I've recently come to terms that I need to explore my sexuality and need to leave my marriage. The problem is that we just had a baby and he is only 3 months old. I also have a somewhat unstable job, I'm self employed and our little one has made working a but tricky. We also have 2 other kids ages 6 and 14. My 14 year old is going through depression and we are trying to find help for her and well as making a better environment at home. I have made a timeline for myself of at least 1 year. I do not have the finances to move and I don't know how I can do that as my original plan was to take at least 6 months off to raise our son and then start working again. My job also requires a lot of stability and motivation and my heart is not in it anymore. I'm not the same person I was before...I'm also getting very depressed. The bone chilling realization of being so different is eating me alive on top of that I cant tell anyone because my job will be threatened and I'm still married. I just didn't know my sexuality and I'm heartbroken. I have these crazy impluses to date and hook up with women. It's all I think about. I'm a wife, mom, personal trainer, fitness model, nutritionist and none of this matters atm. I just want to be with another woman period. I just want to walk out of my life and start over but I'm adamant to not mess my kids up. After all I wanted them when I thought I was straight and wanted a family. My life is just so busy, its impossible to see a therapist right now especially one who is lbgt. I also just dont have the funds. I've considered suicide a few times but I'm my son's food source and again I dont want my kids to get hurt.
H I’m here to chat anytime you like... I know you said time and funds are not available for you to see a therapist but if there is anyway you can make it work I highly suggest it. At the very least is there a hotline you can call for help. I think hotline info is usually listed on local lgbtq center websites. I am in a similar situation as far as being married and having 3 kids. I also have a strong desire to explore my sexuality with women but feel stuck because I am married and at times feel really low and unhappy. Try to focus on the smaller steps involved to get to the bigger goal so it’s not so overwhelming. There is a lot going on if you just had a baby and also acknowledging feelings about your oriention. Have you considered letting your dr. know about your depression and maybe he\she can provide some guidance or resources?
II Talking can really help. I’m happy to chat and be an online support. I have 4 children so can really relate to some of the feelings you have going on. My advice for the moment is to not rush into anything. Have you spoken to anyone else about how you are feeling?
@Butterfly6 I can really, really relate. It feels like you are trapped, doesn’t it? I understand the feeling of desperation that this is all your life will ever be... but as much as I can get sucked into that, I believe deep down on some level that it will get better. Maybe not tomorrow, next week, or even next year. But we are resilient people. I believe you have strength that you don’t give yourself credit for... think of all the roles you play. As a trainer you must push people to the edge of what they can do and then beyond. You can do that too. In the meantime please continue to check in here. Many therapists will work on a sliding scale for people who can’t afford a lot. And I think you need to make the time. Have you read any books on this topic? Maybe Joanne Fleisher (who also does phone consultations)? Is there an LGBT center nearby that you can get in touch with, even if by phone? I had made a call to one near me once and had a lovely conversation with a live person who was a volunteer hotline staff member. And lastly, I’d feel remiss if I didn’t pass along the suicide hotline number, 1-800-273-8255. Hugs to you.
