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no 'labels' suit me

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by givenchy, Feb 11, 2019.

  1. givenchy

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    I have always been unsure of what to call myself. I know that "labels aren't important" and whatever but I feel like I need one for my own peace of mind. And I have always felt this way, ever since I started questioning. I wracked my brain for months over what to call myself.

    Gay? Bi? Pan? Queer? ahhhh! None of these fit. Pan fit best when I first came out to myself, but then after a while I didn't like it, it didnt fit. Bi stuck around for a while but then I got into a fling with a guy and decided nope, lesbian is the one for me, but it still didn't feel right. Queer feels like a dirty word so I didn't use that for long. I know I am more attracted to women, however every now and then I am attracted to a man. But I really don't care about gender in the grand scheme of things, I care about the personality. (Does any of this make sense?? anyway...)

    This has been plaguing me for years now, and every time I use a label it never feels right but I feel that I need to have a thing to call myself when I have to come out to someone or when someone asks. and I want to be able to put my name against something and say "oh yea thats me! i'm that!", or do I just have to say "I just love who I love" every time?? Are there 'labels' that I'm missing or don't know about? or should I just get over myself and pick one?
     
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  2. Silveroot

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    How about 'fluid'?
     
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  3. Dionysios

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    How about "Multi-Oriented," "Gender Flexible" or "Sexually Adaptable?" Just suggestions. Hope you settle on a term that defines how you see yourself. *smile*
     
  4. Broccoli

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    I don't know what label you should use but just wanted to empathise with you for wanting one as I feel the same. It's interesting how different people are - some actively dislike this type of label and some want the identity of one. Remember that ultimately what matters is that you feel comfortable.
     
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  5. Love4Ever

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    Fluid and queer imho are great labels. I really like them.
     
  6. finisterre

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    Hi! You have written that you’ve been wracking your brain for months over what to call yourself, which indicates that you could be experiencing a certain amount of distress. Talking to an LGBT counsellor or therapist about your feelings and thoughts could help, even if you decide to use one as nothing more than a professional sounding board. If money is an issue, you can contact the QLife helpline and they should inform you whether there are any LGBT charities/organisations that offer free or low-cost counselling near your area.

    We all know that labels are not always useful for everyone - and that comparing ourselves to other people and trying to define what normal is can be unhelpful – but even the smallest of doubts can easily tailspin. It is, however, absolutely fine to give yourself permission to be unsure of exactly who you are and not want to place a temporary or permanent label on your feelings and thoughts until you are completely ready.

    Understanding your sexuality is a work in progress that should be taken each day at a time, so there’s no pressure or rush to decide exactly who you are. What you identify with has the potential to change with time and experience, and you may end up deciding that labels and sexuality don’t form a significant part of your life.

    It can be difficult to make peace with yourself when you grow up in a world where you are assumed and encouraged to fit a narrow definition of sexuality. But you can also make peace with an answer when you let your feelings and thoughts come and go as they please, rather than trying to actively analyse them.

    How you decide to define yourself is deeply personal and how you fit on the sexuality spectrum is for you to decide. It may seem important, but it doesn't have to be. You have to find your own path in your own time and find a way to embrace your sexuality in a manner that's right for you.

    And, finally, I subscribe to a really interesting YouTube channel called Slice Of Ace, which is presented by a guy who identifies as a homoromantic asexual, but he also regards himself as gay and uses the latter as a subsidiary label (i.e. gay is usually his outward-facing orientation/persona). He also calls himself a gay ace.

    In a nutshell: he’s out as a homoromantic asexual to those that he is closest to, but he generally comes out as gay to people that are in his daily life. He also states that while he identifies and presents himself as a gay person about 90 percent of the time, he still considers himself as an asexual person first and a gay person second.

    He discusses this further (and far more eloquently than I ever could!) in the video that I’ve embedded below. He also touches on what he thinks labels are good for (from 5:13 until 6:39), and you may find the idea of using multiple labels (i.e. an inward-facing orientation and an outward-facing orientation) helpful.

    I wish you all the best and I also hope that this helps you go forward in a way that feels right for you!

     
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  7. smurf

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    So there are two main reasons to use labels

    1) The quickest way to get the main point across to a stranger
    2) Finding your people and letting them find you so you can make friends, learn, have fun, etc

    The point isn't to find one word that completely and fully explains every single turn and twist of your sexuality. Trying to do so, as you have learned, will drive you off the walls.

    So with those two in mind lets try and see if we can guide your label a bit.

    1) for strangers:

    Okay, so what do you want other people to know about you then? Do you want them to know that you mainly like women but open to a guy if the mood strikes? Or do you want them to know more about your philosophy that gender is of no concern? The trick is to use fairly common labels, keep it brief, and get the gist of who you are and not the entire picture.

    Bisexual or pansexual will be the most useful to say "you can expect me to date either gender"

    Lesbian "You can expect me to most likely be dating women"

    2) to find your peeps

    This is where you can go wild and specific as you want. Bi and pan will give you good results and with a lot of people that will understand you. You could go even more specific by talking about romantic vs sexual orientations. You can talk about the way you fall for people like omnisexual and the like.

    There are no rules, the sky is the limit and you can use whatever label allows you to find your people the best. Labels can also change so don't sweat too much about it. You can go with bi for 5 years or a month, then switch to whatever you think explains you better. Its all up to you.

    For example, I usually tell most people I'm gay. They get the gist of it and I can move on with my life. My friends in the other hand know just how complex my sexuality is. They know that in the rare circumstance I can be with a woman, they know that I'm attracted to genderqueer people that have more of a butch energy, they know that I'm poly, etc. To find my people, I prefer to use the term queer. But gay suffices for the grand majority of people.
     
    #7 smurf, Feb 12, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019
  8. givenchy

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    Wow, this was very helpful! I had never thought of using a subsidiary label, I have been most recently referring to myself as gay but my 'inward-facing orientation' (as you described) is bisexual. I never realised that had a name, or that people actually did that... This makes me feel a lot more at ease, it is hard to find a name/label that truely encompasses my sexuality so having the option to use one as a basic - get the point across type one and another one that is more... descriptive... (I don't think thats the right word but anyway) could be the right thing for me!

    Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it!! xxxx
     
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  9. givenchy

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    Thank you! You hit the nail on the head! I feel this weird need to have some name or label to tell people when they ask but I have never been able to find one that encompasses my sexuality totally, so having one that I can use that gets the gist of it and then having a deeper and more accurate one for close friends/etc is a great way to ease this discomfort. Thank you again, this was really helpful! xx
     
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  10. Chiroptera

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    Remember that humans are unique, and the only label that fully and completely identifies you is your name (or, if we want to be really precise, maybe not even your name).

    As others have said, labels are mostly used, in my point of view, to talk to others about yourself. For instance, I usually prefer to date men, but I'm open to dating women too, so I use the label bisexual. Maybe using "gay" would be better most of the time, but I feel it doesn't describe me as effectively because I like women too, even if it is more frequent for me to think about men.

    Labels don't need to describe every tiny aspect of one's sexuality. Some people try to find or create labels to do that, but they end up using labels that are so uncommon and specific that they end up needing to explain what that label means anyway. So, in my point of view, the label is useless, because it is not making communication easier. In addition, some labels promote ideas that don't have scientific basis, like the ones who separate romantic and sexual attraction (there's no evidence that these are separate things).

    Long story short: Don't worry too much about labels. You may use any that you want, you may change it later if you feel it isn't working, you may use one that describes you best and then explain the details and particularities whenever you need (like "Oh, I'm bisexual, but I date men 80% of the time", in my case), or you may not use any label at all if you don't want to.
     
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