I joined EC in 2013. Within a short time of joining, I admitted that I was most likely gay. At the very least, I realized that if I were to have a relationship, it would be with another man. But I decided I'd wait to pursue relationships. I think I might have heard one argument about waiting a period to get used to the new reality of accepting that one is gay. Past that, I took a long, hard critical look at my life...and decided I'd better change my life in other ways, first. I was not, I felt, in a position to attract a suitable Mr. Right. I can't recall all the issues that bothered me. But a couple I do recall (and recall commenting on here): Cash flow. Money isn't everything, but one needs a certain amount to date. Also poor cash flow might make it harder getting a long term relationship. That tasteful little gay guy home needs $$$ to acquire and furnish. Also I think I felt like having a better social network was a good idea. On a practical level: one might meet Mr. Right through a friend. But it also occurred to me that a lot of guys would take a long, hard look at me...and think: "He really has no friends. What's wrong with him?" There were other issues, too, whether or not I consciously thought of them. Better self esteem might be helpful. Controlling depression would also be helpful. I seem to recall a period when I thought that maybe a relationship was a possibility. Fast forward to 2019...and as those who've read my recently (admittedly negative posts) will attest: I no longer have any hope of having a relationship. The problems of 2013 are as bad or worse than ever. Cash flow is much worse. My attempts at making friends were a complete and total failure. Self esteem: as bad as ever. Depression: still bad (although at least I now have a therapist, thanks to finally getting insurance coverage due to the ACA). Past this...I'm several years older now... Another thing I realized yesterday: in 2013 I had a lot more enthusiasm and interest in dating, even if it would be "dating one day." I think I likened it at the time to being like a teenager for the second time. (Although I don't recall feeling this way for "the first time" as a teenager--I never had any real interest in dating. Probably a sign I was gay--dating would have meant dating a girl back then. Plus I was cynical about relationships, due to my parents' marriage ending.) I no longer feel quite so driven. This may be a problem, since it might have pushed me into doing scary new things, like dating. Or having sex. Or even explaining to some possible boyfriend how I made it to my 40s without ever having a single date, or ever having sex. In other words, I'm now in a worse position than I was in 2013 to even think about dating. So...I find myself wondering if that decision to "wait until things are better" was a bad decision or not... On balance, I still see merit in the decision I made. But a part of me also thinks: Maybe if I hadn't taken such a rigid position, I might have at least been able to have one date before I die! Did I make the wrong decision in 2013? Who knows? One can probably make any number of arguments... And, of course, it's irrelevant: there is nothing I can do to go back in time and make a different decision. But I do wonder.
If it’s something you want to try then I don’t see why you shouldn’t try dating. There are plenty of people in worse financial situations who are in relationships. You don’t need to do anything fancy or expensive to date. Media wants you to think that’s what it takes but it’s not true at all. I also don’t think most people will care that you haven’t had sex or a relationship. You don’t even really have to talk about it if you don’t want, chances are no one will ask if you’re a virgin. Sex comes naturally I really doubt you will be bad at it. I used to be so anxious about kissing for the first time thinking I wouldn’t know what to do and it’d be super awkward but it was the exact opposite. It came naturally and was awesome! Don’t be so hard on yourself.
My dear friend, Please don't keep giving in to despair. And don't second guess yourself. You made a decision years ago which your deemed was best under those circumstances. That was the right decision! We all have to make tough decisions which are based on the data and knowledge we have at the time. None of us has a crystal ball. You make the best choice you could. Don't regret what is in the past. If the truth be told it is never too late for any of us! Your issue is not money. Finances are tight, but that's true to most of us. You've never been on a date? You've never had sex? You are in your 40's? So what? That's not a big deal. Don't let those facts keep beating you over the head like a club. You are not too poor, not too inexperienced and not too old to lose hope! I don't know where you live. But you need to begin connecting to people. But there are many places, especially in the bigger cities, which sponsor LGBTQ events. You really must get out of your shell of isolation and start attending some social functions to interact with like-minded gay people like yourself. In the big city near me, the LGBTQ groups sponsor gaming, bingo, pride parades, dances, trips, lunches, dinners, bar hopping, hiking, tennis, book clubs, speed dating etc... I am a generation older than you. I so wish I was in my 40's again. Yet I am staying positive about the future. I intend to join some of the local LGBTQ groups. With a bit of luck I may make friend or two. At least I will be getting involved and filling my life with activities and purpose. My poor young friend, you have to do the same thing! Find a group which matches your own interests. Surely there are groups within driving distance where you can go and join. Once you join these groups you make begin making connections and hopefully friends. They can become a valuable support system for you. And perhaps, given time, a friendship there may evolve into something more intimate and meaningful. If someone grows to love you, they will not care about the past you, but about the person in front of them in the here and now. Don't keep focusing on what you missed out on. Please stop drinking from the cup of self-pity and regret. Tears over the past will not bring you future joy. Your life is far from over. You have a rich and wonderful life ahead of you! Happiness can be yours, but you have to work for it!
