Left my college ministry group for good

Well I've talked about this topic off and on for about 2 years already and I left Chi Alpha ministry in my Texas college for good."

I left not really on my own terms but I already was getting to not enjoy it or be happy in it.

Why?
-I could not be comfortable with my own sexuality(I am still in the midst of trying put a label on myself or define myself) in a conservative Christian environment like Chi Alpha and I did get a "pray the gay away" vibe for a while.

-I've been told by a specific straight White conservative friend of mine to tone down my posts from the Christian Left that don't support "true"(conservative) Bible theology. Google the Christian Left. Bascially they are a liberal/progressive spectrum of Christanity that supports more affirmation on lgbt+ people, minorities, welfare policies, and bit liberal on abortion(I don't agree on abortion but thats nother story for another time). My friend Zach said I could be a liberal and a Christian but he seemed to bitch when I share posts on Facebook related to the Christian Left/or any progressive Christian ministry/org/church.

-My friend Zach claimed my church I attend outside XA(Chi Alpha) had views different than XA. I invited him to a Xmas service and he didn't like it because he got a "universalist" vibe from the service. I mean it was freeking Christmas Eve service, did he expect a 1930 Southern Baptist fire and brimstone service of the old angry White man preacher of telling everyone to repent or Satan is coming for you, or what? I mean damn.

-I just got a vibe that Chi Alpha projected a "White evangelical exceptionalist" vibe....I mean I was constructing more of a "White identity" for myself rather than constructing a "Hispanic identity." I mean I just felt like that.

-Chi Alpha projecting itself as "the Truth."

-I also felt that my friend Zach had some hiddent intention of me to become conservative in some way.

-I was "let go" of Chi Alpha due to a variety of things: me not following the (conservative) Christan theolgy and sharing posts of liberal Christian views and secondary I just have had chronic mental illness and felt out of place, social shyness, mood swings in large group settings. I learned I was told to leave Chi Alpha from a private meeting behind my back and without any say from me or other people in my men's bible study group. On one hand, I'm pissed off that I had no say in the conversations. But on the other, I'm like I feel some freedom from leaving this "group."

I left the group and I feel I can at least explore my sexuality without having to deal with any oversight by Chi Alpha. I've been repressing my sexaulity since 2016, and it's been recently since I got my new iphone(May 2018) I've been just privately chatting with guys on a hook up app .

 

I never came out to them

 

Bascially I am a wierd place because I'm unsure to continue to be in church or what.

I mean I've been attending a mainline Protestant church called the United Methodist Church. We aren't ignorant like the AG/Chi Alpha camp, the UMC is against homophobia and discrimination against LGBT+ people if you read some of their social principles and this coming weekend they are having an important conference involving the entire UMC higher up clergy regarding sexuality.

I get a bit more welcoming vibe in a UMC service than I ever did in Chi Alpha despite me being the only bi curious 20-something Latino male in the Sunday morning 830am service.

I am thinking about trying the contemporary worship at 930am which I assume is somewhat like Chi Alpha just an opposite view of the doctrine.

 

I didnt come out to them. I was involuntary asked to leave Chi Alpha due to me holding leftist Christian views and secondary just mental illness/mood swings that was triggered in large group settings.

My mental illness appeared maybe aggrevated with me not being comfortable with my sexuality and Chi Alpha presenting itself as holy. I mean I feel like I was in a proto-Cult to be honest.

 

Calf. Well it was a mix of it being more of socializing and about about spirtuality...because I did begin to read scripture a bit more and reading Bible commentaries. So to answer your post, it was 50/50(social/spiritual based).

I mean I am a more okay church than whatever Chi Alpha was

 

If anyone wants to know an update, my conservative evangelical friend Zach just texted me on FB Messenger that it was best that we part ways. And he said at one point that God told him that he should cut ties with me and also that "It is no longer God's will to continue to try to move you towards Christ." Basically he's telling me that "I'm going to hell" but in a polite Conservative way.

Zach is part of Chi Alpha and i knew him since late 2016.

Basically he's being acting more like a small group leader and he made the decision to remove from XA large group worship night. Okay fine. Then he made a decision later to have me not come to small group, and this was after him telling me to still come to the Small group bible study nights to still fellowship. I mean I'm a bit confused.

