I recently realized I’m lesbian, not bi like I’ve thought for so long, and it’s killing me because I feel like I’ll never be able to come out now. Since my parents aren’t as homophobic as they used to be, I thought I could someday come out as bi to them and really play up the “I still like boys though!” angle. Of course, that’s gone down the drain. I want to be myself. I hate having to pretend I find guys attractive and avoiding conversations about future relationships. It’s driving me insane knowing I have no clue how my family would react to my coming out—whether they’d be supportive or not supportive or just plain confused. I’ve considered telling my older sister first because she’s totally pro-LGBT, but we’re really not close at all so I don’t know how she’d take it either. Please forgive me if I come off as whiny or overreacting; I recognize my situation is not half as bad as most people’s and for that I am truly grateful. TL;DR: I’m lesbian and really really really want tell someone, anyone at all, who I really am, but I don’t know how they’ll react so I’m stuck in the closet for the foreseeable future.
i think that your idea of first coming out to your sister who is pro-LGBT is really good, not only will you "test the waters" on coming out but i'm sure you'll feel better telling at least one person in your family, even if you're not that close. you can also ask her for advice on coming out to your parents, maybe even ask her to be there with you for some emotional support if you're comfortable with that. in regards to actually knowing how your parents feel about LGBT people, try to bring it up in casual conversation. like, tell them you read some news about gay marriage getting legalized somewhere and you ask them what they think about it. but also remember that the most important thing is your safety, first make sure you're not putting yourself at an extreme risk (like parents kicking you out).
Yeah, I’ve been contemplating telling my sister first and I think it’s what I’ll probably do, so I’m glad you agree! Your advice about bringing up the community and seeing how they react is also really good—I tend to read a lot of magazines, so maybe I could pick one with a LGBT-themed article and show it to them? Something along those lines, anyway. Thankfully, I don’t believe they’d kick me out—most likely, they’ll tell me not to worry and it’s just a phase like I need reassurance. Thank you for your help!
Hey choosing the first person to tell can be tricky. I think your sister sounds like a good bet. There are no rules on who it should be or how you should do it just whatever feels best for you. It might be that once you tell your sister she can help you work on telling your parents.
Hi. I know how you feel, it sucks. You know, I'm sure you need to tell it to one of your friends. I think that all your friends need to know it, we choose our surrounding ourselves and there's no use to be fake "friends" with anybody who won't accept you if you tell them. But again, you need to know if they are lgbt+ friendly. If you don't - try to ask, but not straight. If it's okay, tell them. Anyway you need at least one person to be opened to. Good luck
Thank you for your input! Yes, that probably is the best way to go—it’s just a matter of working up the courage to do it. *gulp* Anyway, thanks again! Well, I have an idea how they feel about the LGBT community—as far as I can tell, they don’t really understand it, but they won’t come at me with torches and pitchforks either. I guess I should take what I can get? Coming out to them won’t be too bad, I don’t think, but I should definitely be certain about their views before telling them. Thank you for helping!
How would you feel about going into the chat with your sister as if she already knows? The more you think about it, the more scenarios will play themselves out in your mind and our thoughts like to go to the negatives and things become larger and more problematic than they actually are. You are also trying to let go of your own fears. One thing to keep telling yourself is that your sister is pro lgbtq. It would be hypocritical of her to be pro lgbtq but not supportive when you speak with her. The chances are that's not going to happen and she'll be supportive. This should give you some reassurances. When you say to yourself, 'I want to come out to my sister,' how do you feel?
Hmm....scared, excited, and over the moon all at the same time? You’re right about needing to let go of my fears—my biggest worry is she won’t believe me since I used to be super homophobic and I’m sure she thinks I still am. I’ll probably send her an email since I’m too much of a chicken to do it face-to-face and that way I can offer a more in-depth explanation of how much my views have changed. Very relaxed and happy that someone knows who I really am!
Hmm....scared, excited, and over the moon all at the same time? You’re right about needing to let go of my fears—my biggest worry is she won’t believe me since I used to be super homophobic and I’m sure she thinks I still am. Since writing is one of my stronger suits, I’ll probably type up a document detailing how much my views have changed, why I believe I’m a lesbian, etc. (I’m also too much of a chicken to do it face-to-face.) Very relaxed and happy that someone knows who I really am!
I don’t know why that posted twice with changes in the text....*shrug* Anyway, the second one is more up-to-date.
Having the mixed feelings and the worries you are experiencing are quite common. It is the case that a lot of people who have come out were at first homophobic themselves and lashed out at anything that could tie them to being lgbtq because of fears of being perceived being different, and at times due to pressure from family, friends and peers to conform to expected norms. I don't think you need to say a lot about how your views have changed once you say 'I was homophobic because I was afraid.' If you look deep down into yourself, you'll probably find this to be the case. It might make it also easier to help you feel less nervous or concerned about how she might react. Build on that feeling and wanting your sister to know. At the end of the day, it's also about being honest with yourself. If you combine that with wanting somebody to know the real you, you have a great starting point for your email.
Got it! Thank you, everyone, for all your help! Because of you I feel a lot more confident about telling her, so chances are it’ll happen sooner rather than later.