I know finances are problem for many people. Indeed, I was really surprised during the 2016 election when some candidates made it clear how many people are hurting. It was simultaneously comforting (I'm not alone!) and depressing (if so many of us are mired in poverty, what hope is there of me escaping?!?) At the same time, though, I feel like my situation is too tight for viable dating. Particularly for early phases, which tend to emphasize meeting in public (e.g., dinner in a restaurant). And I do think it does pose real marketability problems for those looking for a relationship. It's one thing if one is 20-something. It's another thing when one is nearly 50. ("BMC77 is single...but I'm 50, I'd like to be able to retire in 15, 20 years, and being hitched to BMC77 will make that impossible!!!!") There probably are. Problem is...I don't have a car, and public transportation is limited. I can't get to events in some locations, and I can't get to anything that takes place at night. And, of course, those activities that I can't get to, anyway, would have to be free, or close to it.
So here's a different question, taken from the psychological construct of Choice Theory. It sounds like what's going on in your life isn't working for you (lack of income, no car, which, in turn, are limiting options for dating and recreation). So what are the issues that stand in the way of bringing in more money? Perhaps if we start and explore that, then it could create opening to solve the other issues.
I personally think you are being very tough on yourself. It would be much better to find love in your 40s than the other decades ahead. If someone falls in love with you money isn't everything. One of the guys I like, he hasn't got much money and it really doesn't bother me . The sexual stuff will come naturally, once you kiss a guy most of it will fall into place. If he is a more experienced guy he will be more than happy to teach you. A guy I've met a few times has tought me some skills and I have happily enbracing it. If your not comfortable with something, you try something else. The sexual stuff is a journey too.....
BMC77, I have followed your posts as you and I had a similar time line for embracing our sexuality. I also recall the general theme of your posts regarding your struggle. If you recall, I have and remain a big proponent embracing the concept of making ourselves vulnerable to build confidence and manage shame. I have written many posts on the topic. Do you recall any of those posts?
There probably are. Problem is...I don't have a car, and public transportation is limited. I can't get to events in some locations, and I can't get to anything that takes place at night. And, of course, those activities that I can't get to, anyway, would have to be free, or close to it.[/QUOTE] Chip brought up a good point. What is preventing you from purchasing a car? Is it a result of health issues? Do you have a job? My son moved out on his own when he was 18. He had no job and slept on the floor of friends home. He walked and bumbed rides and eventually found some crumpy restaurant jobs. Later, with some buddies he got an apartment. He bought a car from one of those high interest used car dealers. It was expensive but it gave him transportation and allowed him to build up his credit. He eventually got an apartment on his own with his girlfriend (his wife today). Now he owns a house, two cars and a motorcycle. The point is that there are ways for you to find the means to get out and about. It requires work, effort and persistance. Don't give up or feel dejected. You CAN turn your life around!
Trust me...I've spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out the cash flow issues. And figure out ways of getting a running car. Unfortunately, solutions have been hard to come by. My situation, in fact, has been discussed with a number of people to some degree. It was certainly a major topic of conversation with my former therapist at times. Indeed, one reason I think I'm so gloomy is that some people (not this former therapist) seem to have a pessimistic outlook. One man, for example, obviously thought the best I can hope for is enough to survive. (His background is such that I can't just write him off as "pessimistic.") If I can only hope for "survival," it makes any possibility of a relationship harder. Indeed, I told my former therapist about how I felt that relationships were impossible for me, due to cash flow. He did not like some of my pessimism at times, but he did have to quietly admit that yes, it was seriously limiting factor.
