I want to come out to my husband...now to actually do it

It’s not easy, but if you are ready, it’s time to get it over with. Do you know what you want to happen with your marriage. Are you wanting to stay married? I had agonized over how to tell my husband for weeks and I ended up a blubbering mess when he initiated sex and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I told him I didn’t like sex. I started therapy and then told him I was attracted to women. Then later I told him there was a particular woman I was interested in. I’m not going to sugar coat it. It was awful. The worst conversations I’ve ever had, but I needed to move forward and be me. I hope everything goes as well as it possibly can.

 

From my experience, you just need to be as honest as possible without playing it safe to keep from hurting him. Don't give him a wrong impression that things are better than they are. Make sure he hears this fully without any buts..

I would also be frank with him that it has nothing to do with him as a husband. Make sure he understands there is nothing he could have done to prevent this. It is not his doing or his fault. Keep it simple and short and allow time for him to process it all then come back to it at the therapy session.

 

Hi @Elle993 ,

Is there a reason you don’t want to do it at your appointment? I wonder if you’re expecting a bad response whether your therapist could help him move away from his initial reaction more effectively than if he gets to stew in it overnight.

Just a thought.

Good luck however you manage it. :}

 

Fair enough. It’s probably six of one and half a dozen of the other. Don’t forget about your own needs in this process. :]

 

Do you have to tell him right now? Could you ask your therapist how to approach it and then bring him to the following visit?

 

Could you e-mail or call the couples therapist ahead to see how they’d like you to do it? Just explain the situation? Or is that a no-no?

 

I wrote a letter, mostly to clarify how I felt about my wife, our marriage and my life. I gave her the letter but asked her not to read it for several days while I had a conversation with her. I chronicled my coming out story here a couple years ago. I'm not sure how to search for that but I'll recap it here.

I took my wife for a weekend camping trip. We went for a bike ride and then found a beautiful camping spot far out in the desert. I cooked steaks and opened up a bottle of wine. Then we watched a full moon rise over the desert. I then told her that I had always loved her will always love her and hoped that she could still love me knowing this.

Your story will be different if you are not feeling you can stay in your marriage. I was desperate to stay in mine.

I wanted to be able to answer her questions; but I also needed to give her a letter in case she freaked out. I needed to have all my thoughts out there for her to have. She carries the letter with her still after two years.

 

This is my reason for staying and the fact it is nice to have someone care about you. I know that part is wrong because it is more of a safety net instead of me living authentically.

This is what I did and Yes it only prolonged the pain and has kept me in a wishy washy state back and forth never taking the leap.

There will always be a reason not to tell him, just as there will always be a reason not to hurt him, not to leave him... Don't get stuck in this mentality. Tell him at the counselor that way you have strength to talk and accountability to come out.

 

Let us know how it goes. Thinking of you!

 

@Elle993 nothing wrong with that. It's amazing how hard it is to get the words out (but in my experience, such a relief after you've said it!). I hope you find the right moment and that it goes well. Thanks for updating us!

 

r

I failed several times at initiating my talk with my wife. I finally set a date and time (the full moon) and had to do it then.

If it isn't the right time, you don't have to do it.

 

Hobestly.. I was a lot like you. I came out to my husband at the time almost 3 years ago. It was not easy. We were married for 19 years and together for 24. I tried to navigate just the right time... I tried to soften, filter, find loop holes. I can say...there will never be a perfect time to do this.... There will always be something that feels more important..but your self identity is imporyant. It's going to hurt.... A lot... It will pass.... Eventually. Be you... I realized I wasn't doing him any favors, continuing a lie. Good luck, I'm glad you have this place. I wish I had found it 3 years ago!

 

Hi Elle,
I too am in a similar situation. I am 25 and have been married since 2015 and have always known that I was gay. About a year ago, I come out to her as bi which I knew was a lie to begin with. I started having an emotional affair with my best friend and that was terrible for her I’m sure. Currently we are still married and she knows the majority of what I feel but honestly I really want someone to talk to that understands where I am coming from. You know the conversation is very hard but after you get to being roommates that share a bank account it gets more difficult each and every day because if you’re anything like me I always wonder what would it have been like it if came out when I first knew “for sure” and where would I be like.
Please write soon!
Nick

 

Hi Nick,

I often wonder what it would have been like if I had lived my truth years ago...but the reality is...we are right where we are supposed to be, and can only be in the moment. I hope you continue to move toward your truth. It's a hard process! You're not alone!