I’m a 26 year old woman who is only out to a couple of friends. I’ve been using dating apps but not met up with anyone (mainly because work means I travel a lot) yet. I’ve recently starting seeing friends of friends on the apps. I worry about swiping right on them or starting the conversation once we’ve matched because I feel like it opens the flood gates for our mutual friends to possibly find out that I’m gay before I’m comfortable telling them myself. Has anyone got experience of using dating apps before being out or perhaps coming out because of them? (Side note: some of the friends of friends I’m seeing on there are women I’ve been crushing on for years so there’s massive temptation!) Thank you!
That's the tricky thing with apps when you're closeted. If you choose to show your face, inevitably you're going to come across someone who recognizes you, even if it's vaguely. Showing your face does help you find people, of course. My personal experience? I started with one app for awhile and didn't publicly show my face. I would show to a guy once we started talking and I knew I didn't know him. The guys who I recognized I often would just end up blocking, and still do depending on the guy. I did end up deciding to show my face publicly after a while even though I wasn't out just because it was easier to attract guys. Pretty much my only super awkward situation was when I saw my cousin had a profile on the one app. I was mortified and blocked him but apparently he saw it. The big thing I've noticed is that very few people (some, though) aren't just going to go and tell mutual friends "Oh, I saw so and so on [insert app here]." There's kind of an unspoken agreement to keep things quiet, especially if you know someone isn't out.
I suppose they can out you. If you want to be a little safer, maybe go to a gay club in a big city near you? If you're really worried about being outed, I think there's a lot less likelihood of it happening in a gay club than on an app. If you're in a gay club you can say you came with friends and are just there to hang out whereas if you're on a dating app for gay people it's pretty obvious why you're on there; you're obviously gay/bisexual. I would have to imagine there are unwritten rules where people know to not go around blabbing about you being on a gay dating app... but who knows? Some people are gossipy; being gay or bi doesn't stop someone from being insensitive to another's needs. I'd say you're probably safe on the app, but I suppose it comes with its risks if you're not comfortable being out to everyone. Regardless, I'm a big proponent of doing whatever is comfortable for you. Don't feel the need to conform to anyone else's standard of what the "right way" of being gay/bi is. This is your life, do what makes you happy!
