When/how did you know?

I've been here since 2013. During that time, I've seen everything from people who realized late in life they were LGBT to people who'd always known, but hidden the fact.

In my particular case, I don't recall considering the thought that I was gay until (maybe) when I was in my mid/late 20s (and if I did it then, it was a very short lived questioning phase). Real questioning began somewhere in my 30s. That was off and on, with long stretches of denial. I finally joined EC at 42, and not long after, decided I was most likely gay.

But...there were clues earlier in life. When I was 13, I liked seeing other boys nude in my school locker room, and I thought about other boys when I masturbated. But I just didn't have the knowledge at the time to interpret these clues--my understanding of sex was the "man meets a woman, they fall in love, they get married, and when they decide to have a baby..." talk.

As the knowledge of sex and sexuality came to me, I started denial that lasted years, until I finally started having to seriously question...

 

I am 39 and when I was 24 I had an intense crush on a woman who was a lesbian... I started to really question my speciality ans I really wanted her to be my girlfriend but she already had one but I also felt I needed to explore this but didn’t know how. I was too nervous to just go out and try to meet other lesbians at a bar on my own. During this time I met my now husband and at the time I thought it was just a one time thought but now I’m realizing I was probably scared of these feelings and pushed them away once I felt an attraction toward a guy... and now I’m married to him. Over a year ago I saw a woman at a grocery store and when we made eye contact something about the energy gave me instant butterflies and I felt an intense attraction toward her. This started happening more and more over the past year as I began to acknowledge these feelings I’m also having less to no attraction at all toward men. The way I feel attracted toward women feels different than how I have felt attracted to men in the past...more intense. So now I am in the process of figuring all his out and needing to talk to my husband about sometime soon.

Oh and looking back now I can see there were clues...like you, I had intense friend crushes but realize they were probably more. I have always felt nervous in the locker room in that I didn’t want other women thinking I was checking them out so I would always avoid looking toward people as they changed... I’m guessing straight women do not even worry about that.

 

For me, I think I was 11 or so, didn't know what just that it was "wrong". shame it a bitch. Took until recently to really admit. Long time between 11 and 46.

 

I more considered myself a bit bicurious when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older my attraction to women has grown stronger than my attraction to men. Even as a teenager I enjoyed watching lesbian movies, and I tended to have somewhat effeminate boyfriends, but then as I got to my mid-late 20s became more attracted to masculine men (which I now wonder if it was to do with a desire to have kids). It was also easier to be with men, and so I took what I thought was the ‘easy’ route to live life as a straight woman.
I think I realised that my interest in women was more than just a phase when I’d notice myself feeling jealous of lesbian couples (but not straight couples) and when watching movies or tv shows I’d be turned on by lesbian love scenes, but feel embarrassed when straight love scenes were on.
I’m still figuring out where to next (recently separated), but I’m hoping that my next relationship will be with a woman.

 

I can totally relate to this description and to the questioning @lucybee has done. I think it shifted for me. Or perhaps it was just dormant. IDK. But my attraction toward women hit me like a sledgehammer.

My marriage was generally great. My husband and I were best friends and I literally put my marriage above everything else (I can now see the problems with both of these things). And if someone had told me that one day I'd go to a random kid event - make eye contact with a woman - and this one act would implode my marriage and forever change my life, I'd written this person off as absolutely crazy. But that's exactly what happened. Meeting her gaze was like turning. on. a. light. switch. It was electric; my body was on fire; I immediately saw images of us making love/having sex/completely swept away. I fell for this woman so hard. I'd never even considered that I was sexually attracted to women before. And I've spent plenty of time professionally and personally around LGBTQ folks. Plenty. But something about eye contact with her on that day lit a fire I couldn't deny. When I went home, I cried and wept AND cried and wept some more because of the gravity of it. I knew I had to get a divorce because I'd NEVER felt that way about my husband...or any man. And I knew in my heart of hearts that I never would. And I also knew that I wasn't willing to go to my grave never having THAT feeling in my life again.

It's been almost two years since that thunderbolt moment. I can still see those images in my mind and feel the electricity when I think about or see her. I'm divorced and the kids are fine. I've racked my brain, lurked on sites like this (this is my very first posting!), read scholarly articles, read books, saw the documentary (Speak Your Truth), cried many many times, went to therapy, meditated, talked to my family and friends, consulted my astrological chart and STILL don't know how to FULLY explain this. However, I can also now see that there were glimmers of it in my past, but each could've easily been explained away. My intense relationships with women (Don't most women have those?). Zero sexual desire (You can't throw a stick w/o hitting someone who dreads having sex with her husband...right?) And twenty years ago (that's right, TWENTY!) I had a fleeting thought of kissing a woman (Granted, I still remember how shocking that thought was...but I have fleeting thoughts about lots of shocking & memorable things!).

I'm now completely disinterested in men sexually. And as I tune into myself and my body more, I can also feel the energy from women more...and it's also more intense than my attraction ever was toward men. I guess it feels like an awakening and a shift in...energy.

 

I knew way before puberty I was different and attracted to the same sex. Even had a three yr fling with a school friend. But still married a woman but I'm out now and have my own place.
So in my opinion we are born not straight as my thoughts on sexuality were before puberty....

