Exit plan

I know what it's like to feel like you are suffocating and can't take it much longer. If there's no abuse, there are ways to improve things so that you don't feel like you have to dash out before you are ready. I am struggling in how to move forward, so I'm no expert, but it is OK to take time if you need it.

 

All of the above for me! I acknowledge that I have a bond with my husband, and I question often whether our issues are just related to the length of time we have been together. If it is only that, I would want to stay and try to make things work. But then I feel I would be emotionally cheating and basically he has said that is what he thinks it would be as well.

He'll make comments about because I have acknowledged my attraction to women that if I go out even just as friends with a woman it wouldn't be right in his mind. But when I call him on what he said and ask so that means you don't want me to have any friends or go out at all then? He responds that is not what he is saying but he can't clarify it either. So I think because I have come out and talked to him about it I am worse off. If I would have kept my mouth shut and just went out and made female friends to get a full understanding of myself first, I would have been better off. Now I don't know if my marriage can withstand me.

 

I might be wrong, but I have read and thought a lot about this stuff over the past couple of years, and I'm pretty sure having attraction and/or feelings ("crushes") on other people (regardless of gender) is pretty normal and to be expected within a marriage. The difference is in how far you let the feelings go, and if lines are crossed. So, that being said, certainly going out with and having women friends is *not* crossing any lines (as you know). I mean, that's the same idea as your husband saying he'd be concerned with you going out with male friends because he wouldn't know if you were going to have feelings for any of them (if you were totally straight), right? It's going to be tough for him if he thinks that having women friends is emotionally cheating.... and tough on you.

But I do think it's a good idea to be talking to your husband about this stuff and hearing how he feels and vice versa. I don't personally think it would have been better to wait to talk about it, because trying to maintain emotional closeness with him is really important. And also, if you're anything like me, even more time and experience probably wouldn't help me understand myself enough, haha.

 

I had a long talk with my husband last night. I was very honest and said sometimes I'm unhappy because I can't be with a woman, but I don't want to break the relationship we have. I told him I've had lots of crushes on women while we were married, but never once with another guy and that I think I'm probably gay. He says it's fine to have passing attraction, as long as I come home to him. He said repeatedly he doesn't understand why it makes me sad: in his mind, either I want to be with him and am content with that, or I want to be with someone else and we separate. Attempts to explain that didn't get too far. He's fine with my current (straight) female friends but was very against me trying to make friends in LGBT groups. I told him I feel like we're at the point where we've been together a few years and our relationship can start to slide if we don't put the work in, and that I wanted to put the work in. Because I want to make this relationship work if it can. So idk (and sorry for rambling), it helped a bit to be honest with him and that he kind of understood.

 

I think you should make lgbt friends and explore your sexuality.

 

Are you going to be okay with this? I think that is where my husband is at but to a more extreme of No women friends because when he said above like your husband did, I told him more often 'straight' women are coming out so what was his point/issue? But really, I can't tell him I wouldn't be attracted to a woman because she is straight.

 

This would have been a non-starter for me. How can any of us be gay if we cannot engage a community? It's so lonely having no one that really gets us and the struggles we have.

I would love to have bisexual friends but they are really hard to find. But, I need my gay friends once in awhile. I'm not gonna sleep with them just because we are attracted to each other any more than I would a woman.

Having the restriction of not being able to be around other same sex gay friends is too much to ask IMO.

 

I don't know. He was never fond of me making male friends either. He always says he trusts me but not everyone else, lol. Maybe having gay/bi friends would just make me bitter for what I can't have anyway.

 

Just ignore him, do what makes you happy.We will support you.

 

Sorry to interject, but I'm not sure maxing out credit cards is the best way to get a fresh start, especially if you're already struggling financially.

