Sometimes, I find it hard to accept criticism. It's not because I falsely believe that I am perfect or anything among those lines, but rather that I find it hard to separate my work from myself. It's a bad habit of mine. Usually I get so swept up in something. Me (thinking): Wow, I actually did it, I'm really improving, maybe I'm not doomed. Someone else (looks over at my work): That's great, but this is incorrect, and that, plus this needs to be over here... Me (thinking): Well of course you mess this up. Pft. Just like you. Sure, you're improving, but at such a slow rate that frankly it's embarrassing! No. Stop it. You shouldn't think about yourself like that. It's just a few things that need changing. Well yeah, it's always a few things! But they keep adding up, don't they? You've always been behind everyone, haven't you? Oh shut up. I'm moving on with my life. That doesn't change the fact that you live in a bad economy, existing in a competitive industry that you're nowhere near good enough to get into! Well what do you want me to do? Hmm? I don't mind working in a slightly different job to what I want to do, I'm flexible although I have my limits. Oh please. You don't even know what you want to do. I mean, your friends all have niches that they fall into neatly, but you? *Laughs* What do you have to offer? I don't freaking know! Something! I have ideas but I don't have the skill to pull them off yet, I'm trying to learn how but no... I don't know when I'll get there... but... I'm trying. Ha. You should burn all your work. Give up. Person#2:??? Hello? You OK in there? Me: *Starts crying* Person#2: Why are you crying? Me: I know it's terrible. Person#2: No, I never said that. Do you struggle to deal with criticism and your mind just kind of spirals into despair even when it's minor? I...I don't know how else to describe it. *Shrugs*
Recently (last summer), I went through a pretty rough period where my mind was not kind to my emotions or self-esteem, especially in my work environment. I feel that I am similar to you, in that I feel a lot of attachment to my ability to proficiently do work, and (well, used to) attached a lot of my self-worth to my worth as an employee. After all - what else in this life is there to appreciate outside of accomplishing tasks? ... WRONG! For me, things started to change for the better after I made some difficult, but ultimately positive, life choices. For me, this meant ending a nearly seven year relationship with my high school boyfriend, whom I lived with at the time, and had two beautiful German Shepherd puppies with. For you, it might mean something completely different, but the goal, for everyone, should be to (continuously) identify what is mentally holding you down, and either improve through slow change or remove (within reason) that influence on your life. I've found that, with less emotional weight from my relationship on my mind, I've transformed my mind's habits into mostly positive ones. When I hear something bad, no longer does my mind default to the stressed-out, unhappy setting. Instead, my mind feels a lot more open and able to handle those emotionally trying situations. That, and being out of a relationship, gave me a lot of time (and money) to pursue my own hobbies, which further separates my mind from being attached to work-related things (and work-related for you might mean school, if you're a student). I've spent like $400 this month on an elaborate gongfu Chinese tea brewing set, and $200 on an indoor greenhouse that I've been growing a lot of culinary herbs in. I might've gotten too deep or too zen on you there, but I hope everything gets better for you. I was in a really awful place last year, almost to the point of taking my own life, and I remember that awful feeling where any negative thing sets your mind off, regardless of whether you know it really isn't a big deal. It gets better. Part of life is learning how to make it better. Looking back now on where I was last year, I'm thankful for the experiences I've had, and the knowledge of how to overcome those hurdles now.
@Canterpiece, would you say this reaction to criticism is a new thing for you, or has it become a pattern that goes back a long time? Have there been many times in your life where you have felt criticised? Tell us, if you can.
I like to think I can take criticism pretty well. It helps to filter out the stuff that can actually improve your work from the stuff that you simply don’t feel is necessary. All creative pursuits are subjective so you don’t need to take on board EVERY piece of criticism thrown at you, but from time to time you’ll come across valid points you wouldn’t have thought of otherwise, and by taking that on board you could actually improve your work. What’s not to like about that? Maybe this doesn’t help at all, maybe you just wanted to hear from other people with similar struggles. But that’s my take on how to save yourself from some of those feelings.
