What am I?

I think your worrying about it too much, if it bothers you that much you should probably see a doctor or a therapist.

 

You sound like you have anxiety...and you’re bisexual. I think the constant what ifs you are posing yourself are the problem. I struggle with overthinking a lot as well. It’s hard but honestly trying to relax should become your number one priority rather than pinning down your sexuality with a label.

 

i had a similar problem, my raising made it very hard to come to terms with myself, so, to find that out, i went out and tried it. i had relations with a guy, and i loved it, and that started the snowball, so go out and try it is my advice

 

also, yay i found a dutch person. my mom is a roosevelt by birth (yes those roosevelts) and i am mostly dutch by heritage

 

Hello! I'm sorry that you are going through a difficult time, but please be assured that your situation is not uncommon (my own experience is admittedly a little different to yours, though).

I was confused about my sexuality for a long time and, for a period of at least five years, I genuinely didn’t know whether I was asexual or gay. I knew that I was exclusively attracted to other men and craved emotional intimacy with them, but I was indifferent toward the idea of losing my virginity and I also preferred the sight of fully clothed men to naked or semi-naked men.

I typically spent two or three weeks obsessing about how I should label myself, and could go weeks or even months without actively analysing my sexuality, before something (whether it was a newspaper article or feelings of isolation) would restart the vicious circle.

I felt completely out of place in the asexual community and found it easier to relate to gay culture, so I questioned whether I was using that as a way to bargain my way out of being asexual. The very idea of being gay freaked me out, though, so I couldn’t stop myself from simultaneously questioning whether I was using asexuality as a way to bargain my way out of being gay.

The intensity of these conflicting thoughts felt so real and, as a result, my emotional wellbeing suffered enormously. I now self-identify as gay, but getting rid of the idea that I could be asexual will take time.

When I contacted an LGBT helpline for advice, they told me that sexuality is not a fixed human interaction, and what people can identify with and relate to can alter over time and with experience.

They added that different people experience or think about the same sexual act in different ways. People often have an intimacy gap – you may feel that the reality of a certain sexual act is awkward or uncomfortable when compared to your fantasies, for instance – and how you manage that gap is dependent on the extent you want to experience those fantasies in your life.

They also advised me that I would have to find my own path in my own time and find a way to embrace my sexuality in a way that’s right for me. It didn't seem like it at the time, but the helpline advisor was right and, while I have not quite found my own path yet, I am slowly getting there.

Defining your sexuality is a deeply personal process and, for that reason alone, it would be counterproductive and irresponsible of me to suggest whether you’re bisexual, gay or straight (others may feel differently about this, which is perfectly fine, but I personally do not feel qualified enough to make such a suggestion). I also want to stress that my personal experience does not automatically mean that you are bisexual or gay.

Labels can be helpful, and some people regard sexuality as an important part of their lives, but this is not always the case for everyone. We live in a world that assumes and encourages a narrow definition of sexuality, so you may find it easier if you gave yourself permission to be unsure of your sexuality, and let your feelings and thoughts come and go (this really helped when I was desperate for any random online user to tell me whether I was asexual or gay - I'll never forget the desperation of wanting the confusion to stop). And please remember that there is absolutely no pressure or rush to decide exactly who you are.

Your post indicates that you are experiencing considerable distress and could be suffering from a mental health disorder, so I’d urge you to see your GP as soon as possible.

With the assistance of a general practice mental health worker, your GP can provide e-health (i.e. online counselling) and general treatment or, if any mental health disorder is sufficiently complex, they may refer you to a primary mental healthcare provider or directly to secondary care. Your GP, for instance, may refer you to PsyQ’s Zwolle office, who provide basic mental health care for mild and moderate anxiety disorders (this includes a maximum of 12 interviews with a nursing specialist, psychologist or psychotherapist, and is covered by basic insurance).

Your government also offers you the opportunity to receive online mental health support anonymously via their e-health service, and you always have the option of seeing a welfare worker at your GP's office, your local health centre, your local community centre or your place of work.

Roze Hulpverlening’s website, meanwhile, has details of three LGBT therapists in the Zwolle area. (A typical LGBT therapy session that may be partially covered by basic insurance costs between €80 and €115, while a typical LGBT therapy session that isn't covered by basic insurance costs between €50 and €90.)

And, if you want to ask a native Dutch speaker for any confidential advice about your mental health or sexuality, here are some details of organisations that you may find useful.

Sense, a Dutch health service that focuses specifically on relationships and sex, operate a helpline which can be reached via email, phone and web chat (they usually respond to emails within two working days). And, if you’re under the age of 25, they offer free consultations with a counsellor or health professional at the GGD IJsselland building in Zwolle. You can also contact MIND Korrelatie (a Dutch mental health helpline) and Switchboard (a Dutch helpline for the LGBT community) via email, phone and web chat.

