My first post. I've started a few and deleted them, self-censoring at its best. But I don't think I can afford not to seek support. I have been in a straight marriage for 21 years; together for 22. As soon as our son turned in his college applications in December, I started to re-examine my unhappiness in my marriage. I've been here before. Having self-identified as bi since I was a teen, I started wondering if my sexual identity was more fluid, about 7 years ago. I started full-on wondering if I was indeed gay/lesbian, but upon exploring this in therapy and my spouse, I determined that I was not (gay) and that the issues I had in my relationship with my spouse involving communication, differentiation of responsibilities in managing the household, parenting - they were the focus, not my sexuality. But that changed and it seemed so rapid to me and my spouse. Most likely, I felt freed-up to be more honest with myself because our son will be moving away for college; my career is stable and strong; I have more confidence in myself. I became more ready to be honest with myself in a way that is painful and freeing. There have been a lot of hard conversations and sometimes, my spouse is unconditional and unwavering in how he loves me enough to let me go. That doesn't mean, however, that he doesn't feel anger and expresses it to me in ways that aren't supportive. He continues to be attracted to me and doesn't hide it. It's been a significant challenge to live together. So, I have decided that it would be good to move out. I found a place nearby, and the transition will be a soft one - I'll still be around the house, able to cook, hang out. But also free to be in my own place. That will start to happen next week. Meanwhile, my son is getting college acceptance/denial letters, and financial award letters. Things aren't going as well as hoped in terms of scholarships and aid, revealing the pain of paying for college that neither my husband or I have saved for due to financial restraints our whole marriage. Last night, I panicked and expressed frustration and anger at my spouse out of my fear of some news. Before I could apologize, he told me he didn't deserve the anger (and I agree) and that if we really wanted to vent irrational anger, my recent "revelations" and decisions to move are going to cause us not to be able to pay for his college. I feel very selfish, guilty, confused. I don't want hardship placed on anyone, and out of that deep commitment, I can give myself some space to know I AM doing the right thing based on what I know now. The feedback from my son is that he understands and wants us to be happy. I also know enough about kids his age, and him (I think) that he would probably want to minimize his concerns/feelings so as not to worry me and his dad. My therapist is extremely supportive, as are my close friends, a couple of family members. When I give myself permission to consider all of the good that can come about - even though hard - of being honest to myself and others, I'm not freaking out. I'm hopeful. I don't mind a healthy sense of guilt, but I don't know how to draw the line. I can't say "I'm sorry" enough. I say I'm sorry to my spouse, my son. I'm sorry for all the things that they don't yet realize how this is going to impact them; I'm sorry for how others may perceive them, or me (we aren't in a very accepting locale - some people we know on the periphery can be very homophobic and I anticipate a backlash); I'm sorry for all the thoughts that they may have that I've lied to them, that they can't trust me. I'm so sorry for causing them pain... And, yet, in spite of all the apologizing and fear of rejection by them (which isn't happening), I am feeling better. And the sense of selfishness returns. I suppose that I need to hear from others in similar situations, that this will get better. And by "this" I mean life, fear, anxiety....guilt. Worry/fear/belief that my actions are causing others pain and suffering - esp. worried about how financial decisions could impact my son. Will I be able to tolerate the responsibility that is mine?
Welcome, @lk7. I can certainly empathize with you and your situation. I’m going through similar emotions currently with my wife and son, although he is still younger. The immense guilt I feel for causing her pain-and the feeling that I could just make it stop by saying “never mind, let’s just pretend that didn’t happen” is overwhelming. But therapy is helping. I know that long term I’m doing the right thing. Only you can know that for yourself, and it sounds like you know the answer. My psychiatrist told me that my guilt is a normal, attuned response but I need to forgive myself and “not setup camp with guilt for too long.” So I wish I had words of wisdom for you. There are others here who are further along in this process who can help better than I can, I’m sure. But I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. It’s hard as hell, and I’m there with you.
