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Have you ever regret coming out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bearheart, Feb 22, 2019.

  1. bearheart

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    I hear and read nothing but all mostly positive coming out stories. But I wonder if anyone regret their coming out, either because of the timing or it did have a serious negative effect on their well being; either from within self thoughts or from others?

    I struggle in the decision of coming out to my kids, the only ones in my family that were born and raised in the US and would be the most open minded to a coming out discussion, although raised to denounce homosexuality in general. I'm scared of the idea that they reject me as their father and that a simple being truthful moment to them would severe our ties. Am I too worried about their emotions more than mine? Also I am worried about them leaking this news to their mom, whom I have a more than a bitter separation and ongoing long divorce with, she would be a major source of outing me to my family and friends back in Egypt, where I'm originally from, which could be detrimental to my familial bonds and support that I use and rely upon regularly.

    I'm out to a few gay friends, I live alone now and am making progress in involving myself with the gay community as much as my time allows. And I see no point on coming out either at work or to anyone else. It is my business, right? but I would like my kids to know, because who knows in the future? I might need to explain my lifestyle to them. I'm worried that I would regret coming out to my kids.

    Any regrets or wish you've never done it? anyone? How are you living with the consequences?
     
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  2. Dionysios

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    My dear friend, I well understand your concern. I am not fully out either. It's an ongoing process which has been positive and favorable thus far. I do not regret coming out. However here I do not have to deal the the cultural stigma that homosexuality has in your native Egypt. You are the best judge of who and when to tell that part of your life which is unknown to others. I think you have used great wisdom thus far in being selective in whom to confide.

    You have a loving heart and I suspect your children must have deep affection and love for you despite their attachment to their mother. You know them better than any of us. They are not children but are young adults. Perhaps they may actually have an inkling about your orientation (as you know, my son knew the truth about me since his teenage years). At present, given the reality of the bitter separation and divorce going on between your wife and yourself, they are probably conflicted at present, torn emotionally between you and their mother. Now may not be the best time to reveal that secret part of your life. However, once the dust settles and you and your wife move on, they may be more receptive. It's important to remember that your children were raised here and may be far more open and accepting than the family back in Egypt. When you judge the moment is right, I pray that they will receive the news favorably through the eyes of love and respect that they have for their wonderful father! They deserve to have YOU in their lives and to know the real YOU. Be patient. It will happen one day and the bond between you and your kids will be stronger as a result. *smile*
     
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  3. Rade

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    I'm out to nearly everyone apart from a few asian people who I don't think would understand, due to their faith. Though I can't out to an Asian colleague recently and it didn't go to bad.

    Like Madonna said.... absolutely NO regrets.....

    Jon
     
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  4. Rade

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    The worst thing is when your ex wife is nothing more than a gold digger......should have come out gay years ago.....I'm fuming tonight.....
     
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  5. AnAtypicalGuy

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    I can’t tell if you want reassurance that nobody ever regrets coming out because you’re frightened, or if you actually want to hear about “bad” cases and you want to prepare yourself. I’ll assume the latter.

    I absolutely regret coming out to my parents. Not only do they not bother to educate themselves on anything LGBT related, but they also downright manipulate me and give me hell for not being their perfect simple child. They’ve been a huge set-back in me accepting myself as a member of the LGBT community, in fact I can’t stand being associated with it in public, not because I have anything against LGBT people AT ALL, but... I don’t know how to explain it... I guess I’ve never had anything good come out of being queer, so now I’ve grown to purely dislike that part of me.

    Nowadays I’m terrified of coming out to anyone. I’m not going to go into everything my parents did, but thanks to their lies, I don’t trust anyone anymore. Mind you, all of this is coming from an environment where being LGBT isn’t even a problem. People don’t legally get killed for being gay where I live. But I’m not the only one in this situation. There are others around here who have had to run away from home after coming out to families and getting rejected. I’ve done that in fact. You talked about being “too worried abour their emotions more than [yours]” but you don’t realise how much your emotions depend on the people you love until they turn against you.

    I would like to say this could have been mitigated if I had supportive friends, except I did have friends with me. They didn’t help enough because I still wound up like this. So please just act with caution. Family bonds can be ridiculously powerful.
     
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  6. Dionysios

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    Your message fills me with great sadness. You describe you parents as manipulative and disapproving. My dear young friend, that's terrible. What type of parents do that? They should love and cherish the precious child they have, not the child that exists in their fantasy. Please don't take their negative and homophobic comments to heart. We all need friends and I am sad that your friends did not provide you with greater support. You may need to find better friends.

    Never-the-less, this is a time for you to remain strong. Don't worry about the opinions of others. There is a lot of ignorance and intolerance still around. It's not shameful or bad to be gay, bi or trans. You have to accept and love yourself. Please don't give into despair.

