Hi, I'm unsure if this is posted in the correct thread. I apologise if it isn't. I'm wondering if anyone out there has a similar experience to me. I am 25, and I identify as a lesbian. I have never had a romantic/sexual relationship - I have not even had my first kiss yet. I'm feeling really low about it recently. I'm seeing my friends getting engaged and I have not even had a relationship. I downloaded ###### a few months ago. I started chatting to this woman on there. She was really beautiful, and I would've loved to have went out with her. However, I got too scared and the conversation ended up dissipating due to my reluctance to meet. I think it was because I felt like she would have been disappointed in me, I would have looked ugly in person. Another barrier to me meeting people from online is that I feel really bad that I'm wasting their time, and that as soon as they see me, they'll regret agreeing to meet. To make things worse, I'm actually a Clinical Psychologist. I feel like I should be able to deal with this, but I just can't and it's destroying me. I'm wondering if other people have had a similar experience? I think, if anything, I just want to feel like I'm not alone. Thanks if you read this through.
Hey 2019, You're definitely not alone! Although I'm still a few months shy of 25, I'm in very much the same situation, and I've actually been very reluctant to meet anyone from a dating app because of my own insecurities.... I think one piece of advice in that regard, though, is "don't make other people's decisions for them". By not agreeing to go on a date, you're completely removing any chance that it might turn into something. You're also taking away their choice in the matter. Maybe she really liked you, and she would have loved you even more if she'd seen you in real life - but you're taking that option away from her. And maybe she wouldn't have (it is unlikely you'd have been ugly in person when she's already seen photos of you - we often don't appreciate ourselves in 4d nearly as much as other people do, and tastes differ!),but now you never know. It's just a little piece of advice that I've found very useful in other places and that definitely applies to this. Dating as a latebloomer can be absolutely terrifying because you've never done it before and I feel like the older I get the more hyperaware I become of that fact (I mean, a 15 year old on a first date is expected to be awkward/uncomfortable/not knowing what to do... fast forward ten years and it feels like you people expect you to be more comfortable with it?) I've recently had a really hard time seeing queer friends of mine be in happy relationships. With straight friends I don't care that much because I know that they never had to go through a questioning phase and got to take the easy way when it took me forever to figure out my sexuality... but when I see queer friends so far ahead of me it becomes really hard not to compare myself anymore. Just remember that everyone's journey is unique, and just because you're doing things differently from your peers does not mean you're doing it wrong. It may seem frustrating now, but if there's anything I've learned from talking to latebloomers it's that eventually, you'll be glad you did it your way instead of letting yourself be pressured into doing things at someone else's pace. And you're definitely not alone - if you ever want to rant about it, feel free to post a message on my wall (you need a few more posts on this forum before you can do so, just fyi). By the way, as for the being a psychologist thing? Knowing your theory and being able to help others out says absolutely nothing about yourself. There's a reason why tons of psychologists have their own psychologists as well. I've got a postgrad in film and am on my way getting a second MA in film/gender and yet I cannot make a film, nor can I ever figure out how gender works and how i relate to it. Work and studying and research can teach us tons about others but that doesn't necessarily mean we can directly apply it to ourselves. Hell, if it was, we should all go and study to become psychologists! No more mental health problems for anyone ever!
Hi I could have written this myself. Im in the same situation. I'm 25 and have never had a relationship either. I really want to start dating and begin that part of life. I have social anxiety, so meeting in person or even talking on the phone is extremely difficult for me. Im sorry you are going through this. And I wish I could do more to help. You are definitly not alone.
I hope I don't depress the 20-something year olds above... But I'm in this position, and I'm now 48. No kiss, no relationship, no dates. I never even had a casual date as a teenager to go to a school social event.
Hi, Thanks so much for the detailed response. Yes I think you're right about how it can be a long process to realise your sexuality, which can stunt things, whereas others don't have that issue. I think it's hard to disregard what others are doing - I'm trying hard to focus on myself, but it's hard, and I often wonder how I'm in this situation. In terms of what you were saying about knowing what you're doing at 25, it does scare me. I'm not sure how people would receive a 25 year old with not so much as their first kiss yet :') Liska, Sorry, it won't let me quote you. Hopefully it's helped knowing you are not the only one! What is it about meeting/phoning people that makes it difficult?
Hi, What is that like? Is this through lack of opportunity, or other difficulties, and do you see things changing?