I do recall your interest in vulnerability. As I think of it, vulnerability is not something I do very well... Maybe it's the family I grew up with. Maybe it's just the shame at how dysfunctional my life is overall. No matter...it's not, as I said, something I do well.
I doubt it comes easy for anyone. It’s something we need to push ourselves to embrace. Your suggesting your shame may be impeding yor7 ability to embrace being vulnerable, while I would suggest vulnerability will help you rise above the shame.
I’m in a similar position to you except I retain a little of what is needed. Hope. When you say you have given up all hope, it does not surprise me that you are also battling depression. Maybe the absence of hope is also the depression talking? I expect the depression is making you isolate yourself from other people also. And making the simplest things in life just hard work These things often go hand in hand. And another year passes by. Your situation is not unique. Lack of money should not prevent you expanding your circle of acquaintances so that you begin to build a sort of support network around you. Through that network you may find one or two people who find you interesting and worth getting to know you. It’s about stepping out of the comfort zone that currently traps you. Only you can do this. You have to make a plan of where you want to be in 12 months. Work out what steps you need to take to get there. Take the first steps. But the action has to come from you. You need to want something better. Nobody will do it for you. Your therapist can help by making you listen to your inner self. But only you can make it happen.
Oh, yes, I'm definitely dealing with depression. Indeed, I've been diagnosed 3 times by three different people the last 1 1/2 years. I don't know all the impacts...but it definitely does make it harder doing even simple things. (Indeed, I look around the living room, which needs cleaning, and I don't have energy... Although who cares? It's not like I'll be having someone over for coffee this afternoon--or any afternoon in the foreseeable future.) It may also make my situation seem hopeless. Then, again, maybe my view that my situation is hopeless is just a realistic view... It may not make it impossible, but it makes it harder. A lot harder. Every now and then, I do try to find a way of meeting people. I do research, using Meetup, which I know we are all supposed to bow down before as the Great God of Ending Isolation. (I hope I don't sound too bitchy, but I've really gotten tired of how often I've heard Meetup, Meetup, Meetup! I know it's been helpful for some...but it is not a universal solution for everyone, which is something I wonder if the people screaming Meetup all the time ever consider. But I digress). I research other places as well, including very localized resources (a bulletin board at the library). Every so often, I find something that sounds interesting. But it often costs more than $0. It always is an event or group I can't get to due to transportation realities. Inevitably, I get discouraged...and quit looking for a period. Maybe I should find some new approach--maybe schedule research once every week or two (to catch anything that might crop up as a short term thing. And catch groups that form on Meetup, but leave Meetup to save the Meetup charges. ("We have enough members to justify keeping this going a year or two. Everyone who will join probably has seen our listing. Why spend $$$ to maybe get one extra member?") As for making a year long plan... I see and understand the value that can have. But frankly, thinking about "in a year" is too overwhelming, given the problems I have now. Indeed, I can recall talking over things I'd like better in a year with my old therapist. In one case, he suggested that since my birthday had been horrible, maybe I should think about trying to do something special at the half-year mark. Not a bad idea...but problem is solutions for my problems just didn't come up, and, as a result, the half year mark was nothing.
BMC77 I'm going to expand a bit on what Chip asked you. It seems your finances stop everything else cold in your life. I've read a lot of what you've written. It appears you are well read and can communicate well in writing. So. In this employment market, are you even trying to find work that might change your financial situation? Have you considered going back to school to learn a new skill? Have you considered relocating? What about a second job? Believe me when I say I understand not having enough money for anything. I grew up poor and worked my ass off to get through college. When the conversations here discuss how great it would have been to be able to practice our sexuality during our younger years, I chuckle a bit. I couldn't afford a date with anyone when I was a kid and a young adult. Eventually, one step at a time, I started to change my financial situation. This was not easy; but, I felt I had no choice. It seems you may be at this point. I won't sugar coat this. It's a risk and you might fail. But, failure puts you back where you are right now from the sounds of it. So, what do you have to lose in putting yourself out there? I apologize for my preaching here. Normally, I would trust that some people just cannot move from where they are mired. But, the way your write and communicate I just don't perceive that is your situation.