I've been letting my therapist know about all this bullshit. And she and I sort of agree it was something based on politics and religion that led to Zach's decisions recently. I mean if anyone has read any of my prior posts I've made about Zach you know of a bit the history. Zach wanted me to cut my magazine services of liberal magazines such as the Atlantic, The New Republic, Mother Jones, Harpers Monthy, The New Yorker, The New York Times, and Washington Post. Instead he wanted me to keep reading more and more in scripture and "Christian literature." And he wanted me to listen more to Christian songs and less of secular songs. I mean I got a little pissed about him telling me what not to read because 1. I pay for the magazine fees out of my own hard earned money, and I deserve the right to read what I pay for. 2. I found him telling me what not to read or allude to it as being borderline censorship/fascist if I must be honest. Then Zach at times, would question certain posts I had on Facebook such as a psychedelic vintage concert post of the late 60s California rock band Moby Grape that had a semi naked woman showing her breasts. Zach told me in a text message to take it down because it appeared "pornographic." I mean the photo wasn't a Hustler or Playboy or Penthouse nude covershoot model pic or anything. I mean it pissed me off a little bit. Then another post he saw about me writing a positive comment that was someone from a Leftist Christian org shared about a Church sign that said "God Loves Catiyln Jenner" or something along the lines the comment said I left or the posts I shared from the Leftist Christian org.

Anything postive about LGBT issues, I sort of omitted to share on my wall because of the stigma LGBT issues had within the UT-San Antonio Chi Alpha community I was a part of. I would only share things related to LGBT issues if it was related to bullying or discrimination or murder or something serious. I was being cautious to thread a fine line in the area.

I was trying to at least work things out with Zach through an neutral party our small group leader Jerriamah but it didn't amount to anything from that. I mean I feel that I walked away from Zach

 

Zach had no real authority in Chi Alpha or in my small group. Our small group Jerrimah, a Chi Alpha staff member has authority. I was just getting frustrated of Zach being a self-appointed morality police aimed at my own choices(reading, news sources, movies, music) things that weren't "biblical" were scruntized him. I mean I mentioned I read liberal/leftist news sources I pay for and read and Zach would say I could devote more time to reading scriptire/Christian texts than reading secular/leftist sources. I mean I did have time to read William Barclay(google him)'s commenatries on the NT(New Testament) and did read the Bible and have started to read a Devotional monthy guide called the Upper Room.

Zach seemed to act like he was the small group leader but he wasn't. Partly this stems from Zach's failed attempt to be a small group leader in Fall 2017 after he had "sinned" when he tried to date a girl in Chi Alpha and used shitty tips from some pick up artist website and also he cracked under the pressure of trying to be one and handling classes and stuff. But the way he presents himself in public, he appeared to act like he was our small group's de facto co-leader. He seemed to place a strong influence on a mutal friend of ours named Seth, who lacks good confidence in himself and has some issues(family issues, mental illlness, hardly any friends outside Chi Alpha).

The other guys in my small group outside Seth, Zach, and Jerriamah were unaware of the bullshit that was going on, till I told them and screenshot the texts that Zach sent me on Facebook Messenger. I mean they think that Zach and I could work out our differenes, but I told them, I don't think it's going to happen. Zach told me a polite "bye felica" and I doubt he and I would be in the same room.

And there are other people in Chi Alpha that aren't total self righeteous assholes like Zach that I still talk.

 

I feel upset at the moment over all this

 

I hung out with a friend from XA this past Friday night. No, it wasn't my asshole friend Zach. It's a guy named Nathan, of whom I get somewhat of a vibe he could be gay or bi. Anyway, he had been aware of the bullshit with Zach and me. He didn't take Zach's side, but he had been sympathetic to me and he still did want to hang out. He and I went out, we got dinner, and caught up a bit. He didn't say too late with me, due to him living with his grandparents and he had sort of a de facto curfew and that was fine. I did enjoy the night with him and talked to him, and it wasn't too much about politics or religion.

Nathan from what I know on some texts from last Fall, he identifies himself as a moderate/or somewhat leftist, and he did support Beto or wanted to vote for Beto(we are form Texas by the way, folks). His family and him do attend a Lutheran church, but I don't know which one because they are different branches of the Lutheran church.

But since summer/fall since I've chatted with him on social media and texts and in person, I get some of the vibe/mystique, Nathan may not be straight. Just from his choice in attire isn't your typical cisgender White male clothing that may be seen as "masculine" and his young/boyish twinkish looks I get from. Whether the hell Nathan is gay or bi or curious, I don't hate him for that. I myself am still trying to explore my sexuality a bit and just will see what happens. I do enjoy hanging out with Nathan and would like to be a good friend with him.