I took off work today and decided to take my wife to lunch and a movie. We are planning on separating soon and I wanted to bring a little joy in her life. We had some time prior to the film, so we stopped by a department store after lunch. As she browsed I checked out the mens clearance section. There I found clothes in my size reduced by half and then reduced again by 70%. I purchased three shirts, a couple pairs of shorts and ten handkerchiefs. I was thrilled! I believed I had got quite a bargain, all those clothes for well under $50. However the purchase really bothered my wife. She grew both teary eyed and angry about the clothes, saying that I would never have dreamed about purchasing clothes like that before I came out. I had always dressed in rather bland clothes, mostly in white or black (I was a teacher and a clergyman). Now that I have come out as gay, she realizes what my real tastes are like or at least evolving into. I told her it's not like I am going to dress like Liberace. The conversation turned into another ride on the emotional roller coaster and left me bummed out. Perhaps the new threads served as a reminder that I am moving on and preparing for my future? Perhaps it's a sign of my rebellion for having to always dress so somber to please others? I am not sure. Whatever the reason I have to grit my teeth and go on. I am patiently waiting until the day in spring when I finally can get off of this roller coaster.
I can't say anything useful or helpful. Not that that is a new occurrence... I may be some slight comfort knowing this may not be limited to situations like yours. During the my parents marriage was ending, and a period after that, my father started doing things that were "not him." This included a car he bought, and definitely included clothing. Looking back, I think my mother might well have been bothered--at least part of the time. Also worth noting: someone might well occasionally do something atypical that doesn't really get noted. But when that atypical thing comes at a time like this, when a relationship is ending or changing, it may seem to have more weight.
It's funny that my clothing hasn't really changed in the least. It's still pretty much the same boring clothes, bought cheap.
I think it's just her realizing that you really are going to move on to this whole other phase of your life and she will either not be involved or won't be involved in the way she has been. What it really reminds me of is the first time I visited my parents after moving away to college. It was Christmas time and we were baking cookies and something came up that I would have to do when I got back to Boston and I commented that "I'll have to do that when I get home." My Mother, of course, burst into tears. It wasn't that she didn't want me to enjoy college, it wasn't even that she didn't want me to go off and make my own life, it was just all a bit much in that moment. The other thing I wonder about is if perhaps as you come into your own and become a little less reserved she may like it. I remember my parents commenting shortly after I came out that it was like I was "finally really there," that there had always been this filter, this distance that they didn't even recognize until it went away. I can imagine the frustration of living through that experience as one is breaking up with the person. I can imagine how upsetting it would be to see all this and think: how come I didn't get this guy; you can only be this guy without me? I would imagine in that situation I would be pretty frustrated and more than a little resentful. Just my two cents...
First and most importantly.... love love love the clothes! The shorts on the right and multi color shirt are giving me life! Now, I can’t say for sure, but maybe your wife’s reaction was more about the fact that she didn’t know you. She spent all this time thinking she knew who you were, even the simple things like the clothes you preferred to wear. But now seeing this, she realizes how wrong her vision of you was. Which may seem simple with it being clothing, but if she was wrong with that... what about the big things? I could only assume that’s what she could be thinking. The problem is, you didn’t know you. And your still not fully where you’re going to be. When you get to live openly you’ll see more changes. So you can’t blame yourself for this. You shared your truth then, and you’re sharing your truth now. Give her time to adjust. Keep being honest! And let her take the lead with this one. If she brings it up, then just share your heart. If not then know she’s just having to make adjustments to everything she’s thought about you. That’s gonna bring different emotions, question, concerns, etc.
Thank you everyone for your kind remarks. As I reflect over the incident today, I can now see that after so many years of marriage, it must have come as something of a shock to my wife to realize how little she knew the real me. To understand that, I attach for your amusement a sample of some of my clothes I usually wear. Try not to be too critical. *cringe* I have lots and lots of black shirts and pants, plus other clothes in shades of grey and white. *yawn* Coming out has given me the freedom to finally open myself up in so many other ways such as clothing. I suppose I am excited about the future. I am on a journey. StillStanding may be right. I don't know what my eventual style will be. I very much doubt that I will wind up on a fashion runway, but a splash of color will definitely brighten up my spirits! *smile*
I see nothing at all wrong with the items you bought. I would see the threads as part of a new stsrt. The old bland clothing was probably an indication of how you felt back then
Expressing yourself with clothing can be so much fun! I imagine your wife sees this as an external manifestation of the internal transformation you’re undergoing, as others have pointed out before me. And I love those brightly colored shorts!
Looks can be deceiving. I sometimes feel like an undertaker or Mr. Chips when wearing my attire. I am sure your clothes are much comfortable my friend! *smile*
I looked at the picture of the new clothes really closely trying to find what's so abnormal about it that she had that strong of a reaction...and I couldn't find it. Those are completely normal clothes, not flamboyant gay guy clothes. Most of my male professors dress exactly like that, but with blue jeans thrown in, and I'm pretty sure I have those same salmon colored shorts. I love the handkerchiefs too, there's just something classy about handkerchiefs for some reason. I'm glad you're branching out in your style and enjoying adding color!
I think both @OGS and @I'mstillstandimg nailed it. The clothes are really a representation to both of you that you are moving on. In my situation, me NOT changing my attitude about clothing was a comfort to my wife. Clothing can be so representative. I'm not sure this was "a big mistake". It reinforces to your wife that you have a part of you that you have kept hidden and you need to express it. There is pain in this. But, if not the shopping trip something else would come up. I think it's part of the process. On a side note. My wife expressed with (somewhat) mock dismay the other day that she thought she'd at least get a shopping partner out of having a gay husband.
@Dionysios I love the new set, I have similar shirts, yellow and the plaid blue/red combination, I love them. I'm yet to try colorful shorts like the pink ones though. And btw, I love your old attire, it is pretty classy and chic too. But every set has its own setting and time to wear. I started wearing shorts for regular day activities like a year ago only, and it feels great. Changing ones clothes style feels liberating, its like a coming out of the usual/mandated style. A rebel on the traditional. And I think that your wife's reaction to your new set is not about not knowing who you were in the past or what your real taste is, I think that you buying those styles now brought her the pain of separation. Especially that the whole going out together is nice touch from you and obviously very meaningful to her. Even if she doesn't show much agony or drama about the whole situation on a day to day basis, this purchase kind of brought a gush of emotional reactions to her. Separating from a loved one after a long term relationship like yours is tough, and the chock, denial, anger, resentment, frustration, pain and all other emotions are still in play, and will remain in play for some time, only time can resolve those issues. Now, it is how she feels, this is HER emotions and not yours, don't get impacted, be empathetic but never feel guilty, sad, or affected by such reaction. It is perfectly normal. Every now and then, until separation and even after it, something will bring back up this gush of mixed emotions to her and it might manifest as anger or tears, or something God only knows what! Be there for her, she needs a friend on her side, and you were always there for her. This separation to her is like losing you forever, ease the process on her, without sacrificing your own happiness of course. Good luck my friend.
