Anger

@L8bloomer, you continue to be a really articulate voice in EC. i wish you weren't articulating such a dire experience. My heart really goes out to you.

I remember once when I was consumed with rage (about a really egregious situation imho). At that time I had just read something about Homer and the Iliad, which pointed out that the Greeks thought of anger as commendable, just as becoming of a hero as love or courage. It let me justify my seething -- for a while. (But Ajax made a fool of himself, so...)

i do believe in expressing, rather than suppressing. However I also have a caveat. The first —the very first — thing anger does is convince you that you are right... righteous even, dammit. It shows you only your perspective. So I try not to say or do anything irreversible while seething. Some things just can't be taken back or undone, and one shouldn't undertake them while boiling mad.

But really, reading your words, I just keep thinking "she's right, she's righteous." Please have a better day.

 

@L8bloomer I'm sorry about what you're going through. It is tough when one feels stuck. The closet can be from inside our mind too and it can be harsh.

I too had, and still having, those moments where I'm angry at many aspects in my life. I'm angry about the society I grew in, their narrow homophobic minds, their harsh and disproportionate reactions, their expectations from us gay people, and everything else that goes with it, especially that it is a driving force for many of us to get involved in straight marriages. I was extremely angry at my first gay crush too, all indicators were saying that he liked me, but when I confessed to him that I have feelings for him, he backed off. I'm angry at myself at times that I don't understand many aspects of life the way others do. I'm angry at my family that cannot and would not embrace a gay member. As a relatively religious person, I even thought that I was angry at God, or may be religion and religious scholars, for not stating it clearly that we lgbt should be accepted and loved. All this anger is nothing but expressions of helplessness and frustration.

My therapist suggested to me to start breathing, doing some mindfulness exercises, try to disconnect from bad emotions and reconnect with myself, clear my mind from all of this burden. Exercise to be in control of my own emotions. And it helped to a certain extent. I still get those moments of frustrations, anger and sadness, but I try my best to get out of this state as soon as I can. It is like a trap, when you are stuck with all of those thoughts the more you get sucked into it. Engage in hobbies, work and other activities, involve more friends in your life, and keep in mind to keep developing emotion control skills.

As @beenthrdonetht says it "...i do believe in expressing, rather than suppressing...", I do too, and I'm glad that you shared this here so that we can all have and input, and may be ease the process on you.

Hugs

 

I’m sorry you are having a really hard time. I’ve been in your situation and although I’ve moved on from that phase I do still find myself going over past events and feeling aggrieved. I feel angry that society is the way it is and we have to suffer because we love people others think we shouldn’t.

Like you I also had a huge life upheaval and had to come out to family and friends only for the woman to get frightened and decide no. I was the most hurt Id ever been in my entire life and it’s very difficult to go through every day trying to behave normally. I cannot afford a therapist so I looked for all sorts of self help online. A friend suggested an audio book which was basically the laws of attraction.It really helped me get out of my sad negative state of mind.

I remember feeling like I wish I could rewind time. Don’t be too hard on yourself, sometimes I think we can get caught in a trap of over analysing it all. For now maybe just concentrate on all the things in your current life that make you feel happy, hopefully the rest will just unfold in time.

Hugs

 

So sorry to read about this. You tried to follow your heart and it was crushed. However try not to hold on to anger however. It is an acid that eats away at our soul, draining us of joy. You need to focus on other things that bring you serenity and peace. Consider forgiving this woman who rejected you. It sounds rather crazy. But forgiveness is a powerful tool which helps remove the bitterness which fills us with anger and hurt. My friend, you can't change that woman, but you can change yourself. Forgiveness will put you on a better and happiness.

 

I don’t have the anger part, but I can empathize with you. I have met people, even in my own extended family, who have exhibited the behavior your crush has — it is almost as if getting into a relationship with someone who can’t commit is safe, like a celebrity crush (she let herself go further with you, because you were married and subconsciously that made her feel there was a safe boundary you’d never force her to cross). So in your case you were letting yourself be changed, she was your catalyst, and for her part she was safe with you doing that as long as it looked like you’d stay in your life and not make her upend her own. My guess is she will go do that again, with someone else, until she works out her fear or whatever other baggage.

One part I feel with you — “what was it for, why did it happen?” I still have no clue why my fantasies shifted (I use that word, and avatar image, deliberately). If I went the whole rest of my life without that happening, it would have brought much less pain to my wife. Becoming ourselves is like any growth, it causes stretching and pain, I get that, yet I don’t understand.

 

@L8bloomer, oh I get it. The whole thing is simply unfair. Yes, there are worse situations. Yes, there are injustices far greater than navigating this BS. Truthfully, many of us are relatively privileged to be in a situation/society/time period to even QUESTION this stuff! These things are all true. And yet...it's just unfair. And you're allowed to gripe/moan/rage. It's a loss of so many things - identity, stability, and oh - family! So my vote is to accept the anger as it is, let it get comfortable for as long as it needs to stay, try not to feed it or starve it, and know that it's here for a reason. Much, much easier said than done of course!

 

I really hate feeling angry. It’s the worst part of grief. It hurts a lot. Feeling all of it helps us process the truth though to get where we need to be internally. That’s my theory anyway. I hope it’s true. I also think all feelings are valid and when we mindfully feel them with awareness and no judgement, pausing and acknowledging like you are, it helps us act the way we really want to instead of reacting to a situation without thought. This has really been an important part if my learning in this whole experience. Before coming out, I just reacted to the pain and fear of my life without really knowing the root of it. And acted badly. Now I allow all my feelings without demonizing them. I name them. Feel them. And then decide what if anything I need to do next to make life more true and real and satisfying. I like myself so much more now.

Sending peace. I hope those moments come once in a while too. I notice those feelings more intensely as well. In fact, life is lit up now. It just takes so long to get through the brutal times and the pain can take the breath away.

 

I'm working anger myself at the moment. I too feel anger towards the woman I loved with all my heart and also anger towards myself for overlooking some of her behaviours at the time because I was so blinded by my feelings for her. It is taking me much longer than I would wish to cut her out of my thoughts. I want it done, but I loved her so deeply and passionately it ain't happening in a hurry. I've met someone else whom I genuinely care for, but the memory of her still lingers and - while it does - I'm unable to give more than deep caring to another.