For weeks I have been trying to work up the courage to come out to my husband but now I am wondering if it even matters. We have a lot of disconnect and also going to couples therapy to work on relationship challenges. I’m at a place where I feel like I need to be honest with myself and admit this is not the relationship for me regardless of my orientation because there are other struggles. It’s tough to decide if I tell him about my orientation to be one of the reason we are not working out or to only focus on the other challenges. I know I have to decide for myself what is best but would love input. I’m leaning toward still telling him but would hate for that to be an excuse for him to dismiss the other issues.
Hi i think it would depends on how receptive and comfortable he is to LBGT issues and people. If there's already serious problems with the marriage, that you both know exists then he may already have some kind of idea. Is bring it up in your therapy meetings possible that way it'd be in a controlled environment? Are the two of you able to talk and communicate or is there any hostility with the other issues that would only be complicated with telling him ? In hang in there.. Lol Ron
That’s a tough one. For me, I’ve felt like if I leave my husband I want it to be because of my sexuality, even though we do have other issues too. That’s mainly because he’s a wonderful man who loves me and has been so good to me and our kids, and I don’t want to hurt him. Well, I’ll hurt him either way, but I don’t want him to feel like it’s anything he did or didn’t do. I would think about what is the overall purpose of what you would be telling him. The end result is the same, so what are you looking to accomplish in telling him the reason? I’m not saying not to give him a reason - everyone deserves to know that - but what is it you want him to come away with?
@Ronfindsit @L8bloomer Thank you for your insight. I feel that my husband is a good man and has good intentions but the relationship challenges have made me feel like we are hitting the end of our partnership. I feel bad because I see he is trying but we are not able to connnect. The selfish side of me wants us to separate based on orientation because I feel like it would be easier for him in that it’s not something he can control. But I fear he will also dismiss the communication challenges we have and since we have kids that matters a lot. I’m leaning toward telling him but getting all input to continue to help guide my choices. Thank you!
Y Your welcome, sorry your not able to communicate that definitely makes it harder. I'm wondering would telling him now be the first time that sexual orientation issue's would be brought up as you've gone through the ending steps of the relationship ? I think It's important to remember too, that you can not control how he does/would react either. You have to do what is best for you, i know when i came out to the woman i was living with and told her our relationship was over i had to keep that in mind. That was almost a year ago, that we broke up and i moved out, and i've never been happier.. Lol.
I think you need to be honest and tell him what is happening to your relationship is based on your sexual orientation and not a failing on his part. Neither path is easy but being honest may help lessen the blow.
Thank you... my gut was telling me to be honest about the orientation but was trying to weigh the pros and cons of telling versus not if I were ready to end the relationship. If trying to stay in the relationship then I definitely would need to tell him but yeah... I think he needs to know that our struggles are only one part of it.
I should have searched the forum before I posted as I just asked pretty much the same thing! Best of luck with your decision.
I would discuss the issues in whole. Maybe touch on the orientation last. He deserves the full truth. And if orientation is only part of the issue, he should be told this, hopefully he can learn things to take forward in future relationships.
I think you could/should tell him about it, but also maybe try and be clear about the fact that you and he have had other relationship struggles, so that he knows there are several factors that make your partnership untenable. As you said, you have kids, and you probably want to keep working on improving that communication. For me, it was a combination of lots of things. Sexual orientation became a big part of it, and I didn't want to be dishonest with him about that, so i told him. But we also talked a lot before/after splitting up about the big communication/intimacy issues we had.
I don't have any experience with this, but I think the best thing is to be honest with him. To me it would be better than separating for other reasons and later having him find out that you are in a relationship with another woman. If that were to happen I think it'd be more likely for him to jump to the conclusion that your separation was due to orientation. Just a thought, would it be possible for you to talk to your therapist one on one about your dilemma of whether to tell your husband or not? Maybe they might have better insight since they have seen your dynamic.
@Elle993, if all the relationship issues between you and your husband could be fixed, would you still leave based on orientation? Just something to think about in terms of communicating to him...
Thank you for all these helpful responses. Two years ago when I wanted to start therapy I thought our relationship could be fixed but that was before all these orientation feelings hit me hard. I think the orientation part is too big now for me to want to continue our relationship even if we fixed the issues. Now that we are in couples therapy he is finally seeing how much I have struggled with our different values and communication styles so I think that is good for when I tell him about the orientation. Decision made - I will plan on telling him. Hopefully I can find the courage and timing to do it this week more so because I can’t take the weight of this anymore.
I think you are making a wise choice. The sooner you do so the sooner you can begin to plan the next stage of your life. It will allow you to honestly and openly pursue a gay lifestyle you seem to want badly. Sure these steps will be painful for both of you but in the end he deserves someone that can love him the way can no longer. You of course deserve to live your life as an open, happy, satisfied lesbian if that is your true desire. Good luck, we are all rooting for you.
I think only you will know the answer to this one because you know your husband best. My feelings for women are becoming an issue in my marriage but I can't tell my husband because of his past reactions. He has a tendency to disconnect from our kids and become angry at them when he's mad at me. We also just had a baby and I can see him completely disconnecting from our son. My husband knows I have feelings for both sexes and I still do. And he mentioned something about leaving us all behind if I turned out to be gay. I have a really good job but I'm not in the position financially to take care of all 3 kids by myself and trying to get myself ready for that.
