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Can you realize you’re straight?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Leah061, Feb 10, 2019.

  1. Broccoli

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    I feel like @Leah061 has been given a bit of a hard time here. I can see how you would be surprised by seeing a stream of people who felt like that posting on another forum and I think it also touches a nerve for many who have lingering fears that the homosexuality they are struggling to come to terms with is not real and they will at some point realise they are straight and feel stupid and embarrassed (there are a continuous stream of posts in this vein on EC). In answer to your question? I don't know, but all I can say is that I never even considered I was gay until I realised in my late twenties that I was and always have been. The mind can play very strange tricks on you, whether it is social conditioning or something else.
     
  2. Leah061

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    Usually the reason someone can go through the first part of their life thinking they're completely straight before realizing they're not has to do with the way heteronormativity keeps our same sex feeling latent. It's a common occurrence for a lot of people.

    The reason I think it's so puzzling that someone can identify as gay to straight is that being straight is not something that holds risk. If you're straight, your experiences and desires line up perfectly with society's expectations. So it's just confusing to me how someone can go through the process of questioning and discovering latent same sex attractions, which is something that many of us struggle with because it requires us to confront our internalized homophobia, and then come to the conclusion that their true orientation fits perfectly into society's heteronormative mold.

    So while sexual fluidity may be a factor in the way someone changes their identity, identifying as gay before straight is just not exactly the same thing as identifying as straight before gay considering heteronormativity. It's extremely common for gay people to think they're straight before realizing they're gay because straight is the default in our world. What's not common is straight people thinking they're gay before realizing they are in fact straight because they were never expected to be gay. Those two experiences aren't completely identical.

    I'm not questioning the legitimacy of experiences of people who have identified as gay before identifying as straight, it just seems that it's different from the more common experience of thinking one is straight before realizing they're gay.

    And for fuck's sake, I'm not looking for a definitive answer to satisfy my question, I just wanted to know what others thought about this.
     
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  3. Meander

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    There's absolutely no way that any arc of how one realizes their sexuality can be a de-facto universal LGBT experience. If one can go about thinking they're straight for years and then realize they're gay/bi/pan/queer, than there's nothing saying that the door can't swing the other way.
     
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  4. grayman

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    Okay, and despite your swearing and your attitude towards everyone in this thread, we're giving you our answers.

    Regardless of "heteronormativity," which is a buzzword that I really can't stand, the experience can go both ways. Is it maybe less common than a straight person realizing they're gay? I don't know? Maybe? Who knows and who cares? That's my answer. So, despite what you say, it DOES seem like you're looking for some definitive answer because you seem to be getting angry that people aren't as appalled by this phenomenon as you are.

    To be honest, that is my answer: I don't care. Nor do I see why you or anyone else would. That's my answer.
     
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  5. Leah061

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    Alright, I will say it again, I am not looking for an answer, and I have acknowledged that sexuality is complicated and that no one has the answers. I know for whatever reason, this is a touchy subject for some members, but none of this was ever meant to make anyone feel invalidated.

    Yes, people do change and want different things, but when we're talking about sexuality in a heteronormative world, there are certain patterns and social forces that are worth addressing because they shape the way we view what it is that we want. That's why it's so common for gay people to think they're straight before realizing they're gay, because all of us are indoctrinated with heterosexual narratives from birth.

    So then, if someone identifies as gay for a long time, and then suddenly, truly feels that they're straight, is that exactly the same thing? No one is expected to be gay. In order to identify as gay, one has to starkly go against society's expectations of them. I have said in this thread that sexuality is fluid, even though I've been accused of believing the opposite, but shifting from the very far end of the spectrum to the other is quite a significant jump, so if someone feels that way, it just isn't quite the same as thinking you're straight before thinking you're gay. I'm not questioning the legitimacy of people who have had this experience, it's just unusual and I think it's interesting to discuss how something like this can happen.


    I'm not sure why you think I'm "appalled" by this. It doesn't bother me that some people feel that they're gay before thinking they're straight, I just think that's unusual, and something worth discussing on a forum labeled "sexual orientation". Personally, I don't think sexuality is quite so fluid that someone can feel gay before feeling straight, and I think it's not quite as simple as saying that "people can change" given the homophobia in our world, and you are welcome to disagree with that. Maybe it is overused, to the point that it's annoying to hear the word, but I think heteronormativity is a word worth using in conversations about how we discover ourselves.

