Still attached..

Hi there. When I joined an external group who works on addressing social issues and the like in July of 2017, I was exposed to a lot of people from different social and economic backgrounds. I got over my social anxiety, introvert-ism and self-esteem issues through help from them and got closer to a few people in the group. I was comfortable enough to come out and then meet the more open-minded people there, some of who were LGBTQ+ themselves.

I found one gay guy in group, closer to my age than the others, who was very kind and helpful, showing me the ropes to the LGBT community in mycity and helping me navigate online dating. Over time (a few months) I started feeling closer to him, over the others. Since I was never really out or had any experience in that level fo social interaction, it took me some time to realize that I was having a crush, something I never went through before. Most of my crushes were one-sided, on straight people beyond my reach (Upperclassmen & Teachers in High School & College; Actors and Billboard Models). But this time it was real and it felt like I had a better chance of the attraction being reciprocated.

I started hanging out with him a little more often and then got comfortable enough to be honest about my feelings towards him. It took me a while to get the courage to do that, but my feeling was that I wanted to avoid uncertainity. Both of us were mature adults and we respected each others opinions and thoughts, so I felt I could be honest. I invited him out for dinner (something we did twice a month) and confessed my feelings. He laughed, said he was flattered, told me he thought of me as a good friend and nothing more, as he had no intention of dating anyone. He said he didn't know if that would change in the future, but for now he wasn't looking for a relationship or for companionship apart from casual friendships with people.

Thought I felt a feeling like heartbreak for a little while, I was happy I confessed and got a straight answer from him. Yes, I still do like him more than a friend, but I respect him even more now. And he is still a good friend, even after he knows that I still have feelings for him.

Long story short, I personally feel that I could get over him to a large extent (I still crush on him, but not to the puppy-love level that I have in the past) because I told him my honest feeling and got his answer. This isn't expert advice, just my experience, but I thought it might help. Apologies for the long essay,

 

@lucybee I don't think that this crush will ever go away. You'll have more control on it of course, but the first real crush is never forgettable. It is important for you to work on being in charge of your emotions though, sometimes we can and sometimes we just surrender, we are human beings after all.

What you're going through is normal, it feels annoying at times, but it indicates that you have emotions alive in you, and this is a good indication of your existence and well being. Work on connecting your mind and logical thoughts with your feelings, think about it and try to convince yourself when those gush of emotions come in that it is not possible nor attainable. But what a beautiful feeling it is. Don't victimize yourself though, the future is holding more options for you... and for many of us.

I'm not sure if my input makes any sense?!

 

Oh god yes. I had crushes on girls before her but she was the "catalyst" where I knew my sexuality was real and I was gonna have to acknowledge it head on. It seems like this happens to a lot of people. That first crush is of a different quality and we see them in a different, possibly unrealistic way because of what they helped us realize about ourselves.

 

I have yet to recover fully from it truthfully. I don't even want to say how many years it has been And she hasn't been good to me. Which is confusing AF. It's not as if I don't have respect for myself and don't know I deserve better. I do. And I've dated. I've been involved. I've tried all the things to get over this person. Generally I'm happy in my life since coming out and have largely recovered from the upheaval of coming out late and the destruction of my home/marriage/family as I had dreamt of it. I'm so happy to be living the truth. I have a good support system. There is just this one last nagging thing that I can't seem to overcome. And that's how I loved her and wanted her. And that connection! I haven't seemed to match it. I try hard to be compassionate for myself knowing that it had to be a powerful experience to take me into the light to start living truth. But now I would like to be fully healed and moved on from that experience. So yes...lol. I understand. Here's to speedy healing for the both of us.

 

Been through it, still going through it (depending on the day, lol). You're definitely not alone! I hope your feelings become more manageable as you embrace your new life. You have many good days ahead of you

 

Oh goodness, yes. I feel quite pitiful actually. Because she doesn't want me...like that. And I don't think we'd be good for each other...like that. And yet, here I am nearly two years into knowing/experiencing her and I still can't shake her. Not sure if this will be helpful, but I've thought about it a few ways... 1) It's like a duckling imprinting on the first thing that moves...LOL... She's better than this and shouldn't be reduced to an object that moves...but my "awakening" landed on a very specific person who holds a very special place and was the very first one to make me lose my ever-loving mind... Is that not like imprinting?? 2) I've not dated anyone else either. If that's not a recipe for rumination/obsession, then I don't know what it is. And 3) For me, it triggered some deep-seated pursuer-withdrawer runner-chaser anxious-avoidant stuff that is bigger than one poor relationship can handle. So, yes, I'm still pining over my catalyst. But I'm ever so slowly accepting that she's more symbolic than realistic. And/But it still hurts like hell. And I'd give up my left pinky toe to be with her for one night. (eye roll at myself for THAT dramatic statement!).

