Hey all... I’ve been away from these boards for a few weeks now. Work is so crazy and I’m actively looking for a new job. The good news is this has taken my mind off of my other issues, but the bad news is this has taken my mind off of my other issues, lol. Is it weird that I feel a little guilty for not actively thinking too much about my sexuality and marriage and future? It’s just too much right now, but I feel like some kind of traitor. I’m trying to tell myself it’s just a postponement for now, but my fear is that I’ll become complacent in my marriage. It doesn’t help that I ended up being intimate with my husband this past weekend... it’s been several months and it just happened. It wasn’t bad, and it was loving because he is still my friend and father to my kids, but it wasn’t what I know it can be like with a woman. And again, I felt like a traitor for being with him. Why is that?
Perhaps because it's not fully and authentically how you want to express yourself. But that kind of sex can happen with someone who you are physically attracted to and in the right category of gender for your identity. You just have to own the moment and feel the truth and what it is for you. I think just feeling those feeling with compassion for yourself and telling the truth in it can lead you to what you need to do next. And since he is your friend and father to your kids, it is kind to give him the gift of that truth as well so that he can make decisions for himself and for what he wants for his life and for what he deserves. It's complex. There aren't any "right" answers. Only you will know what the right path is for you to take. Those answers are inside of you. Be kind to you. This is a journey not for the faint of heart.
That is for damn sure, lol! Thanks for your kind words. I think part of it is I don’t want to mislead my husband into false hope when I myself don’t know where this is going (he knows I’m struggling with this). I felt affectionate toward him in the moment, but I still can’t say it felt 100% “right.” I know now that some folks are all the way to one end of the continuum and others are somewhere in the middle, so I still struggle to figure out where I fit. Then again, I’ve heard enough people say that bi is often a stop on the way to gay, so I also wonder if that’s where I’m at. I’m trying to accept that this is a journey and that it could take months or years... it’s just hard to live with the uncertainty. Anyway, thanks again for listening
I completely understand, I don't think its a problem that you are taking things slow and trying to figure this out. I am also doing the same, I don't want to make any rash decisions. For now, I am just focusing on rebuilding my business and spending time with my kids. I'm also observing my thoughts, I understand how difficult it is when you have feelings for both sexes. I basically spend a good portion of my day thinking about being with a woman, then I talk to a hot guy and sexually I really want him only to talk to my husband and feel loving towards him. It's extremely confusing, I just feel really pulled towards women atm.
A thought (as someone who's been asking herself many of the same questions): does it really matter if you find yourself attracted to men again down the road? I'm not trying to devalue your relationship with your husband at all. But I've often felt like if I were to leave and experience women and then find I am the tiniest bit still attracted to men, I'd feel like a total fraud who left her husband for selfish reasons. But while I know if I am a lesbian my husband and I can't really be compatible, if I'm bisexual I don't know if we can either. I've been out to him for 8 months and he still regularly downplays, ignores, or tries to argue my sexuality. I have no avenues for expression, no hope of meeting people like me outside of this forum (my husband is against all that, even just real life friendships). An open relationship is out of the question, and not my preference anyway. I have been depressed in the closet for almost as long as we've been married. I don't think this is healthy or sustainable. There's a huge distance between us and I'm wondering if the hard decision to let him go is going to end up being almost a kind decision in the long run. I need to be able to breathe and be myself, and he deserves a person who can give her whole self to him. Am I just trying to rationalize?
Those fearful thoughts were with me when I first left too. I don't believe you are rationalizing anything. This isn't a choice, these feelings. If it were, we sure wouldn't have chosen this hard road. As I look back, I think the fear came from our homophobic culture that tries to make gayness all about sex. It's about so much more than that. It's about who you can connect with in the most intimate and romantic ways. And sure, often part of that is physical but that physicality, when done in a healthy way, is representing your inner most soulful feelings towards that person and that romantic connection. So if you are bi-sexual you have the capacity to do that with both genders. But that doesn't mean that you can do that with your current partner. If you could you would. I think gay people understand early just what that intense connection is because they are outside of the systems of society. And it's confusing to feel it with someone of your same gender when that has always been forbidden. I'm not attracted to every woman. And I can see a nice looking man. But my soul craves the companionship of a woman in all the ways including sexual contact. Just like heterosexual people, gays want that opportunity to reach that amazing intimacy too. I think that is the pursuit of all humans actually. To find that truly intimate love.
