Kinda out but not really

So, I know I haven’t been around much lately, but in the past few months quite a bit has changed for me. I transferred to a new university and I’m basically out now to anyone who asks as queer, though more specifically I’m understood to basically be a lesbian by most of my friends and people who know I have a girlfriend. The thing is, I’m kinda living a double life, because my mom only kinda knows, (I’ll explain more about that in detail in a minute), and my dad not at all. None of my extended family knows either including my former best friend who comes from a homophobic family. The only people who know at all are my sister, and my new friends. The thing is I don’t feel like maybe I did an adequate job with my mom when I told her like seven months ago I like girls and guys. Those were the words I used; I shied away from using a label because I mostly just wanted her to understand what the deal with me is. The thing is, I get hints from her she remembers, but I wonder in the back of her head if maybe she thinks this is a phase? Idk. She seemed to take it seriously when I told her by text and said that though it confused her she was fine with it. So she wasn’t mad. But my dad has no idea at all. And I’m scared to tell him not because he will be upset or reject me but because I don’t think he’ll believe me. See, the biggest obstacle for my coming out is I used to be obsessed with men. And I still like men in some ways on some level, but that doesn’t mean I want to date them or that in the long term I think I’m capable of being happy with one. I love my girlfriend more than anything in this world and I seriously don’t know if a man could ever actually do that for me. I want her and that’s it. I’m afraid that 1, my dad will find it impossible that his super straight appearing daughter is gay, because the concept of sexuality being fluid is not something he’s familiar with, and 2, that if I ever admit to liking men still on some level and finding them at least visually appealing, they will think I must not really be gay, (because accepting technically bi who only wants to date women isn’t seen as valid maybe?) And that since I can see a good looking guy and recognize that and enjoy looking at them, they will think I should “try harder” to just be straight, and I must not really be a lesbian so I must be just confused. I guess I just need advice on how to shift my family’s perception of me. How can I move them mentally as smoothly as possible from thinking I was a boy crazy straight girl, to a girl who now has a girlfriend who I love very much and wants them to accept?

 

Ugh I’m feeling worried now and I don’t know why. My dad mentioned me finding a boyfriend today and it made me sad and angry at the same time. He is going to be so shocked when he finds out, and maybe even disappointed? Oh god I don’t know what to do. This has become such a mess. I did this for me, to live my life the way I saw fit, but they’re going to have to know at some point and this is just going to be incredibly awkward. I really have no idea what to say to him? I love my dad too and I don’t want this to be difficult. He will not understand why, in his eyes, I would have made my life more difficult by being with who I want and making my own choices when I don’t dislike men entirely and I presented and assumed I was straight for years.. He’s going to have to re-evaluate the whole way he sees me probably and I don’t really want that. Because I’m still his daughter and I don’t want him to be unhappy about this. This will not be what he expected from my life. I just want to be with my girlfriend and be happy.

 

Thank you. I really appreciate that. I just feel like there is this big gap of understanding though with him and I don’t know how to surmount it.

 

Yeah I totally get that! I told my mom before I met my girlfriend that essentially I’m not straight, but neither of my parents know about my current girlfriend. I always envisioned just maybe making a quick call or sending a quick text to prepare them before just bringing her over to introduce her. That seemed like the easiest way, since I think they might need to “see it to believe it.” But right now since we’re long distance that would be difficult. So in the meantime I’m just trying to figure out what to do when my dad starts to question why I’m not dating any guys. Which I’m sure will start to happen with more frequency at some point as time goes on and there is a whole school of them available.

 

I also want to avoid maybe using a label if I can. Because I don’t believe in them really either and to explain to them that yes, I’m technically bi, but no I don’t want to date men even though I still find them attractive, and yes I answer to lesbian OR bi depending on the context of the conversation etc might be confusing for them. They don’t know terms like homoromatic or anything either so saying I’m bi with a preference for women is probably what I’ll end up having to do.

 

I’m still unsure how to actually go about this. I have been feeling anxious and stuff lately so my mind hasn’t been in a great place. I just feel so lost and confused.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me! I really appreciate it. And thank you for especially making me feel better about not being all the way out. I do plan on doing it eventually it’s just SO much easier to come out to new people because they don’t have the pre-existing history of me. I’ve had an easy time being able to be out as me with these people though. It gave me a clean slate so to speak. But I’ll get there eventually with my family.