I guess I don't want to "demote" her by moving on. She's special. And it's hard to put her in the "special" category and then still move on with people who are somehow "unspecial" because we don't share a history. It sucks.

 

@globalgal well written! Especially the part about symbolism, and having not been with a woman making it easier to obsess. A lot of times when I think of her I'll write her a letter on my computer. I don't usually save it and I definitely don't share it with her, but sometimes it helps to either get all my blah emotions out, or sometimes even to process what I'm feeling a little by spelling it out on a page.

 

Erasing is such a great strategy! I tend to save these kinds of letters and then read them again and again. This, of course, gets me all into the same feelings and memories. Like groundhog day for my emotions.

 

After being away for a few weeks I’m so glad I read through this particular thread. To answer the question, I absolutely can relate to pining over your 1st same sex love for way longer than most people would say is appropriate. Totally straight people just don’t get it, either. For me, I had been intimate with my best friend in my late teens/early 20s. Eventually I married my husband and we just drifted. I’d think of her and we’d occasionally keep in touch over the years. Year and a half ago, we reunited big time. Totally fell in love and realized what we had. We talked about being together, having a life... Long story short, when I actually was going to leave my husband she freaked out and between her own homophobia and commitment issues, she basically wasn’t ready for that after all. I know she loved me, but I also know she will never be ready to have the life I wanted. I ended it 4 months ago, and that was after 6 painful months of indecision and dragging things out. It hurts like hell, and I still cry a little most days. I find myself replaying conversations and wondering what I could have done differently. I know she’s not the right fit for me, but god am I heartbroken. My therapist says I can find another woman who will make me happier, but I’m feeling like why even bother leaving my husband to be alone and take the chance I’ll never meet another woman who makes me feel the way she did? It’s all so confusing. But it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone.

 

It's a double edged sword I suppose! Sometimes you can learn from what you write in retrospect, other times it just brings up pain as you mentioned.

@L8bloomer great to hear from you again. It helps that we can all share our pain here. I agree with @lucybee that you made a difficult yet wise decision. I think for all of us here, even if you never find someone to take the place of your catalyst, it's still important to live authentically and surround yourself with good people, whatever that may look like in each individual case. I am still figuring it out myself.

 

What has been truly hard for me and what you hopefully won't have to go through, is that I kept hanging on because she would drop bread crumbs of hope. And actually, a couple of years ago, she reconciled with me saying that she was going to leave her marriage but never really did. I didn't and never want to be anyone's secret. So when I emailed her (cause I was her secret) saying truly if you want to stay, please tell me the truth. And instead of freeing me in anyway, she ignored my email. And here I am...still. So recently we corresponded (in that secret way) her telling me I'm the love of her life but she has her demons and struggles, etc...that she still needs to deal with. And what I just realized is that I have to somehow free myself. So right now with broken-heartedness, I am trying to keep away from all the places I could find her. To even read or see any of the bread crumbs of hope. To try to master letting go this time for reals so I am free to be open to whatever could come next in this big, beautiful universe. And I believe in that. That the right things come to you when you walk in truth, tell those you love the truth, and be brave enough to stand in your own skin and own all of those truths. And that may mean standing in some scary loneliness until those situations arrive. But I believe that having a healthy relationship requires both people to be fully available to each other to put their love on each other fully and openly. Idk. I'm pretty sad and heartbroken right now. So take this rambling post for what it's worth.

 

@FindingLouie, I feel your pain and you weren't rambling at all. The universe part and living authentically and out loud was so on target. For all of us, too bad the head and heart operate so differently. You'll get through this - as we all will. As morbid as it sounds, I keep trying to remind myself that I'm going to die. I literally say to myself, "No, [my name], you are REALLY going to die." And then I envision trying to explain to myself on my deathbed why I spent so many years pining over someone who couldn't love me back. And that, of course, makes me envision weeping with regret and self-loathing. And for a moment, my heart aligns with my head and loosens its grip on her. But all of this is on a good day. On bad days, I just feel heartbroken and sad and find myself waiting for another breadcrumb...and wasting another precious day giving someone else too much power over my life.

 

@globalgal Thanks so much. It's true. I don't want to give my power over. Very, very true. Life is short. And I would love to share the rest of it with someone out, open, fearlessly vulnerable and full of love. Just doing the work now to detangle and detox. Hoping for lots of good days for all of us.