Loving men vs. loving women

I totally hear where you're coming from here about not knowing what's "Normal". I know that I felt completely bored and uninspired to have sex with my husband eventually, even though it was good at first. I know that new romances are more exciting for everyone. I know that it takes work to communicate and keep your sex life exciting for each partner. But how much work is normal??? For me it felt like the mountain was too steep to climb, like I would never really be satisfied unless I experimented with women. And also that the only times I've been physical with women it was way more exciting than anything I've ever done with a man.

 

Interesting thought here. I think looking back now I am certain my so called "attraction"to women was because that is how I perceived a normal hetero male should react and feel. Not to say that I didn't enjoy it at the time but I did because I had nothing to compare it to. Even during those days sex never seemed totally right, I always felt something was missing. There were no fireworks or dying desire to make love endlessly with a woman.Only later after embracing my homosexuality did I realize how much better it felt to be with a man and did those firework feelings start to surface.

 

@LaneyM, @Contented, @Peterpangirl, @weary, I do feel more connected to a woman in the sense that we understand each other more. Not just the physical.[/QUOTE]

Yes I get this. For me emotional/ physical cannot be separated.

 

Totally. I've always felt like something was missing, too. I'm totally expecting (or at least hoping haha) that I'm gonna get that firework feeling when I sleep with a woman

 

I cannot adequately express the sense of contentment, pleasure, sensuality, and general feeling of well being that surface when I am with my BF. Just thinking about him is enough to become aroused. It’s been over 2 years and every day the pleasure of our relationship continues to add so much meaning to my life. I can only wish that others struggling with same sex attraction can find the same. The heady days of excitement at coming out as gay have given way to a wonderful normalization of who I am as a well “adjust” happy man in a wonderfully passionate relationship who happens to be gay among other things that I am!

 

I've wondered about this with a couple of my friends who are in similar situations to me but their wives are uncomfortable with opening the marriage. There is the idea that they prefer men to women but just aren't sure. These guys have, except for this one thing, great relationships with their wives.

So, they might leave their wives to chase the idea that they would be happier with a man based on a fantasy. I fear for these guys a bit. I know this might only be my experience, but I see so many gay folks that have so much trouble finding that special person. I have a half dozen gay middle age friends who are single. My gay sister broke up with her partner and just cannot find another girlfriend and she is a great catch. One of my gay brothers has been on the market since he left his marriage (ten years) and still hasn't connected. I know he is better living his honest life because he couldn't function in a straight marriage. But, still it is a struggle.

So, the big question is "how do we know for sure?" when we consider leaving a marriage. I guess we don't. We just have to follow our hearts and hope for the best. I was lucky that my wife gave me the chance to experience what I needed to understand my sexuality. But, this was a tough thing for her to do considering I might have learned I needed to be with a man.

 

I wanted to respond, also, to the some of the discussion about how same sex relationships are better because we are more understood by our own sex. I'm not sure I agree with this. I think that all relationships require us to communicate our needs to our partners. I know that I did not understand this for much of my married life. But, I've learned it makes all the difference. I don't find men to be better lovers. I do find that I am more apt, now, in a new relationship to ask for what I want. This has caused me to communicate more with my wife. And, even though we are not as active sexually as we had been, the sex is much better.

 

It sounds to me like you are thinking through this maybe a bit more with your head than your heart? I read these lines where it sounds more like you are staying with your husband based, at least substantially, on the fear of the unknown. Which is what I was trying to stimulate. Those fears are real but they are from your head. When you write from your heart, it seems like you know what you need. To be with a woman.

My wife and I discussed this. What if I did this and found I needed a monogamous committed relationship with a man? We discussed how we would proceed and how our relationship would work. This is because, regardless of anything else, there is deep commitment and love that would survive even this. Have you had this sort of conversation with your husband?

 

I guess everyone's experience will be different. I will say that from my experience same sex relationships are just easier. I think with enough communication anyone can have a successful relationship, but I have to say that even with my friends in successful heterosexual relationships their partners/spouses are in almost every instance so different from them and almost all of them will acknowledge that it's a problem--frankly a good bit of comedy is built on that experience.. It's entirely possible that bridging that gap makes it more satisfying in the end; I can't really speak to that. The whole problem of difference was certainly my experience with women, but on the other hand I was sort of only half in those relationships--I knew in my gut I wasn't going to get what I wanted so didn't really even try (on a side note it made me a great boyfriend in a way, simply because it really was all about her needs)--so I'm not sure my experience really counts. I also frankly know very few gay people my age or over who are single (I'm 47); I think it depends what circles you move in.

 

Frankly EC was and is a valuable resource for me. I try to participate in discussions where my experiences might help those still struggling to come to terms. While indeed I have out of closet for awhile I still want to be part of later in life conversation. No expert here or any special insight just my experience. I want EC people to know that it can and does work out for us. I consider EC an extension of my family.

 

Yeah. It doesn't get much harder than this in a marriage. It is such a difficult decision. And, our spouse's lives are affected by it and there is not much they can do about it. That really sucks and is such a difficult thing to ask your spouse. Really, on the face it seems so selfish. But, it isn't really selfish when you get to the bottom of it. We have to ask ourselves if we are really giving our spouses what they need for fulfillment too if we stay?

I'm not the least bit impulsive. It's why it took me so long to come out. So, that's both good and bad.

 

Yup, it doesn't seem to solve anything unless I say I need to leave, which I'm not ready to do. I think it's nice at least to be honest with him. If he knows just how bad the internal struggle is he won't necessarily be shocked if we do split up later on. I've been trying to do a lot of the nonsexual things I feel I've been slacking on lately, making his lunches and planning his birthday and little things like that. We're both busy with our own careers which doesn't help, but I want to make and effort so he knows I still care.

 

I find everything really hard to deal with probably because I'm home with the baby and I dont have much else to think about. When I'm busy my feelings for men come back and the lesbian feelings aren't as strong. They almost feel obsessive, like I need to be with a woman or I'll burst or something.

 

A lot has been written in 2 days - WOW.. I'll read through and maybe add another response but I read this and immedietely wanted to respond.

At my own Bachelorette Party a group of women including my soon-to-be husband's ex-wife took me to a male strip club show. All I wanted to do was have a drink and watch the women. In fact, I got upset when one of the show men came over and picked me up off my stool to dance. Just not my thing at all, but all the straight women were so jealous and excited. I can see that about women, but not men.

 

Gosh, one of those women could have been me. Men are nothing compared to women atm. I went to a female strip club once and it was the most awkward thing ever. I'm not sure if I was repressing (I dont think I was) but I think I'm the type that needs to find a woman mentally attractive first then I could be intimate with her.

 

Not me. A women's strip club is so more erotic and sexual than any male show.