Welcome - you are in good company here. I’m not as far along in the process as you are (timing and career stuff mainly), but I applaud the steps you have taken. I can relate to not knowing how much of your marriage issues were related to your sexuality and how much were just “normal” issues between you and your husband. My husband and I have been through counseling together and had gotten to the point of being in a really good place... but something was still missing. It’s hard to know if you are making the right choices at the right time, and I’m sorry the college stuff is such a factor. Keep up with the therapy and I agree with @Razorbacks about the guilt. It’s so normal, but I find that the suppression of who you are and the daily facade is so much more detrimental to your mental - and maybe physical - health than the guilt is. Best of luck and please keep us posted!
Thank you, Razorbacks, for your post and reply. I really like the quote from your psychiatrist; that helps a lot. Thank you for helping me feel real about this.
Ok. So firstly, here's a self evident truth (like the FedEx arrow), you're a Mom, and by the life you've described, you've been a great one. Allow yourself to hold that accomplishment high. Second truth: you're a great Mom, the bond between you and your son cannot be broken by this. Your relationship with your son, I will assume here, is the most important one in your life, right? So never mind the backlash from the periphery you describe, in the end, haters gonna hate: their problem, not yours. Third truth: you're a great Mom, and as a great Dad (mine are still under 10), I will agree with my father, you're never going to stop worrying about your son, for this or any of a million other reasons. It sounds like he's well on his way to a great future, allow yourself to be proud that you done good, Mom As for the financial worries of his college, as you said, you and your husband have been together in financial ups and downs over the years, maybe it was mortgage related, credit card related, I don't know and it isn't my business, point is, this new apartment or the cost of you doing what you need to do with your life to be happy, isn't some horrible thing that you did that prevented you paying for your son's college. So don't feel like you need to shoulder the responsibility for this alone, or even at all. I see you're in Texas, I can't speak to the way banks work there (I'm Canadian), but here anyway, student loans are pretty easy to get, to be approved for. IMO, if a person is going to go into debt for anything (and we all go into debt at some point, right?) then one's own education is maybe the best thing to go into debt over. It's an investment in your own future, and you're young and hungry for success right after graduation; all the more incentive to pay it off quickly and get yourself established. It's a lot better investment than a car loan, after all! Also, I'm not sure about your plan to "soft move". You intend on living at your house part time, to cook? For whom, and why? I won't chime in to that strategy beyond this, but maybe really think about the motivation behind this plan, and tailor it a little to suit your needs once you move. Like, are you pulling the band aid off slowly here, instead of just getting it over with? Lastly, as has been said on EC so many times and has proven true for me, you're not alone, there are lots of people who have and are going through exactly what you are. You're going to be ok. And you're a great Mom.
I have been meaning to respond back. I have been thinking about your words and then thinkkng some more. I did decide to move out. This morning is my first away from what has been my home for so ling. My son had been home for spring break (he is in a residential high school setting) and goes back tomorrow. He really does know I love him deeply and doesn’t seem confused, but sad. I am very loved by each of them. Over the last few days, my spouse has been able to grieve and still demonstrate a deep respect and love for me. It is such a healing feeling to be that loved. I am doing the right thing, being honest to myself and others. The world, life, holds that for everyone. Even me. Thank you again for your words.
It sounds like yours is a journey well on its way to being a healthy, peaceful one. Thanks for sharing!
Hi LJ7, I can sense the pain in reading your posts. I too am familiar with these waves of emotions and the lingering guilt. I’m a little farther down the path, but I still have moments when the wave of guilt hits me. I take comfort in knowing that my ex has come out of this ok, and my relationships with my family are still intact. I don’t have much good advice other than allowing space for the complex range of feelings that come with this journey. Best of luck as you continue to follow your intuition
Just a thought regarding the financial issues. Once your son narrows down his college options to a few, I would suggest reaching out to their financial aid departments directly and trying to establish a personal connection and dialogue with someone there. A personal relationship with an engaged parent goes a long way. Colleges generally want to make things work for their students and may be willing to work with your family's unique situation. Also colleges tend to be fairly liberal and understanding of these kinds of issues and may be more accepting than other types of institutions. Good luck!