 

That’s what I’m going to do. I’m not interested in dating guys anymore though I still view them as sexually attractive. I only want to date women and more specifically, my girlfriend. So I’m bi I just don’t ever foresee ending up with a man at any point in my life long term.

 

Ugh I hate how I just never know what to say. I swear my sexuality can be very strange sometimes. A couple days ago? I would have said I was bi. But now I just feel gay. And this whole thing isn’t going to help my parents understand where I’m coming from. Ugh I never know from one day to the next. Its like I’m in a little spot between bi and gay. Like a Kinsey five? Though tbh I feel like a six at the moment. I don’t know anymore. I swear I’ve been every single place on the Kinsey scale at some point. Good luck explaining this to my parents. And of course, there is the desire to not be pressured to date men anymore. Because honestly that’s not happening. Looking is as far as I want to go. But yeah. I don’t know what I’m saying or doing anymore. I just...I feel super gay right now and I just wish my parents could just see me for who I am now.

 

I don’t know how I can tell them. I told my mom, and she gets it kinda but does she really accept it? Has she really gotten the message that guys aren’t happening for me? I thought by now she might have? I mean, originally I said I liked guys too, but have I given enough indications lately to sway her the other way? She did suggest I might have been involved with a girl I am friends with which is absolutely not true, but since she doesn’t know I’m already in a relationship with my long distance girlfriend she has never met I guess she thought that was a reasonable assumption?! So that was incredibly awkward to try to explain without telling her about my girlfriend. And my dad? Yeah he’s just completely in the dark and I feel kinda bad. Especially because I was such a daddy’s girl as a kid and my dad and I are so similar. He might be hurt if I don’t tell him. But telling him seems harder than my mom. I know my mom is more rational so I felt she would take it more at face value for what it was instead of trying so hard to “make sense of it”. My dad is going to be SO confused. He’s totally not been prepared for this because I’ve never let on around him. He even thought my sister might be gay at one point even though she is not according to her, and of the two of us I’m the one who stereotypically would be more likely to be gay. But since I talked about boys non stop in the past he has never considered that he does have a queer daughter but it’s actually me.

 

I just almost wish at this point my mom would tell him for me. Because I don’t know what to say. I just can’t imagine standing in front of my dad and telling him I’m gay. I just...can’t. I don’t know how I can say it. I haven’t ever used any words to either of my parents. I never even used a label when I came out to my mom and no words have ever crossed my lips around them about using an identifier. I know in the end they’ll have to find out, and it doesn’t really matter, but just the idea that my dad at least is probably convinced I’m going to have this wedding one day to a guy I meet that I fall for and all that stuff is really going to happen still. When it’s not. I am never going to marry a guy and if he wants that he’s going to be disappointed. For years I said I was picky which was true and he encouraged me to wait until I found someone I really liked to date and not just settle for the first guy who came along. And he never suspected for all those years up until present day when I didn’t date any men that there was anything unusual about that, (which there really isn’t), but still. I assured him wholeheartedly for years I was straight and I just was waiting for the right one which I truly believed. But now? What is he going to make of this? I mean, I never have dated a guy. I came close at one point and we didn’t actually date but he liked me as a friend at least. I didn’t grow up with guy friends so there was the subtext that maybe it could be more than that, which I thought maybe could happen and I was open to, but it just felt wrong for lack of a better term. Not long after doing this with him, honestly by like the third “date” I was feeling weird. And my mom and dad both questioned why I let him go and we are not in contact anymore. They don’t know that not only was my sexuality sending up fireworks that something wasn’t quite right but our personal beliefs did not mesh at all. But my parents just saw me rejecting a nice guy for seemingly no reason. My mom was prompted to ask nearly point blank if I was gay which I denied, (sigh), and my dad just shrugged it off and still occasionally teases me about it. But he never came to the conclusion my mom did that I’m not straight through that experience. I wish he had. I have no clue what to do.

 

Thank you for that sound advice. Somethimes my thinking just tends to spiral thinking about all this. It really shouldn’t matter at all, you’re right. I shouldn’t have to explain myself. I’d honestly just rather they met the girl. As for my girlfriend, no she isn’t the one I met on campus lol. I actually haven’t seen her since that one day. My girlfriend and I actually met online back in October and we made it official in November. She’s the love of my life and the sweetest girl imaginable. <3 Which is why it’s something I’ve been fretting over because if we weren’t long distance right now I’d already want my parents to meet her because she’s so important to me.