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Is Coming Out No Longer as Big of a Deal? (Feeling Stupid)

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Starwind78, Jan 27, 2019.

  1. Starwind78

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    I came back here to this site after trying Reddit, my usual go-to app. Every subreddit I went to there just seems so blasé about coming out. The responses I got and saw o other posts sounded like, “Leave the closet or stay in the closet. Nobody cares and neither should you.” Leaving the closet was chalked up to a “personal choice”, but the stakes were made to seem so low that no one in their right mind would have anxiety over the issue.

    In contrast, the process has been agonizing for me. I’ve been in a celibate closet for 7 years! I’m 25. Is coming out just seen as easy by Gen Y or something?

    I’m American, so I can’t speak for how it is elsewhere, but what I saw on Reddit jives with the coming out stories I see elsewhere. Kinda feeling like an idiot for procrastinating on this so long.
     
  2. Totesgaybrah

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    Gen z is super casual about it and so are a lot of millennials. From my perspective coming out means a lot more to us than it does to anyone else.
    We tend to put ourselves through a lot of unnecessary grief. I definitely did.

    The only time people seem to have a problem with it is when someone is very very religious.

    I struggled with being in the closet for over a decade and it was all pretty much for nothing. I could and should have come out at a much younger age. Nobody really cared all that much when I came out.

    Only thing I regret about it is not doing it sooner. I was 26 when I started coming out so you’re still younger than I was.
    Go for it!
     
  3. Starwind78

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    My family is religious. They will definitely care. The rest of the people in my life who don’t know for sure may just laugh. It was kind of an open secret (at least to everybody but me) when I was in school, though that meant I was bullied for it by everybody, gay and straight, because I was religious then too.
     
    #3 Starwind78, Jan 27, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2019
  4. Totesgaybrah

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    You’re a few years younger than me but things have changed a lot since I was in high school. Back then people were way more homophobic, and open about it.

    My cousin who is in high school currently, has come out as bisexual to all positive reactions. He hasn’t had anything negative happen as far as I know.
    Most 25 yo people won’t laugh at someone for coming out. If they do, then honestly who cares what they think? They’re not worth even a passing thought.

    Do you know for a fact that your family will have a problem with your sexuality?
    Not all religious people are homophobic.

    When I came out I really didn’t know how my parents would react. They aren’t very religious but my dad used to be openly homophobic back when I was growing up.

    I was at the point where I was going to come out no matter what. Thankfully they both love and accept me, but I was as ready as I could be to lose them.

    It’s up to you whether or not you come out but if being closeted is negatively affecting you (it sounds like it is) then I think coming out would be the best thing to do.
     
  5. Chierro

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    It depends on where you're from in addition to more open generational acceptance, and things can be hit or miss.

    For example, I started coming out in 7th grade (so, 2010?) to friends and only had positive reactions, and I'm from a semi-rural area. My cousin who is in 8th grade now, same school district, is currently being harassed by boys at his school for possibly being LGBT.

    It's still a big deal for some, but not everyone.

    If you grow up in Chicago, NYC, LA, etc. from an open, accepting family, you're not going to have many issues coming out. Some, sure, but probably not as much as in the past. If you grow up in a small, rural town in the Bible Belt? Then, yeah, it's not going to be as easy for you.

    However, I will say the resounding reaction to my coming out is that simply no one really cares. As long as you're a good person, they don't really care who you're into. I was told that quite literally from a guy I used to mess around with when I was trying to tell him about my struggle with coming out.

    I mean, I'm made somewhat big deals about coming out in certain places but others it's just, "Oh yeah, I'm gay" and the response is, "Cool, why the sudden change in topic?"
     
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  6. OGS

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    I have to admit I sometimes think this. I came out a little over 25 years ago in Utah to a devoutly religious family and have been completely out ever since. Many (in Utah most) of the people I came out to had never actually encountered an out gay person before. I haven't encountered much in the way of out and out homophobia (like the old days) in at least ten years. So, while I know everyone's journey is individual and everyone's life seems more fraught from the inside, I do sometimes think: really? this is still a thing?
     
  7. Silveroot

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    There's no wrong answer to this, as there is no right one either. It depends on one's circumstances.