Your whole response was very well written but I wanted to comment on this because it echoes what I said to my therapist today. I was explaining that I understand the whole "gay pride" concept now. My husband thinks it's TMI, that people should keep their personal preferences to themselves. But it's not that we want to advertise to everyone who we want to have sex with. It's that we've been taught that our natural feelings are wrong and that is to some degree traumatic and we need to heal that by spreading love and acceptance. We want people to know that what we feel for the same sex is a rich and fulfilling and real as the heteronormative love story we've been taught is everything that's right in the world.
I have also thought about the possibly I might leave my husband and still end up attracted to another man. I would feel so guilty breaking up my marriage and ending up with a man! It’s like, only being a lesbian would justify that dramatic step. My therapist has said that while I definitely have lesbian tendencies, there is also some aspect that I’m just not in love with my husband the way he deserves. Then again, I have straight women friends who aren’t really attracted to their husbands anymore either. Doesn’t that just sort of happen over time too? I know my situation is not that, but it adds another dimension to the confusion.
Same here. If I'm thinking I'm more lesbian on a given day it's kind of a relief; when I think I might be bi it's more disconcerting. I've felt this way for over half the time I've been married (4 years in April) so I don't have wisdom to give on what a hetero marriage is supposed to feel like over time. I care deeply about him but feel like we are more just good roommates. And if he can't really deal with my sexuality, and I can't feel connected to him emotionally, we aren't being enough for each other on very deep levels, even if we're good for each other in other ways.
It's all so confusing. I think about being with a woman a lot of the time and when I'm not thinking of that I'm thinking about my husband or find myself attracted to another man. My intuition tells me I'd be better off with another woman but I may need an open relationship so that I can also be with men. My feelings for women are way stronger at this point in my life. I'm like a kinsey 4 or 5.
Hi there! Not to derail the thread but thought of suggesting that it might be worthwhile trying to reach out to someone with whom you could speak in person such as a counselor or therapist as the original poster has done. Having somebody to talk to, confide in, could help in gaining a greater understanding into your feelings and attractions, and figuring out a way forward. Alternatively, it might also be worthwhile to think about looking up a lgbtq support group in Toronto, and try speaking with someone there (if you haven't had a chance to do so yet). Sharing experiences and listening not only to the other person but also to yourself could provide some clarity. L8bloomer, hopefully things will slowly fall into place for you. I can only imagine the difficulties you are facing with figuring out what the next best step is.
Thank you @Mirko. Part of the issue is timing too, right? Both my husband and I are looking at job transitions very soon, and financially things need to be more stable. But even aside from that, I agree with your comment about having a therapist or someone professional to talk to. My therapist has been invaluable to me during this journey. She has a lot of experience in LGBTQ issues and also has known me for a long time, so I trust her feedback. I definitely recommend that for anyone struggling in this situation. While I have not been in decision-making mode lately, of course I still think about it all. This coming weekend I am doing a women’s retreat/workshop thing, where I will really get into all this. I’m nervous and scared to get into these deep feelings - not only in front of strangers but also myself - but I know I need to do this.
Timing can be definitely important. Sometimes and depending on the circumstances, it is better to wait until some things are settled before embarking on a major change. Job transitions in themselves can cause stress and bring their own (temporary) uncertainty. Working on that first and creating a more stable financial environment, especially for yourself, would certainly make sense. Going to the retreat/workshop sounds great! Making yourself vulnerable in front of strangers and looking at your feelings head on, could potentially be 'liberating' in itself, if that makes sense.
I was thinking about this... my husband knows that I’m at least bi. He knows I have feelings for women and is really ok with that - as long as it doesn’t threaten our marriage. He is ok with the idea of an open marriage (with some boundaries) where I could explore with women. However, when I did that last year (by reconnecting with my former best friend with whom I used to mess around many years ago), we fell in love and I knew I really wanted to be in a relationship with her. I couldn’t be satisfied with just an open marriage and on some level I’d feel like a fraud. That was kind of a big realization for me... so, even if your husband supported you and was ok with you exploring your feelings, would you be ok with him? Or still prefer a woman? Just something to think about...
Thanks for sharing and asking good questions. I am not the kind of person that could manage two sexual relationships at once, that much I know. It would be too much for me. I'm pretty sure if I met a woman and had a relationship like that I would want it to be exclusive. So that's why I've agreed with my husband that an open marriage is off the table. Lately I don't think we're is going to make it. It's been different lately and I'm struggling. I'm just trying to cause him the least amount of suffering in the process.
