Still attached..

My “ex” (feels so weird to call her that) did the same thing... that’s why it dragged on for so many months before I finally had to let go. I’d ask her about being with me and she’d avoid the topic, stall, give conflicting messages... finally I told her that although I knew she loved me, and that she was the love of my life, I knew we wanted different things and I could not live like that. I told her that if she could ever seriously see herself making an effort to live a life with me in a real relationship, then let me know. That was 4 months ago and there’s been no contact. I realize that she was having her own internal struggle, and that’s really more about her than me, but it doesn’t make it easier. I know she kept hanging on because she didn’t want to let go. But I know that if she were to contact me now, there’s a really good chance I’d go right back. And so each day is hard...

When you guys talk about leaving your husbands to live your truth... can you talk to me more about that? I kind of went through that questioning, but I’m still not convinced I’m “lesbian enough” to justify breaking up my family (we have 2 little kids). Was I just deeply in love with this one woman? I’m attracted to other women, but she’s the only one I was with and it’s hard to imagine being with another woman. If my husband weren’t in the picture I’d definitely go for women, but he and I do have a deep love, albeit the family/friend kind. Sometimes I feel like I know the answer and I just don’t want to admit it yet. Other times I feel like I’d only want to be with another woman as a way to get over the one I can’t be with, and that feels like a crappy reason to break up my family.

Sorry for the long rambling post!

 

Truthfully, I don't think I ever got over my first real crushes. I still think of a boy I liked from the ages of 13-18 and I also think of a girl I had a crush on in high school...it's 14 years since I spoke to her and yet; here I am.

 

My heart truly breaks reading all these experiences, ladies. You are worthy of all the love you wanted to give that certain someone, please remember that.

This resonated with me. There is an inherent unevenness to the friendship if it's maintained, and while it's not necessarily the other person's fault (unless there were misleading actions, as some of you experienced), it isn't exactly healthy either. In some ways I'm glad my catalyst and I don't live near each other and likely won't stay close after school ends. There are always little stabby emotions when I hear from her, no matter how much I've moved on, and it's not her fault one bit. It's something I have to deal with, not her, yet I didn't ask for this either. It's the most hardest lesson I've ever been taught, but in return I have the gift of knowing myself better.

I haven't left yet. I'm not in a good place where I could leave, it would mess up various areas of my life, but it won't be that way forever and then I'll really have a choice to make. I can't go back to being in denial, and I don't know how to make myself feel things for him. I tried to get my thoughts together on one of your other threads, I'm not sure if that will help. But I'm feeling more and more like you just can't go back, you have to go forward even if it hurts. I don't like this idea but it's feeling more and more like the truth.

 

She was really THE catalyst to opening my eyes to the truest and deepest parts of me. When I understood that I loved her I had to do it in a completely heteronormative way...like...OMG...I love her like when Harry met Sally, like Snow White and Prince Charming, like Moonstruck!...and I understood fully that romantic love belonged to her and only her. That any intimacy that my exhusband and I had ever had (best friendship love for sure...We grew up together) now belonged to her. And it was magnified by a thousand because I wanted her. Wanted! Physically for sure, but not just physically. My soul wanted her. I felt filled up and connected to her. All the songs and romantic things made sense to me now. She taught me what passionately wanting someone in all the ways meant. I've been out now for 7 and some years so I've processed a lot and have become comfortable in my skin and love my gayness and this part of my truth and life but I understand the confusion and fear of where you are for sure. I remember feeling that if I couldn't have her, I would just stay with him and my family. Because I loved him too. 23 years of marriage. And we had 5 kids. And we grew up Mormon and all of that culture and religion and family that goes with that. But then when I tried to go back it was dark. Like the darkest darkness of despair. And I knew that I wouldn't survive that. And it wouldn't be fair to him. Or my kids. The loves of my childhood/youth/pre-awakening, who shielded me from fear and made my life comfortable and stable. I needed something more than comfortable and stable now though. She showed me that. And I would never love him the way I loved her. How could I do that to him and deprive him of being passionately loved? Keep him somewhere because of my fear? So instead of staying I turned and faced the loss. And it was hard. Grueling actually. But not as hard as losing her. And although I had to face aloneness and fear like I never had before, that loss of her and that deep, sometimes unbearable grief, kept me honest, knowing that my exhusband deserved to be loved like that too and it couldn't and wouldn't be me no matter how much I wanted it to be.

I don't have regrets about my path or journey. Not any of it. I love my life. I love my kids. They are amazing humans. Things work out. They shake out how they should when you tell the truth and own it. That's really all you have to do. Is walk the path in honesty. As painful as it is, it is also powerfully joyful and there is this sense of rightness and respect for yourself inside. That carries you through the difficult times.

 

I am tearing up reading your post. You described exactly how I have been feeling. Yes, this person just speaks to your soul in a way you never knew could happen. I love my husband so much, but it doesn’t compare to the other kind of love I now know exists. I wish I could feel that for my husband. And the part about feeling comfortable - I have totally been thinking of that aspect too. It’s so comforting to have this home, this person and this family. Especially right now when my career is so challenging. But I think it means something that right now I feel most alive when I’m in touch with this group and my true feelings...

 

This really resonates with me. I’m not sure I’m truly owning my truth just yet but I can see that once I do things might start to fall into place.

My first sex same experience was when I was a lot younger - just a teenager- but we ended up having a relationship for a year and a half. I would have done anything for her. Even though I was so young I recognised that it wasn’t something that came along every day. In fact depressingly I’m not sure I’ve ever found anything like that since. When we split up I was heartbroken for a long time. I think you learn to live with it? Or to carry it with you. It will eventually hurt less. So that person will probably always be special to you. Not sure if that helps anyone at all

 

Gosh @FindingLouie, that was beautifully written and so many things resonated with me! Similarly, it was the deadness I felt when I thought about staying with my H after awakening due to my catalyst. And it's the realization that I'm not interested in men generally that's making me accept that it's not just about this one woman (I'm still a work in progress). (And it helped that I read about the Cass Identity Model which said that questioning whether it was just "this one person" is typical). And like @FindingLouie and @lucybee, I realized that I was being selfish if I stayed; he deserved that kind of passion and intensity. He deserved for a woman to show up with her WHOLE self for him. And my kids also deserved to see/witness/experience viscerally a mother who loved herself enough make a truly difficult decision in the face of so many uncertainties. A decision that at its core is so simple...to just be honest.

Geez, I could've written those exact words. This whole thing is simply mind-boggling/amazing...

 

I understand this totally. I miss my exhusband a lot sometimes. And being alone is something that I definitely need and yet is also a lot of work too. I think that is why so many people stay in something mediocre so as not to have to deal with the self completely and honestly and brutally without the distraction of other humans and their energy in your space. Even if it's not totally satisfying. But really...when you meet that amazing connection again with a woman...you will be ready. And it won't be completely messy. And maybe it will be a totally joyful experience from beginning until however long it lasts, hopefully for life. And you will want to meet someone who is ready too. Two healthy woman engaging in a free and open and loving relationship where nothing is secret or hidden. I can't wait. I hope that happens for me too.

 

This was an incredible post and really resonated with me. I haven't had that exact experience but reading what you said, I know that's how I would feel. Thank you for sharing.