    For example, I grew up in a strongly homophobic country. In my family, homophobic slurs were common. In school, a day didn't pass were a slur of such kind wasn't heard, or that a boy didn't have to assert his masculinity in some obvious way or else he'd be laughed at or in danger of harassment. Gay women were more or less ignored and invisible. When the world lesbian was brought up it was either in a disparaging tone, or in an over-sexualized context. Nothing else. I never heard in my early years anything positive about gay women.

    So, for me this is still an issue and I feel like the odd one out when browsing the internet, only to find posts like those you mentioned. Sometimes this makes it hard to log in on the site as well, it can feel alienating.
     
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  8. HM03

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    Bull. Fucking. Shit (imho)

    Has society's (especially Canada/US/UK) perception of LGBT changed for the better in the last 50 years? Absolutely.
    As a sweeping generalization, are today's kids and young adults more accepting than the elderly? Absolutely.

    But until the day nobody is scared to come out and nobody is hesitant and has to "analyze how safe it is" to come out, then yeah, its a big deal. Those that have anti-climatic coming outs and are more fortunate may be forgetting that their luck can't be universally applied to other people's situations.

    Sure, my coming out has gone well so far, but I'd be lying to say if even after all this time being 99% out that I still don't eavesdrop on my coworkers gay jokes/gay subjects to gauge how safe it is or that I'm still don't feel confident enough to tell my extremely religious side of the family.
     
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  9. Starwind78

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    Yeah, I absolutely do know they are homophobic. Like politics (theirs are, unsurprisingly, right wing), religion is openly discussed in my household. Hellfire and damnation is not the speech I will get, but it won’t be a bed of roses either. I’m not talking about Cafeteria Christianity. I’m talking about Southern Baptists from TN. That said, they glumly tolerated my atheism without much fanfare. I got a lot of passive aggressive comments about my atheism and still do, but I wasn’t disowned, no.
     
  10. Starwind78

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    I grew up in FL, but I had a similar experience insofar as being gay was always put in negative terms. My family is from Appalachia and when I say they are religious, I mean religious conservatives. They didn’t have anything positive to say about LGBT for sure, but neither did my more moderate and liberal classmates in school. Funny enough, I got double the harassment because I myself was a religious conservative in denial. Conservative, bigoted people would bully me about being gay and the libs would laugh at me for my lack of self awareness.
     
  11. Silveroot

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    My family is religious, not hyper conservative, but I'm surrounded by people who are conservative, so I can't really come out with ease.

    I wasn't bullied for being gay, since I was deeply in denial and dated some men just for people to stop annoying me for not dating. Thing is, even now I know I'm gay, I am constantly hit on by men, and women rarely give me that kind of attention. Being in the closet can suck, but each one of us has to come out at their own time, forcing it could create more trouble. At least that's how I understand it.
     
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  12. Nickw

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    I think this is, definitely, a regional issue. I have three gay siblings. Two live in the area where I grew up. A rural state in the Midwest. They do not feel they can be completely out due to prejudice in their work and businesses.

    My other brother lives in Chicago and it is a total non-issue. We've discussed this. He wouldn't move back home for this reason.

    I live in a small cow town (Trump land) in a mountain state. No one cares that much here about gay. But, I'm afraid to be out as a married bisexual. That's a bit too much for this demographic right now.

    I think you should come out when you are comfortable and ready for it and not under someone else's schedule.
     
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  13. Rin311

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    It depends on your own circumstances, for sure. My coming out was definitely not uneventful. I got disowned and ended up going through a lot of shit as a result. I would feel seriously crappy reading comments like what you read... some people forget just how privileged they are.
    You know your family best. You are the only one who can decide for yourself if, when and how to come out. I hope it all goes well for you. Good luck.
     
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  14. Dionysios

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    Curiously my counselor discussed this topic with me last night. We were talking about my separation, divorce and officially coming out in the spring It was his observation that most people these days are much more comfortable with people coming out. It was still a bit of a shock perhaps 10 years ago but not now. People are accustomed to these revelations and everyone seems to know people who are gay.

    My counselor explained that people will judge me, not so much that I came out, but rather on how I separate and divorce. If I am seen to be harsh or unfeeling toward my wife after all these years of marriage, then that would arouse the anger and resentment of friends, family and co-workers against me.

    I so appreciated this new perspective. It will be interesting to see how all this plays out in a couple of months.