Soooo i'm currently 19 and in college and this question has been burdening my mind for years upon years. My entire life i've always felt as if something was "off." I always thought something was wrong with me. I was obsessed with girls from a young age but always told myself it was just because i wanted to be like them, not with them. I would always find myself staring at girls constantly, and would use the same excuse that I actually believed. I just wanted to be exactly like they were. I'd always find myself staring at girls or checking them out constantly. A hot girl would make my head turn immediately, but a male wouldn't. Then when I turned 14 I met a girl and thought I was in love with her. She was openly gay and i thought i wanted to be just like her. I repressed these feelings away. I then actually believed that I liked boys. I put up this "straight girl" persona for over a year. Then, I thought I was lesbian again. I even came out to some of my friends as completely gay when i was 16. Then, feelings subsidized and I was seemingly "straight" again. It comes in phases. It would confuse my friends just as much as it would confuse me when I came out to them as lesbian and then would tell them i'm into boys now. But no matter what, i still couldn't stop looking at girls or only being able to picture myself with women and not men. As of right now, I'm confused yet again. Any time i find a male even somewhat attractive, they're gay or very feminine. College is an entire new experience and seeing so many people here openly gay while being happy has confused me. I don't know what I want. I'm tired of feeling straight one day and gay the next? Is something wrong with me? I don't feel physically attracted to men at all but i'm extremely physically attracted to females and have been for a while. Any time i find myself saying a man is attractive, i never feel anything sexual. I just can't picture myself being with a man, but i almost feel as if i have to? Maybe this is internalized homophobia? I'm terrified to admit that i'm lesbian or even the thought of coming out to certain people in my life. I'm scared what my future will look like if im gay. I know this sounds ridiculous, but this has been eating away at me from a very young age now. I used to be all for "no labels" but i want to label myself. I want to know what i am and be able to assign myself to a category because otherwise i just feel so lost and confused. I know nothing is wrong with being gay, i just don't understand why i keep flip-flopping. It's like i can't make up my mind as to who i am. I'm terrified of ridicule, and i've faced exclusion before in my life. Im scared that even the LGBT community will reject me. I feel as if something is wrong with me, and i don't know what to do about it.
Take a breath. Your young and sexuality is confusing at times. Time is on your side to sort through these feelings. I can only speak from a male perspective but the path to determining your true sexual orientation is not always clear nor is always a straight line.That said strictly from your post you do seem to be more lesbian than straight. I also understand the label thing. I as well at first did not want to identified as gay because of heteronormative programming but as time went on I realized that I wanted to be seen as a proud openly gay man living a gay lifestyle without reservation or shame. I hope the same for you which ever way it works out. EC is an excellent resource and sounding board. You will find your path.
It seems to me that you are worrying way to much about it all, and the stress of the worrying is causing you even more confusion. Have you considered you could be pansexual, demisexual or even bisexual? This is probably the number one reason I hate labels especially in the beginning when trying to figure it all out. Don't feel the need to label yourself and just allow your feelings to be what they are. Straight people do not go around explaining their sexuality, there is no reason we should have to either. So don't make it so hard on yourself. Try to just live in the moment and if at one time you are attracted to one person and then a different person at another time, so be it.
Hello and welcome to Empty Closets! First of all, congratulations for making the first brave step of posting here for guidance. It may not seem like a lot, but just being willing to discuss these things is a huge step, especially if you've been facing facing them all by yourself for years. As for your main question, you could be bisexual or lesbian. From your description, you don't sound straight. You are not exclusively into men, if you are into them at all. Either way, if you are bisexual or gay, you could be affected by compulsory heterosexuality, the feeling that you must be with a man because society has conditioned you from day one to think so. You can search online for coercive heterosexuality or comp het. I read blogs and posts like these and it helped me understand myself better. http://positive-lesbian-vibes.tumblr.com/post/160027255602/how-i-recognized-comp-hetcoercive In the end, you will figure it out, one step at a time.
First off, welcome to Empty Closets and thank you for sharing your story! I actually relate to a lot of the things you say a lot. As of now, I am 21 years old and identify as a lesbian. But when I was younger, I most certainly felt like I was supposed to picture myself with a man too (I still like the IDEA of being with a man as well, but I am not sexually attracted to them at all). I myself started to label myself as a lesbian when I broke up with my first girlfriend. I thought to myself that if I would go look for a new partner, I would be looking for another woman. As much as I would like to tell you labels don't matter, I find it very comforting to be able to label myself as a lesbian (although I don't think I need to stick with that label forever). College can be a confusing experience, especially since you're going through such emotions. I can't tell you what you should identify as, that is not up to anyone but you. Try not to worry about it too much, even though that might seem hard. If you get too confused, maybe try writing down what you're looking for in a partner or relationship? I found that to be very useful myself. Letting go of the feeling you have to picture yourself with a man can be tough, but there will always be people who will love you for who you are, keep that in mind! Don't be too hard on yourself. You can take all the time you need to figure things out. Try to have fun in the meantime!
Hey welcome to EC. Take a deep breath. It's going to be ok. Nobody can tell you your sexuality it is something you have to figured out but that being said from what you have written it sounds to me that you are most likely gay. It sounds as though your doubts and your confusion lie mainly in societies stereotypes and probably some internalised homophobia which I can assure you is way more common than you think. The mind can be a powerful thing and I suspect that the times you feel gay are when you are just you and the times you feel a bit straight are when your fears about being gay and everything that comes with it and your sub conscious then tries to fool you into thinking you are straight. Have you ever spoken to anyone in real life about this?
While this is up to you to work out, saying that you feel like you "have" to like guys is exactly how I felt. The focus at school was always about 'sex', so I singled that out from everything else related to sexuality, relationships etc. and everyone talked like that was the "goal" or something. What helped me realise I didn't give a shit about boys/men in that way at all was noticing how I liked the idea of kissing certain women, but never men. I have never understood what people get out of kissing men or what is supposed to be alluring about it. I can't think of any reason I would be with a man other than feeling like I "have to". I think there are many who are nice to look at, but that's it. More and more of the smaller things like that helped me build a clearer picture of where my feelings really lie.
