Dating Apps - A Change Needed?

I think that may be a great idea because you sometimes never know what your getting when your talking to someone however I noticed from my experience dating apps are becoming unpopular and mostly used for causal hookups which is sad to see. What is sadder the ones who want casual hookups are more willing to get into contact with you than those looking for relationships. Go Figure.

 

To be honest I think the problem is with gay guys not the apps. There actually are apps designed for different purposes. Except gay guys have chosen to turn them all into strictly hookups by only using them for that.

The women on the apps and the more lesbian versions of them seem to have far greater success in finding actual friends and actual dates instead of just hookups. Many girls find friends using the friend finder section of that.

 

It's really hit or miss with guys and your area. I mean, I've managed to actually make friends (not many) with guys on hookup apps but yeah, most guys are just looking for hookups, so I think the guys are a big issue. A lot of guys are just shallow and only looking for sex. Your area is too. If there aren't many gay or bi guys, you might find more people wanting to hookup, but it's also like everyone knows everyone. I know where I'm from, when a new guy shows up on one specific app, guys just start swooping to try and get their shot with him.

There ARE decent guys on the apps that want relationships or friendships, they're just frankly hard to come by.

I think another big thing is a lot of guys on the apps, since they're just interested in hookups, don't really care to talk much or get to know you. In my personal opinion, if guys would just be willing to talk more instead of focused on getting their dick sucked right that second, it'd help to make apps more welcoming places instead of...gross.

 

I haven't found that to be true, but I've only been using them since October. My experience similar to op statement where most that respond only want hookup or to chat online only and never meet in real life. I have yet to meet anyone from an app because I am not looking for a hookup, and I have tried many.

 

I agree with Weary, all my experiences as a girl haven't been successful either. I'd love to find friends at least but most are hookups or even fake. It's sad and annoying.

 

Same thing here. Since it's a college town new freshmen show up every semester, and suddenly there's like 50 new 18 year old's on the app overnight. The first few weeks of every semester is like a feeding frenzy of all the current guys fighting each other over the new ones. It actually ends up scaring most of them off the app entirely. They're already scared being in their first week of college and living alone for the first time in a new place, the last thing they want is 200 strangers aggressively trying to come to their dorm to bang them.

Interesting, the girls I've talked to made it seem like it was so much easier. I guess it's either an area dependent thing or they were just exaggerating. Thanks for the information.

 

Conversations about apps fascinate me because in a lot of ways its mostly people who are not willing to create offline queer spaces who complain that "someone" "somewhere" should be doing more for gay people.

If all of you guys here would simply create offline spaces for gay people in your community then you will see some progress. Host an lgbt reading club, create a sports related meet up, simply have people over for brunch.

Do I wish people used apps better? Hell yes. Do I wish people knew how to have better sex with each other? Yes!

But do I blame them? No. We have people who are walking around with trauma who don't have the resources to heal it. They came out but no one taught them how to find each other or how to deal with the shit that comes with years of being in the closet.

I will not shit on people trying to survive and navigate this world. This whole "Those guys on apps" discourse is pretty dehumanizing.

So the main job of these sites aren't there to give you significant connections to people. They are there to make money. The more users they have the more money they get for ad revenue. These apps are so good for ad revenue.

The only thing these apps help create is getting a lot of gay guys in one single platform at the same time. Recently the main app is trying to rebrand itself, but it will be a slow process that is still all about keeping their money.

We cannot rely on these apps for lgbt spaces. They are amazing and in many ways have given us tools that we can use, but we can't rely on these companies to take care of our spaces.

Other reason is that a lot of apps get crap on because people are there for hook ups instead of relationships and some people hate that for some reason.

If people decide to use the app for a hook up why is that sad? Would you rather us go back to a time where porn video stores and back allies where the norm? Where the only place to find a hook up was a public bathroom or a cruising spot in your area? We have come soooo far. Now people are able to hook up while avoiding many dangerous situations.

Its simply sad because you think that people who are promiscuous are less than you for some reason.

This is also a crazy claim.

One to say that only shallow people want hook ups and two that you can box someone so easily for simply being on an app one night for a hook up.

Lets say a person who is craving touch with another guy gets fed up and just simply wants a hook up. Is it shallow when you have no other way to achieve that? What would you rather them do?

