Did you / do you act straight to survive?

I don’t know that I acted straight as I still act the same. I’m just me. I did try to fake the straight funk over the course of two marriages of which both wives figured out I was gay. I kept trying to live the life my parents wanted me to have which resulted in me living in my own Hell. When the second wife and I started divorcing we grew together as friends and had extremely long talks about my sexuality and how my life could change if I would accept myself and move forward into the life I was born to live. I don’t know take it for what you will. I do know I’m done trying to be a straight guy romantically. And I’m gonna keep on being the same gay redneck I have always been.

 

Yes, absolutely.
I over compensated unresolved truths about myself concerning both my sexual and gender orientations, by trying too hard to look cool, or sometimes tough, and framing every new friendship with women in a way that should assert my false sexuality by always wondering and seeing if I could get anywhere sexually with women, before learning to respect and be kind as a friend.
I can only imagine how many people saw through the insecure poseur disguise.

 

Fake crushes. As a kid and teen, I used to pick arbitrary celebrities or boys to declare crushes on to try to feel normal while convincing myself the women I had actual crushes on were just women I admired and wanted to spend time with them to learn to emulate them.

 

For me, I just chose to not entertain the thoughts about women and focus more on my feelings for men.

It was too confusing for me as a teenager. I had a crush on my best friend but I was also jealous of her and that boys liked her I was also jealous that she spent all her time with people other than myself.

So I just chose to focus on my feelings for guys which was okay....now I'm married and slowly realizing that I'd rather (possibly) be with a woman instead.

 

I was afraid to act "completely straight" for a long time. My straight male friends all hug each other and maybe come up behind the other and give each other a little shoulder rub. Stuff like that. I was so afraid of being discovered I missed out on some of that because I didn't have the ability to let myself be vulnerable. Now, I hug my straight friends when we meet. It is liberating.

The rest of the "straight acting" is who I am. It's not an act. I hate clothes, shopping, musicals, flamboyancy. It's just me. FWIW, my gay lovers are pretty similar and some have been out since they were kids. I think we need to lose the notion that sexuality requires us to act in a particular way...It would make it easier on some of my straight friends who "act gay"....whatever that means.

 

I agree with this 100% I am now a hugger, and I don’t act different, not a dancer; not a shopper. I’m just a dude, who’s into dudes. I wish though it was easier to pick out other gay men in public places. When it comes to guys like me I have no gaydar. Obviously I can pick out the ones who are wearing the neon sign in their forehead. Lol

 

For me I've worked at conviconvi myself I was a straight cis guy my whole life, and friends, family, religion and society we're really good at reinforcing that narative.

Since I was a young kid I always felt different than other boys. I always felt totally in sync and in tune with girls. I felt like other boys were aliens and couldn't understand why they did and said the things they did. But I was a 'boy' and all the rules were clearly laid out.

I played and exceled in a lot of tradionally male sports throughout childhood up until college. I was a running back, state championship martial artist, and track star and I felt like if I was the best I could convince both the world and myself I was a straight man.

Don't get me wrong I did enjoy sports and did want lot of the ''boy" toys like transformers and ninja turtles, I also really liked my ittle pony, and wanted to be female when I would play pretend. I really believe I was a tomboy girl who happened to have a make body.

This got a lot harder in high school when I started having feelings for boys in addition to girls. I hadn't even heard of bisexuality but knew I liked woman I was really confused. When I started having erotic dreams, I always as a girl regardless of who elseewas in the dream. l just told myself it was a kink or something. Except I would feel sad I would often feel sad when I woke up.

At that time I went to a hyper masculine school and a super religious family this is not a thing you talk about or bad things will go down. This is viewed as extreme mental disorder at best, and go straight to hell do not collect $200 at worst.

I felt like I couldn't, do drama, or dance ect. Or 'people should know'. I loved my parents and wanted to please them. They would always tell me what a good kid I was. I knew they loved me but they we're very clear on there stance on 'Gays'. They would use queerness as a slur and tack it on to the list of sins a person they viewed as evil must also be.

All this time pushing my identities down, I kept desire for affection from men in addition to woman. I also found more and more role models in woman. I always wanted the majority of my friends to be woman as I felt most at home and safe with them, but I also felt afraid of making g them think I was getting close just to get In there pants.

While iIam also sexually actractes to men, I never became romantically involevd them in part because I never felt/ feel safe around them.

Eventually I met and instantly fell in love with the woman who is my wife. I knew she was smart and strong, witty, and adventurous. I also knew she was very progressive and open to people of all orientations.

Despite this I was terrified of telling her about who I really am until last year. I was so scared sheds think I was digusting and leave me. To be fair I was deep in self denial and couldn't accept it myself.

When I finally accept my orientation and gender dysphoria I was so distressed I told work I had a family matter to attend, came home, and let it all out.

She totally accepted me as I am. Whoo hoo tearing up thinking about it. She actually thought I was going to tell her I had cheated, wanted a divorce or something similiar. I assured her no she is still the love of my life, best friend, and soul mate. She was just relieved.

All that said went through so much pain fear and loss of my identity for 3 decades in order to do what thoguth was protect myself. In the end I was just really hurting more.

 

I think I do act straight, the way a dress,talk and walk, but even when I was not out everyone knew I enjoy "gay music" and like take care of my skin, hate sports, so I think to my parents was no surprise.

I act just the way I am, but if I am with a gay friend I can talk about things I did or want to do, because we have something to share, so conversation wise is different with straight and gay friends.

Fun thing, guys think I am straight and girls always get it right saying I am gay.

One thing that I do, when talking I am always always gesticulating with my hands.

I just like guys !!

 

I've been doing this since I was 14 and now I'm in my 40's, though I probably do it a bit less now. As a teen I would try to act more masculine and tough than I really was to try to avoid being bullied at school... didn't really work though. I was terrified of being gay or perceived as gay, and I'm still afraid today unfortunately. The anxiety and tension that go along with it is completely exhausting and it has ruined much of my life. It's very difficult or impossible to connect with others if you can't be real with them or honest with yourself. I don't know who I am because I've been doing this for so long. It became mostly automatic and subconscious after a year or two of behaving this way.