My bisexual journey

I wanted to share an update with the community, as I have gained a lot of insight and perspective hearing people's stories and experiences.

I had an "awakening" of sorts in January 2017, when in a crisis situation, I had sexual feelings for a guy (I'm a guy) that I had kept dormant for 15-20 years (mostly unconsciously). I spent a year in various states of distress (while at home with my wife and 2 young kids - 8 and 10). I spent the next year (mostly) separated, and exploring (primarily) with other women, but actively fantasizing and having a few sexual experiences with a man. And a number of dates with men.

In the year of separation, I spent a lot of time in therapy and contemplation. I continued to be the father that I wanted to be....coaching my kids various sports, having family dinners, being more present and less judgmental, and I believe our relationship is better than before. I also pushed myself to have uncomfortable experiences with guys....talking about them, exploring my fantasies, meeting gay guys, telling people I was bisexual, etc.

I realized at the end of 2018 that having a relationship with another women/sex with another woman wasn't going to solve my two biggest issues. 1) my struggle to effectively communicate with my wife and 2) my shame and lack of acceptance for feeling sexual desire for a man. So....my wife and I agreed to ramp up the couples counseling. We have been going for 2 months now, and I have been honest about my struggles and challenges within our relationship. Things have really improved! She and I have been much happier while together, and our family unit remains intact. Our sex life has been really good, and it hasn't been this good for a long time.....not one sided, and truly a joyful experience! Wow.

I still struggle with the fact that I also experience strong desire (primarily in fantasy) to experience sex with a man. I have periods of questioning, doubt, and shame that can manifest in dreams and physical pain. However, when I embrace this part of me, it doesn't take away from or eliminate the sexual attraction I feel for my wife, and it frankly relaxes me (relieving a sexual tension or feeling that I am suppressing something).

She is open to my having a relationship or sexual experiences with a man if it is what I need to be fully me. I am grateful for her willingness to consider, and still scared to pursue that kind of life (whatever that means). I can be alternatively scared, really turned on, grossed out.....the range of feelings is wide and swings wildly at times. I am trying to meditate and stay present to and sit with all of my feelings.

My lease is up and I am going to move back into the family house.....we are going to continue parenting, growing on our own, being honest with each other, and seeing where life will take us over the next year. I am a little nervous and scared, as I did enjoy some of the peace and solitude, and I wonder how it will work as I continue to be open to my feelings for men.....am I being fair to my wife? am I being honest with myself? what's best for my family?

Anyway, I wish everyone on this site peace and love on their journey. Thanks for reading.

 

Thanks man. I do think sometimes there is a level of hyper sexuality in me....like I had sex 5-6 times in a 24 hour period with this girl at the end of the year, and I still had an urge to masturbate.

I recognize that sex and masturbation has been a way for me to relieve anxiety and feel loved. As I mentioned, I’m trying to sit with those feelings for longer periods of time.

I also think that because I was suppressing these feelings for guys, allowing them an outlet has made urges considerably stronger.

And I may be just one horny dude!