We cannot ask people to avoid using the only gateway to other gay guys without first creating queer spaces where people can safely get together.

 

Gay men are too impatient for friendships. They have their girlfriends for conversation, they don't want to meet guys to talk to
(in my opinion, faghags are a blight on the gay community far worse than any of the apps, but I'll save that for another discussion)

That's why gay men only log into the apps when they are horny. They don't want to discuss "feelings" or find out new things about a gay guy when they're at home alone nursing a boner. Taking time to get to know a guy requires effort. And no small amount of patience. If you aren't trying to suck on a guy's cock within 2 minutes of meeting him, he won't think maybe you are being classy, he will just assume you don't find him attractive, and he will be wondering who he should try it on next - maybe the next chap will be more horny and less chatty?

It's not really the apps fault, the apps aren't forcing gay guys to behave this way.

 

I totally agree with this and hadn't thought of it in the manner you state as - I can do something about it. I always have thought in terms of where are the people doing something about it.

I don't think this, but I do think apps should be designed more like the bee app where you have different areas for different reasons. That way everyone is on the same page and you're not expected one type relationship and run into so many that are expected a hookup.

 

Yep, I'll admit it, could have phrased my thoughts much better than I did.

A lot of guys in my area who are in their early 20s, in my opinion, tend to be very shallow. For example, if they hit you up and you start talking and they want to hookup but you're in the mood to just talk, I've come across many guys who will just...block.

I really don't have anything against people using apps for just hookups, that's what I've mainly used the one for since freshman year. The guys that I find shallow are the ones who block others because they can't get it right that second. A decent guy will say cool, not block, maybe talk later. A shallow guy will just...block. I don't even mind if a guy says, "Hey, that's cool, maybe we can talk later, but right now I'm just looking for [xxx]." It's literally the blocking that gets me.

Wow this is just...super wrong? You're literally generalizing all gay guys. Yes, there are some who are impatient, but not all. And super stereotypical to claim that "[gay guys] have their girlfriends for conversation." I have female friends but they're not who I go to talk to about stuff. I tend to go to my straight guy friends.

And I actually know plenty of people, myself included, who use apps when they're not horny and just seeing what's around.

Just...wow.

This is actually something I see a lot said by older gays (literally took an entire class that was sort of framed around this) who have an idealistic view of things that just aren't. They want LGBT friends and want all LGBT people to be friends and think the same way, my one professor is like this.

Those of us who live in more rural areas...LGBT groups simply just aren't often a thing. And the few gay/bi guys there are in the area often are either not super out, have widely varying interests (so, extra hard to create some sort of common interest group), or just don't have any extreme interest in having LGBT friends. I know that at my school, a lot of the super out guys are just not people I have any desire to be friends with, just completely different personalities.

I mean, I know personally, I went to the LGBT org on campus for a meeting once and I had no desire to go back. The few guys there were just people I had no interest in making friends with. And actually building off of that, my campus has a LOT of closeted guys so those groups and orgs do absolutely no good because if they're closeted, they're not going to want to go and join some group that could potentially out them.

I think most people would like to not have to use apps. To meet guys in organic, real life situations. Hell, I want that. But, where you're living has a huge impact on that. Guys my age, especially when its summer, are few and far between on apps local to me, requiring decent drives just to hang out at a minimum.

 

Yes I am generalizing. I couldn't be bothered to be polite and write "many gay guys do this" or "majority of gay guys do that" so I generalized (it's a bit more than some, otherwise I wouldn't have made a sweeping generalization).

You said yourself that you go to your straight guy friends to talk to about stuff. Why not other gay guys?

And using the apps to "just see whats around". What's around? Lots of gay guys who just want to screw, not have deep meaningful conversations.

 

Making claims based off of your own experiences don't make them true for everyone. Not all gay guys are impatient, that's a character quality that can be applied to anyone regardless of orientation. And gay guys having their girlfriends is such a stereotype. It doesn't apply to everyone.

You mean why do I go to my friends to talk about stuff? My friends being mostly straight has literally zero effect on why I talk to them. I have a few gay friends, but I'm not terribly close to them, just sort of know each other. I don't believe in the whole "you're gay so you need to have gay friends" bullshit. My friends are my friends and I talk to them about stuff, regardless of their orientation.

