Terribly confused

Yes, a lot of this sounds like the thoughts of a repressed lesbian. I used to do something similar when I fantasized about guys. I would see a lot of it through the man's perspective. I thought it was to prepare myself so that I would know what to do when I finally had sex with a guy. It's really normal to not recognize same sex attractions, especially if you've grown up in a place where you don't have exposure to anything other than heterosexuality. I can't tell you what your sexuality is, but it does sound like you have some repressed feelings to sort through.

Something I learned when I started questioning is that we can't underestimate how strong our coping and denial mechanisms are when we live in a largely homophobic world where heterosexuality is the default, and usually, the only acceptable lifestyle. Sometimes people can be in denial for years without fully realizing that they aren't being their authentic selves. Perhaps now that you have had exposure to an alternative to heterosexuality, you're beginning to realize who you really are.

 

I have to confess, @Snehaa, I know this is serious, but I smiled at the rom-com daydreams you have. You just need to have two girls in them instead! (Common now in the West, but not so elsewhere). And @Leah061 is one of the more self-aware people on EC so her advice is good. (Sorry Leah I know that for you that means indecision and second-guessing, but for other people it means you are empathetic.)

Are you still in New York? It would of course be a lot easier to try asking a girl out. I hope you sort things out, and find love.

 

One of the things I learned when I started questioning was that not every girl goes through this. It might be hard for you and I to see, but some girls really are completely (or nearly completely) straight, and when they fantasize, they truly do not see themselves in the man's position in rom-com situations. They want to see themselves as the woman being swept off her feet by a handsome man. There's no part of a heterosexual romantic scenario they have to alter in order for it to be appealing to them. If you find yourself wishing you were a man in romantic scenes just so that you could be with a woman, you should know that this is not a normal straight girl experience.

Maybe the things you listed mean that you really are gay, but you don't have to find "signs" of liking women in the past if you truly feel in yourself that you are gay. It really is hard to see when your whole life you have been discouraged from exploring your same sex attractions, but you don't have to comb through your past to confirm what you feel now. You are starting to understand your feelings for women, and that in itself is something to be proud of, because many women never feel comfortable enough to question themselves the way you are.

 

So I tried to post a link to a document that many questioning women find helpful and it was removed, so I'll just copy and paste the highlights here and hopefully that won't be breaking any rules. Maybe this will help you make sense of what you're feeling!