    I have felt a bit attacked and unfairly portrayed as some self righteous gatekeeper, so yes, I have gotten a bit frustrated in my previous responses. You, and anyone else can absolutely disagree with me, I'm not bothered by your disagreement, I'm annoyed with the hostility I received by starting this thread and being labeled judgmental. I apologize that this thread has gotten quite heated, it was never meant to turn into this.

    It seems that I will never be able to prove to you that I'm not actually "angry" about this, nor that I don't intend to determine how anyone should live their life. We are simply misunderstanding each other, and each other's intentions. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this subject, if you would like to discuss it further, I would be glad to hear your thoughts, but if we are going to continue to misinterpret each other, I am not willing to keep this conversation going.
     
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  6. Leah061

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    I do see how this might touch a nerve for some people. It was certainly worrying to me too when I first read these stories, especially since I had to work really hard to accept that I've been gay for years now. What if we're all making our lives harder by identifying as gay/bi only to discover later that we've been straight all along and our struggles in living as gay people were for nothing? It does seem unlikely that this could happen though, which I personally think has a lot to do with social norms and conditioning.
     
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  7. grayman

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    Okay, you're not appalled and you're not angry; point taken. For future reference, when you swear and things like that, you give off the impression that you're angry. Maybe if you don't want your words misinterpreted you can be a little more careful with how you craft your post. Even if it means nothing of the sort, people often equate swearing with anger/frustration.

    That being said, my thoughts are this and this only: I am no more concerned with gay people realizing they're straight than straight people realizing they're gay, my level of concern being absolutely zero. I don't care what anyone is, isn't, wants to be or doesn't want to be - it's none of my business. Gay, straight, trans, queer, whatever label makes you happy, doesn't really matter to me. My advice to anyone, not that anyone is asking, is be comfortable with youself. Find a place where you're happy with you, regardless of what that means or how you accomplish that.
     
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  8. Love4Ever

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    I agree with all of this. Swearing does indicate frustration and hostility and that’s why I think it came off that way. I also agree that none of this matters and I also don’t see why anyone should care in what order it is “appropriate” for someone to discover themselves or do what makes them happy. I just find it puzzling because I remember the OP’s threads from a while back and they were a lot more ambiguous then than they are now, so I honestly don’t see why they are unable to see that peope don’t always know right away. I’ll personally eat my hat the day someone can adequately tell me, with no reservations, why humans are sexually interested in the persons they are. A lot of factors are at play, and are formed throughout our lives. Someone could think they were gay because maybe they were unable at the time to form emotional attachments to the opposite sex, or maybe they felt like they were not happy with the dynamics of such a relationship, and then changed their mind. There are all kinds of legitimate reasons peope might feel this way, but it’s still irrelevant imho. And yes, to the OP, this is a sensitive subject for many who feel that how they came to be gay or straight is being invalidated. Stuff changes in people’s lives, it just does, and that doesn’t present a threat to the way anyone else lives theirs. It’s all fine regardless. I’ve heard lots of people who say this happened to them and the other way around. But I can’t tell you why people feel the way they feel or make the choices they do.
     
    #28 Love4Ever, Feb 11, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2019
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  9. Leah061

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    To clarify, I was angry that at the beginning of this thread I was being called judgmental and that some were coming into this conversation immediately defensive. It bothered me that I was being attacked, and that even when I tried to clarify that I'm just trying to have a discussion, that I was still being pegged as close minded, or angry that you don't agree with me. Criticisms of me came right off the bat, and that seemed ridiculous, and uncalled for, so I reacted. I'm not angry at all about what your thoughts are on this, just that I was continuously being misinterpreted.

    I do think you are right that it is all about finding a place where we're happy with ourselves, and the rest of it doesn't actually matter. That's why I keep reiterating that I'm not judging people who used to be gay before realizing they were straight all along (and I'm still not sure why some have gotten that idea). If being straight after believing you're gay for years of your life brings you happiness, I'm not saying, and never did say, that that is wrong, nor am I looking for a definitive answer on why someone might feel that way. But as I've said, due to (sorry to use this word for the millionth time) heteronormative social forces, I do think that someone going from gay to straight is just not the same thing as someone going from straight to gay. I think to shrug it off as sexual fluidity, or simply that people change, ignores a lot of social structures that are worth looking into. That's just what I think. I understand that ultimately, as long as we find peace in ourselves, it doesn't actually matter as much as we think it does why we feel the way we do, as long as we're living our lives as truthfully as possible.
     
