For those who are married (but don't want to be now that they have realized their sexuality), especially with young children, how do you think your strained relationship is affecting your children? Have any of them expressed any sort of anxiety, or concern, or other behavior that you think is linked to your situation?
Before I realized my sexuality my relationships with my husband was sometimes strained. We would argue, not apologize and ignore each other for days. We also rarely showed affection, not because we didn't want to but because growing up I didn't see that as normal between my parents. Our eldest daughter is 14 said she never wants a relationship like ours. That was enough to make rethink things and make some changes.
In my situation, we have kept things amicable between us and we discuss our issues in private. I think it may be a little different because my daughter is a teen, plus all her friends come from divorced families. If the children grow up in an safe, happy environment, I don't think separation or divorce is as traumatic nowadays. There's isn't a stigma about coming from a divorced home or parents going through a divorce anymore. So as long as the child's interest is kept forefront, and adult discussion private, I see no reason why a child would not adjust. Of course every situation is different, but that is my goal.
It all depends on the attitude of the parents as @weary mentioned earlier. In my case, there was always on-going conflicts between me and my wife. I never revealed that I'm gay to her nor to anyone in my family yet. But when time came for divorce, because of other reasons than being gay myself, she alienated the kids and created drama at home that definitely affected them both, although one was 23 and getting married and the other was 18 and getting his first year in college. Them growing up in an unhealthy, always conflict environment, wasn't ideal, but I kept the marriage together until they are older and mature enough to deal with it. Still it wasn't easy. But, I could only imagine that if the relationship between the parents is amicable and cooperative for the sake of the kids' well being, it would have been much easier for everyone. Unfortunately it wasn't my case. But everyone is definitely different.
I want to separate and my husband doesn't. I currently don't have the confidence to push for it, but I think the resentment of feeling trapped bubbles up, affecting my behavior and attitude. My husband also gets depressed and sulky. I want to be confident and "free." I also don't want to mess up my kids. I feel our situation can't be sustainable.
Good question... for my husband and me, we are good friends and get along really well, and we have fun with our kids. We rarely fight in front of them (which is actually not healthy, since kids need to see conflict and see it resolved in a healthy way). But at times the stress of it all gets to us both, and we end up being short with each other and with the kids. Occasionally I’ll let a snide comment slip out in front of the kids - stemming from my resentment of my husband - which I regret. I think there’s also the indirect impact, like the fact that I’m not taking good care of myself... I worry about how this will impact the kids in the long term, since it’s affecting my health (and my husband’s too).
First of all no one can force you to stay and not to separate from your husband if you feel that you cannot continue with your marriage. But you have to realize the reality that you got kids and if the "freedom" you seek is to deny parental responsibility for the kids then you might be wrong. Freedom from you husband is one thing but your attachment and relationship with the kids should be of prime importance to you. You don't want them to be affected by the separation as you mentioned earlier. When we get married and have kids we start a new set of commitment that is probably lifelong for many. Your husband's attitude of getting depressed and sulky is his business not yours don't let it project on your feelings, personality, nor behavior. If it reaches abusive levels then you know what to do: protect yourself and your kids first and foremost, and this is a totally different issue. Does your husband know about your sexual orientation? or you're skeptical about opening up to him? If your separation desires are stemming mainly from his behavior or treatment to you and to the kids then its a given. If it is because of your sexual orientation and freedom then it would need a bit of slowing down and making sure that everyone impacted is included in the process. Again, building a family is much easier than breaking one apart. Did you think about kids' custody? how things would work for them if you separate? how is life going to go on? are you financially independent and capable of living on your own and sharing support for the kids at the same time? There are a lot of questions that you need to come up with answers for or at least have an idea about how you're going to tackle them in the future. If it becomes too confusing then start writing them down, sometimes it helps better to organize your thoughts. All the best.
No one can force me to stay or separate, but any move I make will have an impact on my kids.The "freedom" I seek is from this marriage and nothing more. The best thing for the kids would be active involvement and even split of custody between both parents. I'll take on as much responsibility for the kids as is necessary, but will not deny my husband a maximum of 50% custody. I just wish the week had an even number of days in it... To wish for them to not be affected by the separation would be naive. It WILL affect them. The goal would be to minimize the effect and to provide sufficient support to eventually bounce back from it. His reaction may be his business, but I need to figure out a balance between not taking responsibility for his reaction, and taking responsibility for my part of setting the tone of things because with our kids, we will always have some form of a relationship. For the sake of the kids as well as my own sanity, cooperation and respect will make for a much healthier situation. Yes, my sexual orientation has never been a secret. He knew from the start that I wasn't straight and suspected that I was a lesbian, before I fully accepted it. His behavior was certainly a factor in the breakdown of our marriage initially, but at this point, he has taken serious action to improve things. It sort of irks me that it took til breakdown for him to try to improve, but if I was really in a position to re-embrace the marriage, things would be fixable at this point. I feel it comes down to sexual orientation. As for the details question, believe me, I have thought over a ridiculous number of possibilities. A lot hinges on my husband though. How will he react if I push past his comfort zone? Will he be able to bounce back? Will he be able to figure out how to become independent? Will he be able to seek help? Will he realize and understand the full reality of where things are with us?
I'm a guy, I have three children with my ex wife. I left home in early November, three months ago. Supriseinly my children are doing very well. I see them 3 or 4 times a week. A full day at the weekend. Mum and I are not getting on well but that's partly due to the waster of a BF she moved in! Anyway I've actually built a stronger bond with them. I take them out and we have fun.
Even if a child grow up in a happy family, that does not mean the child will become a good/kind hearted person.They may turn out to be evil.
Before my marriage ended, my younger kids saw the stress of fighting, (verbal mostly arguing about money or feelings) Sometimes they would act out. They would make comments about either one of us not being happy anymore. Now that we are divorced the kids partake of two happy healthy homes. This was just my experience.