• You wish you were a lesbian so you could escape the discomfort of dating men.
• Men are okay in theory but terrible in practice.
• You feel like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you can’t imagine doing anything sexual with a woman.
• You feel like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you can’t imagine having romantic feelings for a woman.
• You lose interest in a man as soon as they seem interested in you - very common.
• You find yourself trying to be romantically or sexually appealing to men even if you’re not interested in them.
• As a child you always thought you’d either never get married or platonically marry a friend.
• You can’t imagine having a happy and fulfilling future with a man.
• You feel like you’re performing your attraction to men, for yourself and/or other people.
• You expect relationships with men to be unfulfilling by default.
• You like the idea of men being attracted to you, but you dislike the idea of being attracted to men.
• You dislike being attracted to men in general.
• You only notice the attractiveness of a man when someone else points it out.
• You think your feelings for women don’t count, or that all women have feelings “like that” but that they’re not valid because you think it’s a phase everyone goes through.
• You don’t want to date men, but you feel like you have to.
• You think that because you could survive dating, marrying, and/or having sex with a man, you’re attracted to men (hint: you don’t have to settle for just surviving).
• You think it’s objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men.
• The men in your fantasies are faceless or symbolise an emotion.
• You don’t like fantasising about men. After fantasising about men you feel uncomfortable or wrong.
• When fantasising about men, you’re not really into the man in your fantasy, or the fantasy itself. You imagine another woman in place of yourself or imagine that you’re the man in the fantasy.
• Lesbian or gay feels like the label for you but you still doubt yourself for whatever reason.
• You’re only attracted to fictional men, celebrities, or man that are completely unattainable (i.e. your teacher, gay men, men in established relationships). Basically, you only like men if it’s impossible for them to like you back - very common.
• You prefer/are exclusively attracted to “feminine” men, (i.e. men that wear traditionally feminine clothing, have traditionally feminine behaviors or appearances, and like traditionally feminine things) basically you only like men if they’re “womanly” enough.
• You’re repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”.
• You think you might commitment-phobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when the time comes to escalate it.
• When you do escalate a relationship with a man, you do it mostly because you feel like he wants to, or because it’s the appropriate thing to doy.
• You think your interest in seeing attractive women stems from the sexualisation and objectification of women in media.
• You think all straight women feel attraction to women to at least some extent (hint: 100% straight women do exist).
• You think you have to learn how to love men.
• You find yourself wishing you were a lesbian because it’d be so much easier to just be with women for the rest of your life.
• You think men-attracted women over-exaggerate their attraction to men and you can’t comprehend finding a man as attractive as they do.
• You can’t imagine being so invested in a man/relationship with a man or valuing a man/relationship with a man as much as men-attracted women.
• You dread the idea of a future with a man.
• Men expressing their attraction to men is more relatable than women expressing their attraction for men (there’s something specific about same-gender attraction that any form of it is just more relatable than different gender attraction).
• You think you just have to give men a chance.
• You feel very uncomfortable reading or watching m/f erotica, or even just general m/f romantic interactions.
• Other people tell you you’re acting like an over-invested lesbian ally or you feel like you are acting like an over-invested lesbian ally.
• You think your relationships with men don’t work out because you’re bad at relationships in general.
• You think you just have high standards and that’s why you don’t want to date any men.
• You think you’re just a late bloomer and will be attracted to men eventually.
• You just. Pick a dude at random to be attracted to.
• The only men you’re attracted to are those who hurt you, harass you, or abuse you.
• You think it’s impossible for lesbians to have a happy future with women but you think you could be the exception to the rule (this ties in with internalised homophobia).
• Do you love them because they’re your boyfriend or are they your boyfriend because you love them? If it’s the first, you might not actually be attracted to them.
• You go through past memories trying to prove your attraction to men (”But I had a boyfriend when I was 13!”).
• You put yourself through having romantic or sexual relationships with men to prove to yourself and other people that you’re attracted to men.
• You know that lesbians exist but you think you can’t possibly be one of them because if you were, you’d know already - very common.
• You think you’re attracted to men but just don’t want to date them.
• You don’t like kissing/touching/having sex with your husband/boyfriend or you’re not attracted to your husband/boyfriend but it must be because he’s not the one for you (or another excuse).
• Most of your experiences with men are/were men being attracted to you, and you sort of going along with it.
• You only develop attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to them.
• You find yourself wishing you could just have one hot fling with a woman just to try it out, or fantasise about it.
• You think attraction is just “not being disgusted by a man”.
• You enjoy consuming f/f erotica a lot more than any other type, and find fantasising about women a lot more satisfying than any other fantasy.
• You crave “platonic” physical contact with your female friends but wish that men would just leave you alone.
• You’re only attracted to men whose attention would somehow be profitable (i.e. men in positions of power such as your boss).
• Deciding who to be attracted to, or asking people who you should crush on.
• You try to pursue your feelings for other women through going on “platonic dates” with women and “practising on women”.
• You think you’re too young/busy to be attracted to men or have a fulfilling relationship with a man.
• “I would totally date [x woman] if they were a guy!! ! !!”
• You have abstract crushes that you don’t actually want to progress into romantic and/or sexual relationships - very common.
• You date men because it’s what you’re supposed to do, and stay with them because you can’t find a good reason to break up.
• You really want to be a lesbian and only date women but feel like you can’t because of some lingering, vague idea of attraction to men, but the idea of dating a man is distressing, gross, upsetting, boring, unsatisfying or makes you feel trapped.
• Being very specific with the men you’re “interested” in but having absolutely no type when it comes to girls because they’re all so beautiful.
• Your favourite character in every show is that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (examples: Shego from Kim Possible, Spinelli from Recess, Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica).
• You wish your boyfriend/husband was more like a female friend.

• it seems like you have to force yourself to find guys attractive, have crushes on them, etc.
• you feel grossed out by/neutral towards heterosexual romance, but not romance between women
• you couldn’t imagine yourself being in a very long-term relationship with/married to a man
• you feel like you could have a romantic relationship with a man but not a sexual relationship, or vice versa
• your attraction to men feels less real than your attraction to women, and it feels much more forced

 

This list is beyond awesome. Should be a permanent sticky or FAQ or something.

Hmm, I have that feeling too!