I suppose it depends on how you view criticism. If you view it as a personal attack, then one can become upset, angry and defensive. If, on the other hand, you view criticism as an opportunity for growth, then it can become a positive influence for self improvement. Often when we are criticized, if we can look beyond the pain of our wounded pride, we might discover that there may be a kernal or nugget of truth behind the criticism. Then we can redirect our behavior and make a needed correction for the good.
I would say that it's something which goes back almost as far as I can remember. When I was younger, I could never admit to being wrong about anything even when I knew I was. There were a lot of factors that went into the development of this...stubborn pride. I wanted, almost more than anything, to have a skill that I'm exceptionally good at...one that no one could take away from me. Admittedly, I spent way too much time staying motivated by purely trying to prove people wrong. Which ultimately backfired when the people in my life who questioned my worth were no longer around, I was left without a drive to do anything. Since I'd been doing it all for the wrong reasons. I can now admit to being wrong. This might not seem like much, especially in trivial arguments, but it's actually a significant personal step. When I create art, I pour everything into it. Getting caught up in the details. I want to make something amazing because I feel mundane. Mediocre. Average. I want something that I can look at, and say "I did that!", and, well, deep down I'm insecure. As much as I'd like to say that I'm completely free from the hang ups of my past, I'm not quite there yet. There's still that part which is hurting, the side of me that fears what the horrible people in my life said about me is actually true...that I truly am going to fail hopelessly. A self-fulfilling prophecy planted into my brain, that will eventually blossom into reality. Due to low expectations, I was always driven to be the best because I so desperately wanted to prove people wrong. To prove it to myself...that I'm not just a waste of space. Other times I didn't try because I had no drive to. I've always been a naturally overly anxious person. So my brain tends to spiral, even when something is harmless. Or if I know that the criticism is solid, and I know it's not a personal...I sometimes find it hard not to automatically jump to the worst case scenario. I'm aware (and I appreciate the helpful suggestions, despite what it might seem) that it's just a few changes and I'm getting there...but at the same time there's this other side. A part of me that seemingly wants to sabotage myself. To curse out into a void, set all my progress on fire and scream. I sometimes worry that I'm going to end up slipping back into feeling depressed again. And I don't want to go back to that. But I don't think I will. I've been doing well recently, mentally. I realise that what I wrote in the OP might not suggest that, but actually that spiral of thoughts is a lot tamer than what it used to be. After all, I've taught myself how to accept being wrong in a mature manner. With time, I'll learn how to deal with criticism properly. Sorry, this might not make a lot of sense.
It sounds like many people are offering you feedback, but you are taking it as criticism even when no criticism is intended and that's why I asked if you have always had a bad reaction to criticism. It's interesting that you mentioned having people around who questioned your worth and that would seem to feed into this idea of being criticised. I wonder, have you ever discussed this issue with a counsellor? I wouldn't mind betting that issues from the past are churning up all of this present struggle and you might find it helpful to identify some of the causes. On some level there is probably a protective instinct ticking over.
I am aware that it is feedback and not a personal critique, but nevertheless my brain still spirals sometimes. After all, people aren't always logical. I'm trying to cut back on this though. No, I've never discussed it with a counsellor. I'm aware that it's probably tied to my past. Personally, I think this is something that I'd rather work out myself. I don't want to go back to a counsellor, as it felt as though I was just wasting everyone's time. My experience with it was that they were amazed at how resilient my coping mechanisms are, and how I was one of the most normal people they had ever met. Plus they started speculating about a bunch of labels that didn't fit and it made me uncomfortable. As though they were more focused on putting me in a neat little category than understanding me as a person. I just...yeah, it was a bit much. But I know that not all counsellors are like that, still...I'd rather try to figure this one out on my own.
