Lesbian or Asexual?

So, I'm 41. Never been married. Grew up in a conservative, Evangelical Christian community and home in the south. Never dated seriously, and I'm starting to think I may be gay but am unsure. I never really was super attracted to guys beyond warm friendship pretty much at any point in my life. Never really had crushes for guys. During the abstinence spiel at church, never understood why they seemed to think it would be so hard. The handful of times I dated in high school and college, when I kissed them I didn't get any of the feelings people describe (as far as swooping stomach or heart racing). When they tried to touch me, I was repulsed. Which at the time, I was of a mindset that I needed to date so I could get married and have babies because that's what the church tells you is your job. I found out partway through college that the baby part wasn't going to be so easy or necessarily have a great outcome and I wasn't enjoying dating so I just sort of gave up.

Meanwhile, growing up (and honestly until more recent years in my life) I didn't knowingly know any lesbians. My family, church, and community presented being gay as this terrible, wretched thing. So, if i caught myself admiring a woman I'd very quickly try to find something else to focus on. When, as an pre-teen and teen, I was a little too interested in certain women at my church (and my stomach swooped at the thought of spending time with them or my heart pounded about to knock on their door to hang out with them), clearly this was just because I admired them and wanted to be like them. It couldn't possibly be a crush. But then college me and older me never experienced that again. But, I think it's possible I also got much better at the suppression game. So I've effectively spent from college to now living as if I was asexual because I knew I wasn't interested in men and being gay was unthinkable. It was ok for other people because that was their business, but not me.

Fast forward to now...what I'm realizing (or maybe acknowledging) in the last month and a half is that when I play video games, I'm more interested in the lesbian versions of the relationships. Much more interested. When I watch films or tv shows with lesbian relationships, I'm fascinated. Sometimes even a little turned on. When I read adult scenes in fanfic, sometimes I get turned on. That made me start to question. Then I started watching the L word on Netflix and some of the scenes turned me (not always but sometimes). Whereas, movies or shows with straight couples I've always been indifferent or embarrassed by the adult scenes. When I quit suppressing, I noticed that watching movies, I pay attention to the women way more and I enjoy the movies more. If I'm out on a walking trail, I'm not turned on or anything but my eyes are drawn to the women. (when I was suppressing, I always sort of looked at the ground or at people's feet).

But, then I haven't (since I was a teen), felt strong feelings for a particular woman. But, then I don't know any single gay women so I don't WANT to feel that way necessarily inappropriately for random people or people who aren't even eligible. And then I have no idea how I'd respond to an actual human person.

Am I likely gay or just sort of a gay leaning asexual? Or do I just need to keep working through this with a therapist?

 

I apologize for the essay.

 

What you're saying makes sense. I had an initial meeting with a therapist who specializes in LGBQT and sort of start in earnest next month.

I guess, reading the description, being demisexual wouldn't be completely shocking because I'm kind of introverted and can take awhile to trust and warm up to people with friendships. So, maybe that translates to my sexuality as well? The women I had crushes on were women I knew and admired and trusted by the time the crushes hit. It wasn't instant, so I guess it fits. Plus, of course I'd be the super rare, obscure thing. lol. I guess I'll see what comes out of therapy over time.

I guess it's going to be an interesting journey. While I was a little shocked and initially freaked out, I'm not even upset or ashamed at the idea of being a lesbian. It creates complications with my family, but in and of itself. I had kind of been slowly been becoming disenchanted with my religious community for a long time now and had sort of lost the respect I had left for them over the last 2 or 3 years. I think my fear and shame revolve more around my age and inexperience and that it took this long and fear about how I'll be received by that community.

I definitely don't feel ready to try and date anyone yet (and the therapist did kind of advise against that already just given my situation). I guess maybe just trying to make some friends in the LGBTQ community might be the best start, like you're saying? Maybe not even looking for love yet. Right now, I only actually have one lesbian friend and she was really more of an acquaintance until all this came up. Or if I try to make friends with lesbians are they going to be annoyed if it becomes apparent I'm asexual or demisexual and at the end of the day? Do I need to figure that out before I start trying to make friends in that community in real life? I guess at the end of the day, I feel fairly confident I'm not straight. I'm not confident what I am exactly but I'm not a garden variety heterosexual and never was.

