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Yes, boys and girls can be friends. I really wish this wasn't an issue...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Canterpiece, Jan 21, 2019.

  1. Canterpiece

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    *Sigh*

    Alright, so I've had this rant on my mind for some time.

    Firstly, on the odd occasion I've had people on the street come up to me when I'm with a male friend and the assumption is that he's my boyfriend. Understandable, and it wouldn't bother me if it ended there. However, sometimes these people decide to comment or try to strike up a conversation, making remarks such as "Men, so much to handle, am I right?" :confused: Uh, I don't know you, why do you feel the need to try to make this kind of conversation with me? It's awkward for everyone involved.

    Maybe I should just start saying he's my brother so then people will leave me alone for once. Because I know that if I respond with "Oh, we're just friends" chances are they're gonna reply with something among the lines of "Well you can do so much better than that, dear! Give him a chance!" Saying that I'm gay is a little more risky, especially if it's a stranger. But I mean, even if I were straight, I shouldn't have to defend my reasons for not dating someone. I really wish people would stop doing this, it's none of your business how we know each other. Please don't drag me into this conversation.

    Unfortunately, my friend's family bother him to no end about this assumption. Saying things such as "Ooo, who is that you were with? You're just friends? Ah, you should invite her over anyway and change that...get her to be your girlfriend". Uh, no. This isn't your business. If a guy says that he's friends with a girl or vice versa, can we just accept that? Please?

    I definitely couldn't come out to that side of my friend's family...since they are homophobic. To the point where "no homosexuals in the house" is apparently a rule. So he can't just say "Oh she's gay" and "we're just friends" just leads to more questions plus pressure for us to get together. I'm starting to wonder if I should just avoid being seen with him, which is messed up.

    Here's a list of things which people often bring up to convince us to get together (here's a fun tip; if the people you think should be a couple keep telling you that they are friends and do not like each other that way, that does not mean that you should continue to bother them. Since chances are they don't want to be in a relationship, and pestering them about it isn't going to change that!)

    "But you're so close/emotionally similar!"

    Yes, being friends with someone for four years will do that to you. Doesn't mean we owe it to you to start dating one another.

    "Why else would you hang out with him?"

    Friendship.

    "You say that you're gay, but are you really?"

    *Sigh* Yes.

    "Well, if he knows that you're gay, then why is he still sticking around? Surely this means he has a chance"

    No, it means that he's genuinely my friend and not trying to date me. Friendships like these do exist!
     
    #1 Canterpiece, Jan 21, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2019
  2. Chierro

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    Yep, I definitely feel this. For years in middle school and high school I had mainly female friends and there were questions of if it was anything more. One of my friends I also kind of knew was into me.

    I think more often, I just have guys (random or family members) strike up conversations just about girls and it's super awkward because 1) I can't relate and 2) why are we talking about girls this way?

    I feel like part of it is that we're conditioned to think it has to be more. I mean, I completely agree, guys and girls can just be friends, but we've been heteronormatively (don't think that's a word but I'm going to roll with it) trained to think that a close friendship between a guy and a girl has to become romantic. I'm guilty of this (we kept asking my sister if her and her now fiancé were dating when they were just friends), but working on it.

    I feel like it's going to take some time for a culture shift to have more people see that just friendship is possible.
     
  3. Lgbtqpride

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    This is gender discrimination. People care about gender too much.
     
  4. HM03

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    Yup, this 100%. Most of my friends through out my life have been girls, and I've always been asked. Pisses me off - so glad I can come out to most people now :slight_smile:
     
  5. Shorthaul

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    I wouldn't call it gender discrimination, but just plain ignorance. Not all male + female pairing need to be about producing kids. Its just more difficult for people to understand that.
     
  6. Chierro

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    This is literally not gender discrimination. Gender discrimination is when you give preference to one gender over another. Ex: Someone hiring a man that is less qualified for a job over a woman who is more qualified simply because he is a man. That's not what we're talking about.
     
  7. BadassFrost

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    Yeah this happened to me as well. A year ago when I was still in high school, I used to spend a lot of time with one of my female friends, who was also my classmate, and many other classmates started to assume that we're probably a couple or soon will be.

    Now that I'm completely out however, I've also experienced an lgbt version of this situation. A female friend of mine kept asking me if I'm dating/going to date one of my guy friends, since she probably saw me often around him. It was kind of funny, but awkward at the same time. The truth is, that he's also gay, but he's already dating someone else and he's not my type anyway. I informed her about this, but still she later asked me few more times "if anything changed between the two of us" and told me that "it would be cool if you two guys started dating". I guess some people just like to care about other people's relationships too much...
     
  8. Loves books

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    When I was a kid my best friend was a boy and even at a young age there was all these jokes about him being my boyfriend. We had a fake wedding in the school garden, the whole class was involved I had about 8 bridesmaids and one boy begged to be the priest. We moved away and I was stuck in same sex schools since but I get on really well with boys. Ever since I came out to my mom she doesn’t assume I’m in to the guys I mention. I would like to see more friendships only between men and woman. Like the friendship between the flash and supergirl except in real life.
     
  9. Forlong

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    The idea of girls and boys can’t be just friends without a relationship following is another way society pressuring hetero relationships on us. I had a dozen or more male friends growing up and I was told by adults a young lady shouldn’t be hanging around a bunch of boys. That it wasn’t ladylike, people will talk and I might get labeled as promiscuous. I just like that the boys like to do stuff besides playing with dolls.
     