1) I feel like you should know this, but just because you are a clinical psychologist doesn't mean that you can treat yourself. The beauty of therapy is being able to have a space for someone to give use guidance and help us deal with out shit. You also need a therapist. Go get one. 2) The society that we live in is violent as fuck. Capitalism also makes it so all of us are always feeling like we are not enough. Not productive enough, not rich enough, not in a relationship enough etc. Its all intentional and we all have to everyday make sure we don't buy into the bullshit. To you it might seem like you haven't done anything, but being a clinical psychologist at 25 is A LOT to accomplish. Doesn't seem to you that way because it not what you struggled with, but its true. Here is more perspective for you: Got married at 21 to the love of my life. Since then both of us got our degrees, bought a house, got our savings to cover 8 months of spending, been on at least 2 vacations a year, just finished remodeling our kitchen that we saved up for (15k), we have met beautiful men and created great bonds, we have a great group of friends, our family is amazing, etc. AND STILL sometimes I feel like I haven't done enough. I beat myself up because my career isn't going totally as I planned, I beat myself up because I should be making more money at this point, I'm still fat and not doing enough about it, still struggling with anxiety some days, still procrastinate way too much and the list goes on and on. Its brutal. The goal post never stops moving, some people will always do better than you, and if you don't stop buying into the bullshit it will destroy you. Yes, sucks that you don't have a relationship, but you cannot allow yourself to feel inadequate because of it. Our society has this horrible way to make romantic relationships the end all be all of life, when its really not. I'm not trying to say that you don't have a right to be sad about this. Be sad, cry and vent, but don't let it attack your sense of self. I promise you, even when you get a relationship it will still not feel like "you have made it" because its not how it works. So instead of chasing a relationship in order to feel fulfilled, focus on creating the life that you want and being able to stay present so you can appreciate the things you do have. Focus on creating beautiful relationships with friends, meaningful connections with others and making sure your life isn't defined by being in a relationship. Go to therapy, talk about your low-self-esteem and how it impacts your dating life and work on that.
A mixture of factors. As a teenager, I had zero interest in dating. Back then, the only "acceptable" option for dating would have been a girl. At that time, I either didn't know, didn't accept, or was in denial that I'm gay. This lasted through my 20s. During those years, I also had some practical issues that kept me from even thinking of relationships (e.g., caring for my mother at the end of her life). In my 30s, I began questioning, and IIRC acknowledged I had some attraction to other men. I finally realized I was just plain gay in 2013, not long after joining EC. At that point, I had optimism for my future. Then, my optimism started dropping. I now have zero hope that I'll ever have a first date, let alone a relationship. I'm pretty hard to market: I'm seriously slow income, with no hope of that changing any time soon (if ever), and I find it impossible to imagine any guy in his right mind thinking for even a second of getting involved with poor, white trash. I suppose having sex one time before I die might be possible...but I'm just not comfortable with the idea of hookups. Plus there would likely be this thrilling conversation: "Why, yes, I'm nearly 50--and this is my first time. How did you guess?" "It wasn't hard to guess. This is the worst sex I've ever had. It's obvious you don't know what the f--- you are doing!" Past that, one apparently needs a cell phone with one of those hookup apps these days...and I don't have a smart phone.
Hi, and welcome to Empty Closets! Opening up to people, even anonymously on the internet, takes a lot of courage, so you’ve already taken a considerable step forward by posting on this forum. I’m 31 and I’ve never kissed anyone or done stuff with anybody. You’re not on your own and there’s definitely no need to rush into anything until you are completely ready. And, as Smurf rightly pointed out, you’ve already reached a huge milestone by working as a clinical psychologist at the age of 25, so there’s a lot that you can already feel proud of. The fear or feeling of being left behind when your friends are getting engaged or raising their first child is very common. And, when you’re in the closet and not feeling completely at ease with your sexuality, wanting to back out of meeting people from dating apps is also very common. I did the exact same thing as you, and I took it as a sign that I wasn’t ready for casual dating while closeted or a clandestine relationship (the latter, in particular, is likely to put an enormous amount of pressure on both parties, anyway). Your worries are perfectly normal but, instead of downloading apps for dating etc, I'd urge you to work towards feeling more comfortable with yourself. This may seem obvious but, if you’re starting to feel down about your situation, you should see your GP, as you could be suffering from anxiety and/or depression. There are quite a few regional LGBT charities (including ones based in Birmingham, Bradford, Derby, Hull, Leeds, Liverpool, London, Manchester, Norwich and York, among other UK cities and towns) that offer counselling and/or drop-in services. Some form of counselling or therapy will really help, especially as you seem to be suffering from a crisis of confidence (which is understandable under the circumstances). If you tell Switchboard LGBT, a national helpline, your nearest town or city via email, phone or web chat, they will be able to confirm whether any LGBT charities are located near your area. Making new friends, through attending social or sport groups etc for the LGBT community, will also help and, again, Switchboard LGBT will be able to confirm whether any networking opportunities are located near your area. Switchboard LGBT also give bespoke and detailed replies within 72 or 96 hours if you ever need to ask them for any advice via email. I hope that this helps, and good luck!
I was 27 when I first kissed a guy. The number of intimate encounters I've had since then can be counted on one hand. It is what it is. I'm not wholly comfortable meeting people even now, due to various circumstances. I chat with a lot of people on online dating apps, but hardly meet any of them. Sure, it used to frustrate me, but now I'm more accepting of the situation.