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  10. Silveroot

    Silveroot Guest

    Apparently, the OP and some posters care though. So you can ignore the thread if you don't care as you say. There's a button for it, there's no reason to try to silence the whole discussion just because you don't like it.

    @Leah061 I'm sorry you had to deal with people exploding on you because of the sensitive nature of this topic. No matter how uncomfortable this nagging worry of 'maybe I'm not who I think I am' is, I think it is crucial to express it. You can't have any self-knowledge without uncomfortable questions. Thank you for bringing this topic up. It is something I've been thinking about and I'm sure I'm not the only one that has had such thoughts before.
     
  11. LunaMare

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    I think it’s pretty uncommon and there’s probably still some kind of denial going on in most cases but sometimes it can happen.

    A guy I know used to always be called gay by many people even tho he was dating a girl cause he isn’t super masculine. One day he dumped her, came out to everyone as being gay and started dating a male friend of mine. They were together for like a week, it didn’t work out, he went on to date another boy for a short while and then told everyone that nope he’s straight!

    He said people got in his head and it made him question himself but he’s straight. It’s been at least 6 years and he’s still only dating girls as far as I know.
     
  12. grayman

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    Ironically, while you tell me I'm trying to "silence the whole discussion," you suggest that I ignore the thread entirely thereby exiting the discussion. Sounds like it's you who wants people silenced, not me.

    No one is "blowing up on" the OP. What in the world are you talking about? I and several others have suggested maybe she was being a bit biased, to which she replied with swearing and angry language. If anything, she blew up on us, so I'm not sure why you're rushing to her defense like she's a wounded kitten; it's a bit condescending on your part, actually, as if she's not capable of defending her own ideas. She used language like "everyone calm the fuck down" and "for fuck's sake" several times, and in YOUR mind WE blew up on HER? Get outta here with that nonsense (the difference being, I'm using a phrase here, not actually suggesting you leave the discussion because unlike you I have no interest in silencing people).

    In fact, in the OP's last response to me, it seems we did come to some kind of understanding with one another, which is cool! That means that discussions are being had and people are examining their ideas; that's awesome. It's not until you came in, quoted my post and rehashed old disagreements that I was even going to return to this discussion. Also, that I'm apathetic towards how people feel about themselves does not exclude me from this discussion. I'm allowed to share how I feel as much as anyone else, so why are YOU trying to silence ME?

    As long as people are comfortable with themselves and expressing their sexuality in a way that doesn't harm anyone, I'm all for it. Don't care if your straight, gay bi trans or otherwise, be happy with yourself and do what makes you content/happy.
     
  13. Silveroot

    Silveroot Guest

    @grayman yes, you are right it is ironic, I am ironic because by participating to this thread and replying to me, it shows you actually care.

    The only thing that's missing for this thread to blow up is an actual bomb.

    The OP was trying to have a discussion, which I happen to be interested in. If it bores you, nobody is forcing you to watch it. Of course you're free to stay and try to create a fuss. You might of course trying to be civil and I'm misinterpreting you of course.

    Who doesn't love wounded kitties? Meow.

    I think you care a bit too much.
     
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  14. Leah061

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    THIS THREAD IS EXHAUSTING. Two people have managed to turn this post into something this was never supposed to be. All I wanted was a damn conversation on something I read about sexuality the other day, and I guess it struck a nerve for some people so hard that they took my initial question of "do you think it's possible to realize you're straight?" as some kind of personal attack on them or other people. AS I HAVE SAID MANY TIMES it's fine if you don't agree with my take.

    It's totally fine to leave it at "sexuality is wildly complicated, there's no way we can decipher the truth behind every person's experience, so let's all just be happy" or chalk it up to sexual fluidity. It's just that I was hoping to have a slightly deeper conversation about this that does a bit of unpacking on how exactly something like this could happen through the lens of social conditioning, and the conversation has been completely derailed. Hence, the "swearing and angry language" that apparently offends you greatly.

    Clearly, this thread is not going to achieve it's initial goal. This is pathetic and it is remarkably bothersome to me that some users can't disagree with me without accusing me of being judgmental, biased, disrespectful of other's identities, and then have the audacity to take issue with my "swearing and angry language" for defending myself.