  10. Canterpiece

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    It's a little strange for me to think that I used to play with dolls, because now I have a phobia of them. However, that only applies to realistic dolls that look like babies or toddlers. One time I walked through an old mansion with a load of porcelain dolls... had nightmares for a week. Anyway, as a child I used to hang out with girls exclusively. There were times where I considered being friends with certain guys, but my friends would threaten to leave me if I ever did. I didn't want to risk losing my friends, because I worried that if I did I might not be able to make new ones.

    Had a fear of being an easy target. Strength in numbers after all. I'll admit that I rather liked the days where it was just me, I got to live in my own little World without having to worry about complicated friendships. The seating area outside the head teacher's office used to have these dolls...I hated them so much. Mainly because the expressions on the dolls faces were just so...fake. It freaked me out a lot and I used to either throw them on the floor or turn the dolls away so that they'd face the wall.

    Couldn't stand to look at their faces....I'd seen people back then who had started out acting so positive only to end up mentally breaking down and I...developed a fear of optimism I suppose (one I managed to overcome). Overly optimistic people usually scared me because I was absolutely terrified of what they might be hiding. That it could be my fault somehow...and that they might pose a threat to my safety.

    These days I usually put my phobia down to seeing a clip of Child's Play as a kid, but I think that there's probably more to it than that. It's somewhat to do with the emotion on a doll's face...that sickly sweet smile...ugh.

    I still think positively of my Barbies though. My method of playing with them was a little unorthodox, but I found it entertaining enough. Used to treat them more like Superheroes than Barbies...there was a good barbie and a bad barbie. Ken was the damsel in distress. Despite having a friend group, I was something of a loner... I preferred playing alone more than anything else. When I was by myself, I didn't have to play by anyone's rules. I got to make up my own story lines, and would get very upset if anyone interrupted this time or tried to join in.

    Fantasy and music were my routes of escape, they were personal. I didn't want to share that. Not out of a need to be mean....but as a way of coping with the World. :pensive: Sorry, I seem to have gone off topic here. :sweat_smile: But yeah, in summary, dolls, got a lot of mixed feelings towards them...
     
    #10 Canterpiece, Jan 22, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2019
  11. Forlong

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    :slight_smile: :slight_smile: It’s your thread you can talk about whatever you want to lol. When I was little girl I did have dolls and like you I prefer to play with them alone. I treated my dolls better than people, not that I was mean but I felt like my dolls were real. I had a very active imagination and still do, I believed my dolls would come to life when I was asleep lol. I know crazy but I truly believed it when I was between 4-7 years old. So I made sure they were taken care of and didn’t believe friends would care for them like I did :slight_smile:.
     
  12. Devil Dave

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    I get similar reactions when I meet up with my straight male friends. I'll tell someone I'm meeting a friend and they'll say "oh, a friend eh? who is he?" and I'll say he's straight and then they'll react disappointed that I'm not having a steamy hookup with some hot gay guy.

    This is insulting to me for two reasons. First of all, I'm very grateful to have friends in my life who are straight males that feel comfortable with me and are not bothered that I find other men attractive, so that's hardly disappointing. And second, if I am going on a date with a gay guy, I'll tell people "I've got a date". I won't be shy and coy about it and say "I'm meeting a friend". I'm not closeted. I'm not embarrassed about my sexuality, I don't hide it from anyone, so if I say I'm meeting a friend, I really am just meeting up with a friend. It doesn't always have to be about sex.
     
    #12 Devil Dave, Jan 23, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2019
  13. Lgbtqpride

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    Can two gay people be friends?
     
  14. Mihael

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    Tell those people whatever you want. You don't owe them the truth. If they have the right to invade your personal space (not physically), you're allowed to defend it and lie.

    I get comments like that all the time too, it's so BS. I get them both ways, people assume my female friends must be a girlfriend, because I seem like a butch lesbian, and people assume my male friends must be dates too. No win.
     
  15. yayo1

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    One of my best friends is my ex of three years (who I’ve known for 5 years). He’s a spectacularly wonderful man and I adore him but we were a shit show together.

    When we hang out, people typically assume we’re an item. We laugh it off. Been there, done that. Better as friends.
     
  16. dano218

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    From what I experienced and I am not trying to generalize or stereotype all gay men but some gay or even straight men perceive any type of hanging out with a guy who is gay as a hook up or a date, For that reason some gay men find it easier to develop friendships with mostly females.
     
    #16 dano218, Jan 28, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2019
  17. found

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    true, but also media forces upon this image of gay guys being feminine, thus feeling safer and friendlier around women, but there are many gay guys many i know who are very masculine and only hang out with guys but still have a boyfriend out of that friend circle, all in all media pushes this image of gay men only being friends with girls.
     
  18. Andrew99

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    Oh I know not everything has to be a battle of the sexes. Also just because a guy and girl are friends doesn’t mean they automatically like each other or are dating.
     
  19. Love4Ever

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    Yes I get this! I hate the pressure! I actually had a guy who was a “friend” a year ago. At first I’ll admit, I wasn’t sure if I could have feelings for him or not, but after a few times hanging out that seemed like dates to other people but actually weren’t, I realized that I wasn’t into him...and I’m actually pretty gay. I have a girlfriend now. But the constant talking about whether we were dating, we should try going out as a couple, I should date him, etc. was so exhausting and frankly distressing. I got upset a couple of times mostly just because I could feel this pressure and I wasn’t interested. We were not right for each other in a bunch of ways. But my parents liked the idea of me dating him because I’d never had a boyfriend and they thought I should give him a chance. I used to be a lot straighter than I am now so they thought I would want this and I should try dating him.
     
    #19 Love4Ever, Jan 31, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2019
  20. Kevin k

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    Lol ikr. I used to have this friend who rode the bus with me, and we'd sit together. Everyone thought we were a "cute couple" even though she was openly lesbian and I defiantly didn't look very straight.