later that actually you did... but they were on girls not guys! Purely from what you've written it sounds like the question mark is not needed but you've got plenty of time to figure out whether you're bi or gay now you've had the 'main' realisation that you're non-straight.
That was not that big. A mini rant, more like. I can’t make a decision for you. But what I can tell you is that you don’t have to fit yourself into a box or a label. Well, if you like girls, you like girls. I suggest going on a date with a few, a casual relationship will help cement your decision. Since you are away from your family ( assuming from your post ), I say take full advantage of the opportunity. Also, focus on accepting yourself. I struggled with internalized homophobia for a long time. It was not fun. Try to make some friends here, there are a lot of people with similar experience. Talk to the advisors when you are stuck. It will get easier. Take care. Have a nice day.
Your "rant" was interesting to read because you sounded like I did. I especially relate to what you said about feeling alienated when the girls all talked about boys (but I didn't understand why). Growing up, my female relatives (who are close to my age) would spend the best part of the day talking about boys, playing games and putting on plays involving imaginary "boyfriends" etc. and I couldn't relate to their obsession - like you said, there was never anything so interesting about boys that would make me revolve my world around them.