Hey this was me. I was shy awkward and nervous. I'd never been on a date, had a kiss or anything. I came out in my mid 20's and there was actually several moments where I wondered if it was worth bothering to come out because I never thought I'd find a girlfriend anyway, so maybe I should save myself the hassle. As the others have said, knowing the theory behind something and helping others with it is one thing, dealing with it in your own mind is totally different. Meeting in person is scary, 100% but you cannot force your opinions of yourself onto others. You do not know what they want, like or what they are looking for. That's not to say the first person you meet with will be the right one but give them a chance. I am sure you have many amazing qualities. It is not all about looks anyway. I now have a long term girlfriend and I'm so glad that I took that leap of faith, sometimes you just have to close your eyes and find your inner 5 seconds of bravery, you never know what beauty may lie on the other side.
Hiya everyone Really sorry for the late reply. Hearing other people's similar experiences has made me feel less anxious about the current trajectory of my own life! The idea of not making others' decisions on whether they will like me or not has particularly stuck with me.
I'm a few years older than you. I had some sexual experiences with guys (but not full sex) in my teens/early twenties, went on a few dates and had one short-term boyfriend. I always felt that I was acting out a role that I didn't really understand and didn't do anything for me so was seriously wondering whether I was some kind of asexual by my early twenties. At that point I stopped entertaining any kind of romantic/sexual interaction with guys as I had other things to deal with and I guess grew up enough to not care so much about peer influences. Realised I was gay not so long ago and now I feel like I have to begin competely from scratch and don't know where to start, so found this post and the responses really reassuring. You're not alone.
I'm 25 and just had my first kiss a few months ago. Don't let society tell you you have to have done certain things by a certain age, there is no time limit on dating/marriage/ect. It will be more enjoyable if you wait until you feel ready to do things. Psychologists are humans who are allowed to need help too, don't look down on yourself about that.
I'm 33, never dated a guy, although, I did have couple of light sexual encounters, as I hit some hook-up websites due to my desperation, and desire to test if I really like men. Well turned out I do like men, but because of all the hook-up website dates I've found out hating myself. I am a romantic kind of person and acting so carelessly absolutely destroyed myself. Been 2 years now since I last did anything with anyone, it's annoying and the loneliness is killing me, but I can't seem to find the right way to find what I'm looking for, I'm stucked in different web forums looking for solution, but I don't think I'd ever be able to fix this situation
Hey it is a tough situation, have you tried joining some LGBT or just male gay social groups, I am not saying its a perfect solution but I have seen several people on this website have some joy doing that in the past.
Never tried anything like that, simply because I really don't know where to start, dating sites seemed like the best (easiest solution) but then again all these websites did was destroying my self-esteem. I'm not saying I'm anything special when it comes to looks, but I've been rejected by men who look like... well let's say nothing special (and this comes from someone who don't usually judge book by its cover). Anyways, can you recommend a starting point or something, it's really frustrating not knowing where to start...
I dont know of any specific groups but your location is set to London so there must be some. I would start on Meetup.com and look for LGBT stuff, there are sometimes support groups or groups which have a specific theme like a book group or walking group etc. That way you can make some friends and build from there.
Hi! I'm in a similar situation - I'm closeted, in my early 30s and never been romantically/sexually intimate with anyone - so I know how frustrating this can be. Here are some details of London-based organisations that could help. London Friend is a charity that offers LGBT counselling, coming out groups, social and support groups, volunteering opportunities, and an area that stocks LGBT books and magazines: http://londonfriend.org.uk OutdoorLads - a charity that hosts outdoor activities for gay, bisexual and trans men - are holding an open afternoon on Saturday 16 February, between 1pm and 5pm, at the Comptons Pub in Soho: https://www.outdoorlads.com/events/come-and-meet-outdoorlads-190216 London Gaymers hold monthly meet-ups and regular online tournaments for the LGBT+ gaming community: https://www.londongaymers.co.uk If you’re into sport, you can search for a London-based LGBT+ sports club (as well as the usual basketball, cricket, football and rugby clubs, there are ones dedicated to the likes of softball, table tennis and tenpin bowling) on the Out For Sport website: https://outforsport.com The Dean Street Wellbeing Programme’s website has a list of London-based groups for the LGBT+ community, including ones that are dedicated to bird watching, books, bridge, dancing, film, music, photography, religion and writing. They also provide a list of low-cost counselling organisations: http://community.dean.st/off-scene-groups/ And, if you ever need to anonymously ask a helpline advisor for any confidential advice or information (whether it’s about coming out, your emotional wellbeing and sexual health, how to meet new people, or absolutely anything else), you can contact Switchboard LGBT via email, phone and webchat. Their volunteers are fully trained, so I can promise you that their advice won’t be dogmatic or judgmental, and they usually provide a bespoke and detailed reply to emails within 72 or 96 hours: https://switchboard.lgbt I hope that this helps, and I wish you all the best!