 

I remember worrying about being too masculine as a child. I had girly princess phases, but I could also be a tomboy who wanted her hair cut short, and I was protective of my female friends in a chivalrous sort of way and really admired them. When I hit puberty I realized I got aroused by hot women or the female half of sexually explicit couples on TV, but assumed I was just picturing myself in their place and mirroring their pleasure. I had female crushes throughout my teenage years, but also had crushes about guys and found a way to convince myself I was straight (funny how the constant threat of hell will do that). My only models of lesbians were the strict butch type, and I didn't see myself in them. I also couldn't picture a romantic relationship with a girl, just knew the sexual part was interesting, so it could be more easily ascribed to a fantasy. Around the time I got married one of my friends came out and I was soooo jealous of her and her girlfriend. I wasn't attracted to either of them, but what they had was so tender and sweet. Also, they were both pretty femme and my friend had dated guys in the past, so it challenged my notions of what a lesbian was. After I got married I met two girls at separate times that I was not only attracted to but grew close to emotionally. This was my "moment" if you will, or more a series of moments where I knew beyond a doubt that I wanted that life and all that came with it. I have since heard my story repeated by many women here or as told in books and movies, and realize my sexuality was pretty obvious in hindsight.

 

Your response resonates with me so much! Your description perfectly captures that feeling I got from just eye contact with another woman. And same here... I have never felt that kind of electricity with a guy... I thought I had crushes on guys in Jen last but also never understood why my friends seemed so “boy crazy” I never was overwhelmed with feelings... well now I get it and it’s odd having those feelings finally hit me in my 30s and after having kids. I felt an attraction to men, would be smitten and wanted them to like me and have boyfriends but it was never a full body/mental experience like the crushes I have had on women. While I see the writing on the wall and know I need to explore this so I can follow through on these feelings I have not found my voice to leave my husband but I’m getting closer. Starting therapy and hoping this group has helped with that momentum though.

By the way, welcome and I am so glad you posted and hope you find it helpful to be here

 

Im 27 I always questioned myself growing up , I always knew I was different, I would date guys and always felt something was missing, I could never fall in love and it use to make me feel bad because all the guys I dated were really nice but I only seen them as best friends. Once I dated my now girlfriend at 21..everything started making sense. I was always lesbians,

 

Crikey. I can relate to a lot of this

 

For some of us it is really NOT a good description to say: "I was closeted". A more accurate description might be closer to: "I was unaware of my true sexuality."

 

I can relate to this... I never fell in love with any of the guys I dated in high school... something was already missing and I felt like I was going through the motions while all my friends were over the moon for their guys. First year in college I dated a guy and it took me months to tell him that I loved him after he already told me.. I just didn’t feel overwhelmed with the feeling of love and when I finally did it was more of a logical conclusion... I like him and I do not want him to stop being my boyfriend and I like the time we spend together etc so this must be love. I never said I love you to another guy I dated until my husband who I met 6 years later. I think with him I was obsessed with the idea of being with him and I believe I did fall in love with him but just different. I haven’t gone beyond just having a crush for a woman but
Justbthise feelings alone feel so much more intense.. I can’t imagine how it would feel if how I feel about a crush goes further into an actual relationship... but I want to explore that for myself.

 

I can relate so much to 'rationalizing away' feelings. I have simultaneously always known I liked girls, and always thought I was wrong about feeling that way. The first time I realized I thought of girls differently from other girls, I was a little kid trying to explain how much I wanted to kiss Kimberly the pink Power Ranger after she got hurt falling off the balance beam. I got a weird reaction and realized I needed to shut up about this stuff. So I did, and spent most of my preteen/teen years on the internet trying to sort through the feelings, and when I got outed by a friend reading my journal in high school and telling everyone, I vehemently denied I'd ever written anything like that (thank god this was right before smartphones were everywhere). I told myself 'You don't like girls, you just really like art and appreciate beautiful women in an artistic way', or I'd pick someone I didn't like and was not attracted to at all, and say 'See? You don't want to sleep with her, so you can't be gay/bi'. When I did occasionally bring it up, people gave me some variant of 'it's a phase' or 'okay, honey, that's not something you want to tell the world', so I kind of filed the feelings under Embarrassing Delusions people eventually grow out of, like thinking you might actually be a wizard or an alien or long lost princess or whatever and just not know it.

Whenever I did find myself liking a guy, it felt like such a relief, like randomly guessing on a test and getting the right answer. When I liked a girl, it felt so good but I shoved it down and told myself it was just left over from adolescence. I got really intense feelings for a woman I worked with a few years ago. I loved everything about her, I loved making her laugh, finding reasons to touch her, etc. She's straight but it made me realize I couldn't live without addressing this. I've only recently acknowledged it out loud.

 

I'm not fully out, but I had always been questioning since my teen years. I've even had my first girlfriend after high school! One time a got a wet dream of a girl, so I guess that was a manifestation of my hidden feelings?

 

Wow now that I think about it growing up I was attractive to the pink ranger as well. I didnt think anything of it until now Also I didn’t sexualize women either which was another huge reason I felt back in high school I couldn’t be gay. I’m so glad we have this site because it really does help with understanding things ...ourselves

 

Hey this is an awesome thread and just proof that there are so many journeys which are all unique but with similarities.
My girlfriend and I are in this respect complete opposites. We met in our mid 20's (her more early 20's) and we're both coming out, she had known for years but had ignored and serpressed it. I had always thought I was straight (although had never been interested in boys), until I was watching a to show with a female character figuring out her sexuality and I had a heart stopping moment when I realised I might be gay. Since which I've noticed more and more thing that when I look back at them now I wonder how they didn't alert me to my gayness at the time but now seem so obvious. For a while I was really frustrated by figuring it out so late (or late in my mind) but now I just think that my mind saw it when it was ready to deal with it. When I explain to my girlfriend that I didn't realise I was gay until then she thinks it's funny that I didn't know, but that's the way it was.