Part of me thinks I could kind of keep living the way I'm living only without suppressing my feelings for women at a distance. But, then part of me likes the idea of romance and maybe having someone in my life if it were ever to work out (granted, i know to not chase it for it's own sake because that can cause its own problems). But, if I change nothing, right now it's not even a possibility because everyone in my life is straight except my one lesbian friend who's married. So, I'd have to change something.

At any rate, thank you for your help and your kind words. I didn't even know demisexual was a thing so that gives me something to think about.

 

I guess to be clear...fear and shame were kind of my original motivators for suppressing my feelings about women, but I feel like that faded and it's been more habit and reflex than anything for a very long time.

 

I think a few reasons. When I was a teen, if I caught myself staring at and admiring a woman's figure (in person or watching movies and stuff) I taught myself to look away. To intentionally not admire them. To not think of them as a possibility under any circumstances. I spent nearly 30 years doing that. So, now I'm trying to undo that habit (or figure out where the balance is between not rudely gawking at women in public and not completely shutting it down is). The concern the therapist very briefly mentioned in passing in our intro meeting is that it could create a confusing situation on a date (for myself or the date) if I'm still unintentionally suppressing. The advice that the therapist (and actually my gay friend and a couple of others) was to sort of just let myself live out in the world for awhile without suppressing and see how that feels before trying to add other people to the mix. But, I have to kind of find a balance I guess between not suppressing and not rudely staring at people at, say, the gym. I'm going on a vacation soon that's at sort of a people watching intensive destination so it should be interesting.

Another reason for me is that I have very, very little dating experience. I never got past a couple of dates. I never got good at getting dates. I've never had a serious relationship. I never had sex. So, from that standpoint, it's almost like I'm still 13 years old only I have the body of an overweight, out of shape 41 year old. So, that's daunting for all sorts of reasons and part of the reason I wanted to see a therapist to begin with.

Then, if I can get past those first two things...I have an extremely homophobic family (which is a major part of why I was suppressing to begin with). If and when this comes out, it almost certainly be relationship damaging and could be relationship ending with some of them depending on how things go. Me having a serious relationship where people need to start meeting is what would force that issue. So, I'm not sure I want to set events in motion that could lead to that before I've talked to my therapist about that in any serious sort of way.

And then, right now, I just don't know any lesbians I could date. I have one co-worker who's married (plus, dating at work is bad juju). The friend who's been talking me through things is married. I've got one other lesbian acquaintance who is a seemingly nice person but who doesn't like dogs and made it clear she hated my dog in particular on a previous meeting...so I that doesn't seem promising. So, I logistically need to start meeting other lesbians and trying to make some friends, which is on my agenda, but probably not until after my vacation and I've got a project that's consuming my weekends I need fo finish.

I want to get there (as far as at least trying dating), but I don't want to jump the gun. Especially when I had a licensed therapist and at least 3 friends (including the one actual lesbian I had been talking to about all this) all tell me it's too soon.

 

Oh and to answer your other question I guess... I gave up on dating guys long, long ago because I wasn't romantically attracted to them. Even in college when I was surrounded by young, good looking guys I just was never really interested in any of them as more than friends. So, when I realized that having kids wasn't in the cards (so, being a good baptist wife with 2.5 kids wasn't going to happen), I sort of gave up because I wasn't enjoying dating guys to begin with. Before that I felt like I had to date. Like it was this means to an end because I felt like I HAD to get married and make babies because that's what baptist women do. Which I realize was not a healthy attitude and likely would've not ended well.

Which, dating women may not go any better, but I'd like to at least try. I definitely think I'm more attracted to women than I ever was with men but I guess I'll see... I guess it's kinda sad and slightly pathetic, but it's where I'm at. I may wind up more or less where I started with all this (which is to say, alone), but at least I'll understand myself a little better I guess.