    Carry on with this thread if you wish, or just simply have to have the last word, but I will be unfollowing because I am tired of defending and clarifying myself, and we're not talking about the original post anymore. I don't see this thread being anything but juvenile from this point on. I tried to talk, I tried to clarify my intentions, I tried to find some common ground and invite further discussion, but I think it's time to realize that's just not going to happen.
     
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  15. Silveroot

    Silveroot Guest

    You're probably right, I mean when I first read the replies I was like what the heck...

    I guess that will might make some people happy now.
     
  16. grayman

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    Once again, me having apathy toward's others sexuality doesn't exclude me from this conversation. But okay, run with that if you'd like. It sounds as if you want to censor me because I'm not agreeing with the OP. This IS a support community but it doesn't mean we all need to parrot one another's opinions. I'm allowed to have my own opinion, as are you, as is Leah.

    Once again, it's a simple discussion. The only person who got out of hand was the OP, who was swearing and carrying on. Everyone else, besides you and the OP, has been pleasant and is simply discussing the matter. Not sure why you're trying to turn it into something more.

    You're lame attempt to back me into a corner is duly noted, as you basically say that I can leave the conversation or "stay and create a fuss." Those are the only two options. Apparently, me having a genuine interest in the conversation is not an option.

    One can discuss religion without having an interest in religion in their personal life. So stop with this "you obviously care" nonsense, it's just childish.


    Once again another lame attempt to back me into a corner. You're attempting to make my options A. leave the conversation or B. admit that I "care a bit too much." The problem is, I'm not falling for your nonsense.

    I've expressed my views on the topic, because I wanted to and am free to, and at the current moment have no issue with the OP. Your condescending "white-knighting" is laughable though, as if Leah can't defend her own ideas. That I commented that I'm apathetic towards other people's sexuality does not exclude me from wanting to take part in the conversation. I was simply expressing that I, along with other people, am not as confused by this phenomenon as Leah is.

    As an example, one can take an interest in discussing religion without actually wanting religion in their personal life.
     
  17. redsky

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    I just stumbled upon this thread and think that many interesting answers have already been given. @Leah061 hope you're still reading this.
    I am not an expert but here are my thoughts.

    I agree, I don't think sexual fluidity is the whole answer to this, it can be but I think in many cases it won't.

    So when looking at this I think it seems that this is what completes the picture.
    While for most people coming out as gay and having thought they were straight before it is more a matter of heteronormativity and denial that made them believe they were straight it is different for people thinking they are gay to realizing they are straight.
    In the latter case (and when not looking at cases of pure sexual fluidity) something will have started the questioning, and that can be, as said above, that someone experiences same-sex attractions at some point that starts off the questioning. One small moment or let's say even one gay dream might start the spiral of questioning and that will likely be the case when that person is rather anxious in general and will overanalize their feelings and thoughts. From that moment onwards they might see all encounters through a lense and interpret more in it than there actually is. I think that it is very possible that this is how someone can come to the conclusion they are gay only to later realize they are straight.

    So the issue seems to be that for many it is rather difficult to interpret their experiences and feelings. That is why after so many years many come to a different conclusion, after having experimented or simply gotten to understand themselves better and learned to not look at things from a biased perspective.
    That being said I do believe that it is rather rare that people go from truly feeling like they are gay to realizing they are straight compared to the opposite, simply because in our society it is so much easier to fit into the heteronormative standards. Though that now LGBTQ+ topics are being discussed more frequently and people are becoming more accepting it should be interesting to see whether/how that will change in the future.
    Although then hopefully it shouldn't be an issue at all and people will be accepting regardless of the changes in conclusions about their sexuality people make throughout their life.
     
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  18. Silveroot

    Silveroot Guest

    I've noticed that when it comes to identity, people hold on it very tightly. At least, I've noticed this anxiety rising from me when I don't know what to call myself. I imagine it has happened to others too.

    It's not simple to detach from your identity, when society and conditioning makes you feel like you must be this thing, that can be described in words to others. If you can't describe it, then this social game becomes pointless. Maybe in a way, it doesn't matter.

    I think if society didn't make people feel like they're going to be punished for being non-straight, this would not be such an issue.
     
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  19. Lexa

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    I think it is possible although probably rare. I think redsky explained it very well.
     
  20. PatrickUK

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    I tend to agree with @redsky. It's hard to imagine that someone will permanently settle on the idea they are straight after years of questioning their sexuality.