I think I know who I am. Just me, but also a crossdresser. I think in the end, I am just a girl. Sometimes, I feel bad to think that and sometimes I don't. I know that thinking "I am a boy," will never make me feel better, so I know I am not transgender, like once I thought I was. Every day, I come closer & closer to just being a girl again. I know I don't have to obey to gender-roles and stereotypes, but I am not feeling great all the time with my options and my thoughts. I was thinking, "Hey, what if you're a tomboy?" and I think about what that means in my mind. That isn't exactly what I want. If you read my signature, it says "I don't need labels. I just need to be me." and that's true! I just want to be me, but there's always something I don't like about what I am doing. Right now, it's my hair. You probably can see it if you close out of this and go back to the Gender Identity And Expression page. How do I learn to accept myself? I have a friend who I've spilled everything to. I just tell him because he is okay with it and sometimes gives me advice. The latest was "maybe you just need to learn to accept yourself, but I could be wrong." We were gaming together yesterday, like we normally do, and he blurts, "What do you look like?" I asked him to repeat himself, I didn't hear him very well, and then I say, "a person." and told him I could maybe find a picture later. I was looking through my photos of myself, which are all very outdated. I was normally confused & sad in the pictures I have. I kind of looked like a weird emo girl who wrote fanfiction (which i do not), hahahaha. So, I wanted to get a new picture, but I remembered how I am currently looking and was not fond of that. If you did not know me, you'd probably think I was a butch lesbian... But since he knows of my struggles, I don't want a picture to prove it. He knows I used to struggle a lot with gender identity and my haircut and clothes would prove it, but I don't want to dress feminine for that picture, I just want to look like me. How do I accept myself to get that done? Hahahaha. That conversation just kind of triggered all those thoughts. They're not super bad, but they're making me uncomfortable.
Why? There is nothing wrong with struggling with gender. Some people struggle with it and it's just the way thibgs are. Why are you not feeling great with your options? What would make you look like you then?
I’d say I’ve learnt to accept myself for my weird blurry concepts of gender expression. I’ve learnt to strike a balance between what I want and what society expects of me. Luckily I’m not the most masculine guy in the lot and I’m totally fine with a bit of makeup and all that. But there are certain things I can’t stand like skirts and handbags. Wearing those things for too long actually makes me depressed so I keep well away from those. I say just let go of all concepts you associate with societal standards for men and women, and just do whatever the hell you want. Figure out what things you’re comfortable in and what things you can’t tolerate, and just stick to what’s comfortable. You don’t have to be either masc or femme, you can be somewhere in-between and that’s fine. In the road to accepting who you are, it certainly helps to establish an appearance you’re comfortable with.