 

Sorry, I'm not seeing a button to reply to your message on my profile page. I did see your reply on my post and very much appreciate it!

In some ways, it would almost be a relief to be a lesbian instead of just nothing (which is what I'd chalked myself up to be all this time). I guess it'll be hard to know until I try to actually see someone which may take some time to work up to. But, I guess there's also no hurry. I do know I saw the woman who had been sort of my first crush before I had started suppressing over the Christmas holiday (sort of randomly...hadn't seen her since i was a kid) and felt sort of a jolt and almost like arousal for a split second at one point when I made eye contact and sort of mumbled and ended the conversation awkwardly. (it was at church and her husband was standing right there and it beyond awkward and inappropriate). But, is that the same as having feelings for someone actually tangible? But, I guess there's not anyone tangible in my life right now, so how would I know? I dunno. I guess I'll get there eventually.

 

Thank you. I'm sorry you had to go through the conversion therapy. I'm honestly not sure that's not what would've happened to me if I'd accepted this in high school. Apparently one of my childhood pastors sent their son to one of those places. I was also advised to not watch Boy Erased right now.

I definitely think trying to find some gay friends in real life is probably my next step. I've had a few offers to try and introduce me to some people and my therapist suggested looking for a gay affirming church in the area, but we'll see. I've been watching Matthew Vines videos and reading "God and the Gay Christian" which I think has helped a lot. I definitely think you're right that this is no substitute for face to face relationships. It's been amazing reading through this forum the last few days, though. It's definitely answered a lot of questions and made me feel less alone (in the sense that it's not just me)...I mean I've had people (in real life) be very kind. But I can only hit up my acquaintance friend so much without starting to feel guilty. lol.

 

@weary Oh, and then yeah, the Southern Baptist "True Love Waits" stuff is totally part of how I was confused for so long. They were basically instructing teens to avoid anything that might cause feelings of sexual attraction at all costs (be that through avoiding situations or suppressing) and then mixed it in with a little shame and guilt. But for me, it made it where, when I wasn't having to work at all to not be sexually attracted to guys it didn't register that something was up. I just thought I was lucky that it was so easy and "mission accomplished". Joke was on me. Reading about women who went through that program in the 90's, I think the SBC unintentionally sent a whole bunch of women to therapy. Turns out if you convince girls to mentally associate sex with shame, you can't just turn that off on a dime on your wedding night as promised. But, I guess that's another conversation and isn't my problem at hand.

 

This wasn’t even therapy. This is what they were across the board teaching teens on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, at camps. There were concerts. In the 90’s this was across the board what they were telling teens. They were essentially encouraging teens to avoid intense kissing or touching or wearing clothing or watching or reading any type of material that might essentially cause arousal before a wedding night for fear that it could lead to premarital sex. And then you had the option to buy a "promise ring" that you were supposed to give to your mythical husband on your wedding night if you "stayed pure". And if you failed to stay pure, you were to give that ring to your mother. (not making that up). I could go on....but let's just say they layed it on thick.

Well, there are now magazine articles and books and things about the psychological damage that did to a lot of heterosexual women because it unintentionally made them afraid of sex in any context (married or not). And then, given my situation, I can't help but wonder how many people hetero people they sent into marriages with people they weren't attracted to and how many gay people they signed up for marriages because they never explored who they were actually sexually attracted to until they'd legally bound themselves to some poor person in front of their families and every friend they ever had.

It's kind of something I had never realized how messed up it was until now. But I'm pretty sure they messed some people up even if they had the best of intentions with it.

 

Yeah, I didn’t realize how much mental energy I was using to limit how I notice women until I went to see Fantastic Beasts last month. The lead women were beautiful in that film. Really beautiful. And it made me happy that they were beautiful. And instead of Eddie Redmayne and these somewhat faceless people, it was all these beautiful women and that guy playing the lead. And I was relaxed at the end of the movie. It just was...different for sure. Almost exhilarating. Before I’m pretty sure I would’ve subconsciously been trying to find other things in the scenery to focus on instead of just letting my mind go where it wanted to go for 2 hours.