 

After sampling a few of the responses here: going back to work to raise funds, staying with family etc., I feel it must be said in support of what you're doing already, as you stated yourself, for at least the next year: you can't leave yet. I would say the same thing if you were a gay husband in the marriage, as I think that a point worth mentioning.
You have too much as it is, today, to think it realistic to yours or your kids' or a potential partner's happiness, the idea of leaving a structured, supportive marriage to pursue what just might be.
Please don't think I'm saying that you're trapped in an unwanted marriage forever, far from it. If you were in an abusive marriage (doesn't sound like it from what you've said), then I would say get the hell out of there and take the kids with you, all else be damned. But if your husband is a good dad, and fair with you and your needs at home today in terms of shared workload, financial support, etc., then the issue is much bigger than your recently discovered orientation, isn't it? Not trying to be a downer here, but really, can you see yourself successfully moving out today, with an infant and perhaps the other kids, into an apartment or smaller house, to take care of all yourself, while tending to the endless needs of the baby and her siblings, who have just seen their world fundamentally change, while making new friends, consolidating old ones, looking after yourself and getting back in the dating game?
Give yourself a framework based on time, with financial benchmarks as your waypoints. So, "I want to live in Smith Apartments or such in neighborhood x by September 2021. They have a great school close by that I can walk the kids to, it's close to the grocery store and library" (for example). "I will save $150 a month until then for this that and the other".
In this way, you see yourself in a real way progressing to a goal that's got a much higher likelihood of showing you happiness, than the disastrous plan you're hinting at in this post.
Please believe I support you in finding your love, and wish you well, but I know a bad plan when I see one.
Funny enough, I've been in your situation. After our second was born, I felt exactly like you describe, suffocated. I'm willing to bet as well, that you feel it stronger than I even did, as the baby is literally attached to you much of the time. My wife is also familiar with post partum depression, and she successfully overcame that, but her mental state did contribute to my feelings, much as I didn't want to admit it: hey, I'm compassionate and supportive, but that all goes out the window in the real world sometimes, doesn't it?
Our family therapist (marriage counseling) indicated to me that the feeling of suffocation was quite common, and she was the one who got me to see things from a realistic perspective, at least for those issues, at that time.
I too look forward to one day leaving my marriage for the better happiness of my wife and I, but sometimes you just have to stick it out, if not explicitly for the kids, then at least for a better chance for yourself.

 

You should think about how to come out to your kids in the future.

 

This seems to be where I am stuck at. Together we financially have a great life. My daughter has two active parents that can afford for her to do extra curricular activities, take vacations, go to Disney every year. If I have him leave, I would possibly be happier but so much would change for my daughter and not necessarily for the better. As a parent with a child still at home, I have to put her needs before my own. The other side of that is yes, I am going to ignore my husband requests to not have any same sex friends. I will become more active in the community and I will start eliminating his codependency on me in that area.

 

You sound like a very caring and loving mother, concerned about the well being of your daughter. I seriously thought about coming out years ago, but my son was quite young. I shelved the idea and stayed married. I am glad that I did. My boy went through a rough patch in high school as he got into drugs. He is in a much better place right now. He has a good job. A couple of years ago he married and he and his wife own a house and are hoping to start a family. Now I am free to come out. I don't regret waiting to end my marriage. My boy was my first priority. We all make sacrifices for our children. You will know when is the right time. Good luck!

 

I feel the same, but for me it is mostly because of my isolation - lack of any one outside the marriage. I somehow allowed myself to become his only and he mine with no other friends. I'm not discounting the fact that I may meet someone and my attitude on leaving the marriage may altogether change. But for right now, It is what it is - a friendship under the guise of marriage slowly evolving and expanding outwards.

 

Do you find that all this stuff has affected your work performance? I have and I wonder how other people deal with that. I have what would be considered a relatively good job, I manage people and it’s fairly visible... so most days I need to be “on” and really on top of things. It’s so hard with all this stuff going on. And I often feel like a fraud since no one at work knows what’s going on...

 

Butterfly, I don't have any answers for you, just empathy. I also experience my gay feelings as another person trying to get out, and it makes me feel crazy. And then sometimes they aren't there and everything seems fine but I know they will be back. That's ultimately why I left my ex-wife, who I loved and still love. I wanted her to have a chance to be happy and not dragged down by my confusion. We didn't have kids so in my case it was relatively easy, from a logistical standpoint, although emotionally it was devastating to leave someone I love to pursue what sometimes appears to be pure fantasy.

This situation sucks and it seems deeply unfair and although I don't believe in God, if I did, I would resent the hell out of him for putting me in such an impossible position.

I wish you all the best in your process and I hope you are able to work things out peacefully. I'm no expert on child rearing but it's my understanding that most kids want their parents to be happy, and maintaining a marriage filled with strain is not in anyone's best interest.