I understand where you are coming from re: LGBT groups. Joining a gay soccer team, for instance, requires purchasing a soccer shirt, a pair of soccer shorts, a pair of soccer boots, a pair of soccer socks, a boot bag, a pair of shin pads, other accessories and, if you’re a goalkeeper, a pair of goalkeeping gloves. And that’s before taking into account the cost of socialising after practice sessions and soccer matches. Befriending people at an LGBT video game group, meanwhile, is likely to require knowledge of the latest hardware and software trends (and, depending on who you meet, you may also need intricate knowledge of, say, comic books and sci-fi memorabilia). And, when you’re living on the breadline, even taking up jogging could turn out to be relatively expensive when you factor in the cost of a second-hand pair of running shoes, a cheap pair of jogging bottoms, a hooded sweatshirt and a few plain T-shirts. Have you ever considered joining a group that isn’t specifically aimed at the LGBT community, though? The opportunity cost of joining a non-religious choir or a yoga group at a community centre is likely to be lower, for instance, and there could be a charity that offers public spaces for gardening, or an organisation that provides creative writing classes for free or at a heavily discounted rate. This would involve putting yourself out there more than usual, and most of the initial friendships that you make would not be with LGBT people, but any new friends may introduce you to their friends or relatives that are gay, and you could get to meet like-minded people that way. You don't even have to regard it as a way to meet new people: you could simply treat it as a cost-effective activity that keeps your mind busy and helps you to develop a new interest or skill. I know that some initiatives aimed at tackling loneliness and social isolation, such as the US Men’s Sheds Association, specifically target senior citizens, but this could be an area worth exploring if you haven't already done so.
Thanks @finisterre! Yes. I have actively looked for options that aren't aimed at LGBT people. Almost all groups and activities have been non-LGBT, in fact. I've had mixed feelings, in fact, about LGBT specific groups/activities. They are a way of possibly getting a boyfriend. They are a way of meeting people in the real world who are also LGBT, and have the same issues I do. But I'm not interested in only associating with LGBT people, and getting a boyfriend realistically won't happen no matter what I do unless my life were in a better place.
I'm repeating myself here...but trying to fix my cash flow situation has been a major concern of mine since before I joined EC (although, back in that era, the situation was a lot rosier). This has been something discussed with therapists--it was, one way or another, something that came up numerous times with my former therapist over the 1.75 years I saw him. I've also had discussions with someone else who has some relevant background--and whose opinion was along the lines that the best I can hope for is enough to buy groceries and pay rent on maybe a slightly better place. Maybe if I'm really lucky, I can have a rock bottom used car!...in five or ten years. I'm not going to go into full details of my situation, since some details are a little too identifying if someone who knows me in real life came across them.
Firstly, I know how you feel. I have also never been in a relationship or dated or even been kissed. I know what it feels like to give up hope and to want nothing more than to experience this simple human thing that most people get to feel! And to live knowing it's all because of your own choices. On that note, I firmly believe that any choice you make is the right choice. You have no way to foresee what could have happened. Everything that happens in your life can teach you something. You have to look for the things you gain from every choice you make. Even if you feel like it is the worst decision! You can always know "Okay, I will learn from this and never do that again". What i'm trying to say is that regret is truly pointless and all you can do is look at you life now and decide now. What have you learned? How can you move up from here? How can you use what you know to gain? Now is the time to start again. Decide what you want, how bad you want it and what you need to do to get there. Start making choices that align with you goal. Anything that leads you down the path no matter how small. You want friends? Money? A relationship? Think about the choices you can make today to reach those goals. This is YOUR life and you get to change it anytime at ANY age, it's all up to you. Put in the work and don't quit. Everyday is a new day to try again. Every "wrong" decision is an opportunity to learn. If you look at it this way there is no such thing as a wrong decision. You need to change your daily habits, your daily thoughts. Take baby steps, but take them! It's okay to fail, you just try again. The GREATEST thing to ever possess is self awareness and you have it! That's why you came here. You know what you are having problems with and now you need to make the daily choices to change your circumstance. Don't ever quit, stay determined and don't ever quit. Keep going- every day, keep trying- every -single- day. You can do this.