I wish you all the very best, and I hope that this helps you go forward in a way that feels right for you.

 

I agree with this actually. But only if you are in a safe place. It’s very important to never compromise your safety for a dangerous hookup. But if you’re with someone you safe with, a little experimentation might help.

 

you might be bi AND have an anxiety disorder. those 2 things aren't mutually exclusive.

 

This is very true. I definitely am both of those things. It's actually common for any person who is queer to also have mental health issues. It usually is linked to all the stress of an unforgiving society.

 

1. It looks like the issue of labeling yourself creates a lot of stress and anxiety for you. Keep reminding yourself that a label is not mandatory. There are plenty of people who don’t fit in neatly into a label - and that’s fine. One example is a guy I know who dates women exclusively, sleeps with women, but also sleeps with men every few months or so. Maybe you don’t fit into any of the neat definitions, either - and that’s FINE.

2. Remind yourself that not having an answer right here and now is also OK. This is a marathon, not a sprint - figuring yourself out takes time. Take a deep breath and allow yourself all the time you need. You deserve it.

3. Keep in mind that human sexuality exists on a continuum, with totally straight on one end and totally gay on the other - MANY, many people fall somewhere in the middle.

It will take time. Don’t beat yourself over it. Not knowing is okay. Take care of yourself.

 

Rin311 is right, Crepy. His words are wise!

What I want to add is that understanding your sexuality is a work in progress that should be taken each day at a time. There will be periods where you think that you’re straight, there will be other periods where you think that you’re bisexual, there will be other periods where you think that you’re gay and there will be other periods where you don't want to label your sexuality. This is perfectly normal and, like Rin311 mentioned, some people don't find labels helpful or useful.

There is no pressure or rush: it's absolutely fine to give yourself permission to be unsure of your sexuality, and you don't need to consider placing a temporary or permanent label on your feelings and thoughts until you are completely ready. After all, the psychologist and sexologist John Money once said that there are as many sexual orientations as there are people to experience them.

Some people find that their sexuality is a significant part of their lives, but others feel that it isn't and this may be the case for you. People will relate to multiple different cultures, and what they identify with has the potential to change with time and experience. Comparing ourselves to other people, or trying to define what normal is, can also be unhelpful.

It can be difficult to make peace with ourselves when we grow up in a world where we are assumed and encouraged to fit a narrow definition of heterosexuality. But we can also make peace with an answer when we let our feelings and thoughts come and go as they please, rather than trying to actively analyse or repress them. Sexuality is a natural part of what makes us human and shouldn't become a cause for negative feelings that undermine our self-worth.

How you decide to define yourself is deeply personal and how you fit on the sexuality spectrum is for you to decide. It may seem important, but it doesn't have to be. As I mentioned earlier, you have to find your own path in your own time and find a way to embrace your sexuality in a way that's right for you.

On a side note, you may also find interacting with men and women in social settings, or where there is an organised activity, helpful in terms of exploring your feelings around romantic and sexual ideas. But, in the meantime, I'd urge you to work towards being more comfortable with yourself as a person.

Please look after yourself, Crepy, and remember that reaching out and opening up to people (even on this forum!) takes a lot of courage.

 

A helpline should be your first port of call if you need any initial advice or information about something (whether it’s concerning your mental health, sexual health, sexuality or any other potentially sensitive issue), but you still need to follow this up with a visit to your GP’s office. Helpline advisors are usually trained volunteers, so a mental health helpline should be regarded as an auxiliary or supplementary service and not a substitute for professional medical advice or a professional diagnosis.

Chip is right in recommending therapy and suggesting the possibility of having OCD: you not only describe thoughts relating to your sexuality as "obsessive", but you mention that your obsessive thoughts concerning other matters can last up to 12 months. But there is also a likelihood that the helpline (or, even more likely, this forum) has overlooked something (on the basis that you have been given advice and information on the internet/telephone), so you need to make sure that you have covered all bases by seeing your GP.

I know that GPs in the Netherlands are notorious for sending patients home and telling them to rest, but your GP may need to contact a crisis intervention team if you are considered to be suffering from acute mental health problems. You also need to keep persisting, or try another GP at your GP’s office, if your first consultation is unsatisfactory. And, if you decide to see a therapist privately, you should still consult your GP beforehand for a professional opinion (in the same way you would consult your GP for a professional opinion before starting, for instance, a weight loss plan).

Exercise, positive thinking (what me and others were essentially advising), a healthy diet, opening up to people (even anonymously on the internet/telephone) and abstaining from alcohol/tobacco can help to manage your mental health, but there is no effective substitute for medication and/or some form of talking therapy. It’s imperative that you consider your options as thoroughly as possible, though, and don’t make any knee-jerk decisions.