I actually know a lot of people that do this. I've made friends off of apps, as flawed as they are. Not everyone, though most, on apps just want to screw. I've across several people, especially newly out guys who are just trying out apps, that are just looking to talk.

 

Calm down. I've said plenty of times on these forums that I find straight men a lot easier to get along with than gay men, and the reason why is because I find my straight friends are a lot more patient with me than the gay guys I tried to be friends with. Straight guys are easier to talk to because they are genuinely interested in what I've got to say. Most gay men I try to have a friendly chat with just want me to shut up and get my cock out. It's been pretty much the same experience on the apps. I'll be typing messages to a guy and get brief replies from him containing only 1 or 2 words, then the moment I make a suggestive or sleazy comment, suddenly the conversation becomes more animated, because I've brought sex into the equation.

 

I used to think very similarly to you. Maybe its one of those things that you have to learn by yourself. Who knows. All I know is that there are many things that are hard to understand while you are dealing with the pain and trauma of learning how to be in the world as a gay man.

There is this things that happens a lot. That we try to say that some people are "super out" and some people are "more in", which divides people.

For example, for all you know the "super out" guys you met at that group ONCE are actually in the closet with their families and college is the only safe place they have to be as fucking queer as they can so they cherish that. Or maybe they are survivors of conversion therapy and being campy as hell is the only way they know how to cope with the world.

I know you think the guys on apps who block someone are shallow, but I would invite you to pay attention to what you are doing in real life. You went to one meeting, didn't truly meet anyone or hear anyone story, and decided that every single person in that room wasn't worth getting to know more. In one hour you decided everyone in the room was worth blocking from your life. Not interesting or cool enough to be your potential friend.

See, the super out guys you dislike will encounter gay people "organically" (so much that can be said about that word). Gay people will gravitate towards them, they will have gay friends and from those friendships beautiful relationships might develop.

Meanwhile you want to be the "gay guy who not many people can tell is gay", but still want another cute gay guy to 1) have the guts to flirt with a guy who might or might not be gay 2) randomly approaches you simply because you are cute and not because after getting to know you they think you two would be a good match.

Those situations happen, but man you are leaving everything up for fate in the hopes that your straight friends will have enough gay friends so that at a party maybe you can run into them.

1) I love the fact that I could be considered an older gay. But legit older gay guys know this is a fact because they lived it. The only way shit gets done is when a bunch of queens get together to make change in their community. You are simply lucky enough to be born in a time that you have other people to do that for you, you have the internet to connect with other gay people, and you feel safe enough to not have to organize.

2) This is how the world works. Straight people make friends out of any tiny thing that bring them together. Seriously, straight people will make meet up groups about owning a certain type of car, being the same religion, or even just living in the same district. Hell, fraternities are people being friends just because...they pledge the same made up group?

Of course you won't get along with every other lgbt person, but you will find those who you will click with. You will also be able to have meaningful connection with gay men who will then hopefully turn into a romantic relationship.

For example, right now I know more than 20 different gay couples who I can learn from and lean on. When my husband and I had trouble in our relationship, we reached out to a couple of them and went out for coffee. We learned how to cope with different things that only another gay couple deals with.

Many of those couples also have kids. If I ever want to have kids, I have people who will be there who can help me pick the right adoption agency, the right doctors that don't discriminate, the right day cares etc. Its also CRUCIAL for kids of LGBT parents to get to know other kids with lgbt parents. It helps them adapt to the rest of the world a bit easier knowing they aren't the only ones dealing with some very specific things.

I'm not saying you HAVE to have LGBT friends. You can be the only gay person in your life and that is okay. But I am saying that you are kidding yourself if you want a partner that you meet organically and also not expand your gay network.

It would be like a straight men wanting a girlfriend but also against having friends who are girls. Now just pretend girls are 10% of the population and you see the trouble here.

See, this right here. Who will built something that you know there is a need for? This is what I'm talking about. Either create a space for this closet men to come together or at least understand the toxic behavior in apps from these guys who feel trapped and don't know how to deal with the trauma. That is honestly all my point is.