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Have a baby with my friend?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mlansing, Jan 20, 2019.

  1. mlansing

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    A friend of mine is a woman I have known since college and she lives right down the street from me. We're both 35 and hopelessly single (she's straight, I'm gay), and while having drinks the other night we jokingly discussed having a kid together as a solid back-up plan.

    But all jokes aside, would that actually work? It would certainly be easier than having to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for in-vitro fertilization, but on the other hand it seems like it might fall under the category of "don't do business with friends" for how messy it could get.

    Has anyone had experience with this and could provide some insight? It's a long shot that it would even happen, but I am curious about it.
     
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  2. Destin

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    Sure, it could work. I don't really see why it wouldn't. You guys would just be in the same situation divorced parents are in - the kid would spend half its time with you and half its time with her.
     
  3. Unsure77

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    Do you always plan to live reasonably close together? The other thing to hold in mind being that this would kind of permanently put you in each other’s lives just like divorced parents. Birthdays, sports events, school programs, graduations, weddings, grandkids. You would be sharing all of that, which may not be bad if you’re good friends. Good luck.
     
  4. Hawk

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    I'd consider the child as well, other than just having a kid as a "back-up" solution. If you don't plan to be committed to each other, I don't think it would be fair to the child to be passed back and forth between parents. Also, do you know if you'll always live close to each other? I personally don't think it would be the best idea to, as you say, "do business with friends".

    Unless you end up with a partner, I might consider her to be a surrogate, but to have a kid just for the hell of it, I don't think is the best idea, no matter how good your intentions for the child are.
     
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  5. Rade

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    You would be giving up your free, single gay life. That is a big sacrifice. I'm a guy separated from his wife. I would love to be free and able to do what I want, when I want. But I'm a responsible father to my 3 kids so my time is limited....think carefully, it's 18 years of hard work...
    Jon
     
  6. Verklighet

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    I have never heard of such
    a thing, to be honest, but you should
    think it through before making your
    choice - It is a big decision. The people
    above have given wonderful advice.
     
  7. weary

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    It could work but you would definitely want everything spelled out in writing so there are no surprises and everyone knows each other's expectations. Include in the plan the possibilities of both of you eventually getting married to other people and what would happen at that point. Imo if you both are honest with each other, it would work out better than divorced parents as there isn't any emotional baggage tied to the relationship. You would be two parents there for the child, with an extended family later on if you do find someone.
     
  8. Mihael

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    Why not? I have a backup plan like this myself. But I would just take sperm from a friend, and I'd carry the child and raise them myself. Of course the father would be free to see his offspring all the time, but he could have a family of his own and I want to have a girlfriend too. And a family of my own.
     
    #8 Mihael, Jan 21, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2019
  9. Mihael

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    I pretty much got used to the thought of being a single mother. I never got on in relationships with men.
     
  10. Chiroptera

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    Raising a child can't be an experiment. You are putting another human being on the equation - one that needs much of your attention, time, money, patience and love for at the very least 18 years of your life.

    I know your intentions sounds good, but I advise you to be really, really careful about this. A child can be a great thing, if you are fully prepared for it and if you are willing to raise another human being from the start. With all due respect, but a kid isn't something that should be used as a back up plan, or any plan at all.

    I'm trying to lecture you, and I'm not even saying it wouldn't work. However, it is something that definetely needs lots of thought and planning before even starting it. It isn't something to discuss lightly with your friend. If you really intend to think about this, then take some time to reflect upon this alone, and then to think about this with your friend/SO.

    Once you get a child, you can't just give up on him/her. Please, consider the complications that might arise and if you are willing to go through them, not just for you and your friend, but for the kid.
     
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  11. weary

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    I didn't think the question related to having a child, but whether it was doable or a good idea to do so with a friend. I hope at 35 the op has already considered the idea of actually being a parent and what having a child entails. Parents come in all shapes, sizes, styles etc.. As long as the parents of an individual child put the thought of what the best interests are for that child first, things have a way of working out. You can do all the pre-planning in the world to have or not have a child, but the most important thing is to love and support the child once it's here.
     
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  12. PatrickUK

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    If it is something you are both serious about, I would strongly advise you to draw up a co-parenting agreement, taking full account of the division of care, responsibility and financial support, right up to the point of maturity. In other words recognise that you would be entering into a 16+ year commitment that would see you both in family court if things go awry.

    Arrangements such as these can work and more and more gay people are involved in stable co-parenting arrangements for their biological children (often a gay man/couple with a lesbian woman/couple), but it is important to set those legal parameters before embarking on the process. I don't think you can enter into arrangements such as these on the strength of friendship alone, because friendships can and do break down.