    I presume you are young and living at home. Do what you need to do to stay safe. The time will eventually come when you can be on your own. On that day, then you can feel free to be yourself. If people still reject you, it is their loss, not yours.
     
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  7. OGS

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    I have certainly known people who have had negative experiences in coming out. I've been out for well over 25 years so many of my friends came out back when it was kind of uncharted territory and I know quite a few people who had to simply cut off ties with their family to one degree or another, in particular a fair number of people who were disowned by their parents. I think this is significantly less common now, but I'm sure still happens. In the face of all that I still don't think I know anyone in real life who actually regrets having come out...
     
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  8. grayman

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    Nope. Everyone I've come out to so far has been awesome about it. I don't live in a particularly liberal or gay-friendly area, either.
     
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  9. Contented

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    Not for a minute! Worth all the complications, decisions etc. never been happier.
     
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  10. bearheart

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    Thank you all for your input. It seems that coming out is not going to be regretted but it can come with a cost, as anything else! The cost might be financial, emotional, psychological, physical or a combination of some or all. I guess that my fears are more of my own, the idea of growing up old with no family around scares me a lot, I'm used to having them around me and come from a background where family ties are almost sacred. I guess it'll have to happen some day, but I won't be pushing coming out.

    I am definitely still interested in hearing all opinions and feedback reflections on anyone's experience. Some would have internal struggles either stemming from cultural, religious, or self acceptance. Would love to hear it all.

    Thanks to all and everyone
     
  11. eleballena

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    i told one of my best friends that i was bi and that i liked my other best friend, but then i felt weird and told her that it was a mistake and now they talk about boys together and i regret it
     
  12. bearheart

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    You didn't lose their friendship, did you? if they are your best friends, you'd imagine that they'd be including you in their talks in general. Do they now both know about your attraction?
     
  13. eleballena

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    we didn’t lose our friendship but i feel akward when my crush talk about boys when i’m with her. they both think that i’m straight and i don’t want to tell her that i like her because she seems super straight too
     
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  14. bearheart

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    Oh, @eleballena, I've been there! don't put too much hope on your straight crush, it'll break your heart. I had a crush on my best friend at college some 30 years ago, and when I realized that this relationship can never happen the way I liked it to be I forced myself into a straight marriage, and it was the worst decision of my life. Although I take it as an experience that influenced and shaped my thoughts for who I am right now. I still have a crush on my straight friend till now, but it is much more manageable. We are still close friends and I don't envision coming out to him ever.
     
    #14 bearheart, Feb 24, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2019
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  15. eleballena

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    i'm not sure if shes straight tho, she acts strange when we are together and takes my hand and all that stuff, but she's a touchy person, i don't know what to think about it. i can't stop thinking about her, that's the worst thing.
     
  16. eleballena

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    thank you for helping me, i appreciate it a lot
     
  17. bearheart

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    No worries dear. I think those mixed signals are the worse. They give hope and crush you at the same time. I guess in this case you have to try to put emotions on the side, which can be challenging, and think logically instead. Does she shows the same "intimate" signals towards other good friends or is it just towards you? is it just her way of treating everybody but it has a certain value to you only? I guess if your answer is I don't know, or this is who she is with everyone else, then you can gently dismiss your thoughts and regulate your feelings towards a platonic relationship. If not, then the possibility that she shares the same feelings for you is there. Only one way to know though, as bitter and difficult as it sounds; ask her! pick the right time and open the subject to her. I suggest that it can be in stages, for example; open the homosexuality subject with her and see what her reaction, then consider coming out to her, then reveal your feelings towards her. It can take days, weeks or months, be patient. And try to use logical thinking instead of emotional reactions.
    Good luck.
     
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  18. eleballena

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    thank you so much, she shows signals to everybody but this last days she has been with me all the time and we're getting closer. i have caught her looking at me several times and she tries to take my hand when we're together but i'll try to intoduce this subjects to her and see what happens.
     
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  19. Aya05

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    Hey, I'm not out about my bisexuality and even though I'm struggling with my desires, I can honestly and confidently tell you that I have not regretted not even once Not Coming out to anyone (well, except here anonymously). So yeah, it's not that fun but I don't regret being private and secretive about my orientation.
     
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  20. Unsure77

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    I’m not fully out and haven’t faced the part that’s going to be wretched. But, I honest think coming out has been good for me psychologically just because I’m being more honest with myself about what all I have going on. It pushed me to start seeing a therapist. It’s pushed me to start taking better care of my health. My friends all seem to be looking out for my mental health and self-esteem in a way they never have before. I’ve had people push me towards more self-care oriented books and activities.

    Plus, as someone who is single and lives alone, this actually gives me hope that maybe I won’t grow old alone as I had resigned myself to long ago. Maybe I can find someone to hang out with and come home to and travel with and grow old with. Maybe. Maybe not, but at least I have a chance now as opposed to when I was suppressing and hiding it all.
     
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