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*long breath* advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Isaacsolomon, Jan 23, 2019.

  1. Isaacsolomon

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    Hi guys. So ... I would usually say I was an out person. I started coming out at about 17, and I'm now 30 (where does the time go??). But the thing is ... I'm not completely out, and I kind of don't know what to do about it.

    The story is: There are a certain number of close friends who know, my immediate family. People who don't: my extended family, strangers, acquaintances or people who I just know in work environments. (I'm unemployed but I work here and there). Many people would tell me it's fine not to tell those people. But when someone goes from the 'stranger zone' to the 'safe zone' where my rational mind tells me they'll be fine to tell I still ... freeze. For one thing, I don't really know what words to use. But I also don't really have that many gay friends in my life, though I have a few (some I don't talk about this with, some have been unhelpful, but that's another story). How did you, or do you, decide when someone is 'safe' to tell?

    Second question I'm interested in knowing is: I know some people make sure to say 'this guy I'm seeing' or 'my ex-boyfriend...' and that's a good idea, but I'm chronically single and have never had a boyfriend. Does anyone have any other suggestions for how to introduce the topic to the conversation, once you have decided that you are going to tell someone?

    Thank you for reading this far. It's something I've wanted to address for a loooooong time but I was too embarrassed. Had to swallow a lot of pride so just acknowledging this here is a big step.
     
  2. Dionysios

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    I commend on your courage to bring up this subject here. Bravo! While I am only partly out to a few people (waiting till spring to tell one and all) I have one suggestion. Instead of feeling the need to "tell" people, why not be more subtle. Consider wearing a LGBT tie, pin or emblem. It won't take long for others (extended family, co-workers or passer by folks) to draw a conclusion about your orientation. If someone asks you if you are gay, you can just smile and nod. You could add with a wink that you are looking for a boyfriend - do they know anyone who is available? Keep it lighthearted. You are young my friend. Once others realize you are gay, you might draw the interest of a guy. It's hard to attract guys if they don't know that you are available. Good luck! *smile*
     
  3. finisterre

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    Hi, Isaac!

    Firstly, well done on getting this far. Coming out to your immediate family and close friends is a big achievement, and you should be really proud of the progress that you've made so far.

    I'm afraid that I'm in the closet, so I'm sorry if my advice isn't very good! If I was in your position, it would definitely feel safe to inform a discreet and trustworthy person that I'm gay. If your gut feeling is positive, and you think that they would handle the situation in a sensitive manner, then you should go for it.

    I would maybe wait a bit longer before telling those who are, say, a bit too fond of light-hearted but ultimately harmless banter, as well as those who have a well-intentioned but ultimately loose grasp of homosexuality (such as the type of people who say: "Why is someone coming out still newsworthy?"). Those people would probably be really supportive, and I wouldn't deny it when asked if I was in your position, but I'd probably end up waiting until I knew them a bit better before making the first move. But that's just me being overly cautious, and you're clearly a much braver person than I am.

    Also, instead of just saying "I'm gay" to them, perhaps you could say "How would you feel if someone came out to you as gay?" or even casually throw in a "well, I prefer guys to girls" type comment whenever a relevant topic crops up? Ultimately, if you feel comfortable around a certain person and are sure that they can hold a serious conversation, I'm sure that exchanges about dating and relationships will happen organically. Perhaps you could probe them about their relationships beforehand or even ask them for advice? Good luck, Isaac, and I hope that this has helped (and I'm sorry if it hasn't)!
     
  4. OGS

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    If you really want to be fully out, and it sounds like you do, I think you really have to stop dividing up "the stranger zone" and "the safe zone." I don't run around telling people I'm gay but I'm upfront about it and I genuinely don't care who knows and who doesn't. And I project that--it's not a secret, it's not gossip it's just who I am and the assumption is that everyone knows or shortly will. And so they do, it just gets around.
     
  5. Isaacsolomon

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    Thank you everyone for your messages! I appreciate the time it took. It's nice to be reminded that the Internet can be a force for good, so thank you <3

    You know, I immediately wanted to reply to this with 'but I have dated!' and it's true, just nothing 'serious' ... but, thinking aout it, I do wonder if I talk myself down and 'make myself smaller' and that that may affect my relationships (of all kinds) as well. Food for thought.

    Oh, it did! And thanks for calling me brave. I don't always feel it, but remember bravery is something you can practice and learn :wink:
     
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  6. Isaacsolomon

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    Interesting. Do you remember doing this yourself? And how exactly you stopped doing it?

    I mean, if you don't care about people's reactions that's great, and I wanna work to get there. Won't happen overnight though. I certainly tell the truth if people ask, but that obviously isn't the same as volunteering information. I imagine this comes with greater confidence.

    I think it's also not just the initial 'revelation' that trips me up, it's also talking about myself. Unconsciously still feels to me like a subject people won't want to hear about. I'd love to say, I'm over that now, but, you know ....

    Good to talk :grin:
     
  7. OGS

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    I have to say for me there really wasn't a safe zone ever. When I came out (over 25 years ago at this point) I just decided this was who I was and I was worth sharing. I told my parents (because I didn't want them hearing from someone else), made it clear it wasn't a secret and off I went. I just kind of never looked back. Keeping something a secret or kind of trying to control who knows gives a thing such power over you. I just wasn't willing to do that. Back when I came out, for most people who found out I was literally the first out person they had ever met. Still, I took it in stride and almost to a person so did they...
     
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