I am a woman married to a man and started questioning my orientation over a year ago when I started to feel an attraction or crush toward women. (Looking back I realize i probably suppresses these feelings as far back as my late teens) Over the past year I have had several crushes on women. Sometimes a stranger from afar sometimes an acquaintance that I do not have much interacrion with. Recently I have felt a crush toward a woman I met online in another support group but our conversations and meet-ups are very platonic and appropriate. With all these crushes including my recent friend I do fantasize about them and am excited in a young crush kind of way about my daily messenger conversations with my new friend who knows about my orientation. I also met another acquaintance who is a parent at the school my children go to.. we were at a school kids bday party and I felt instantly attracted to her in a crush kind of way and we are planning on getting our childent together for a play date in the near future. She is married and this attraction will stay in my mind but it’s starting to make me wonder at what point does a crush become inappropriate when married. I haven’t acted on any of these feelings so I feel like I haven’t crossed a line but curious what others think. Side note - I have been with my husband for 14 years but this past year has been my first experience with having real crushes. Interestingly I never had feelings of a true crush (at least not intense like this with these women) toward another guy in all the years I have been with my husband so I do not have anything to compare these feelings with. I haven’t told my husband about my shift in orientation yet and just want to know what is considered innocent if that makes sense.
I think it depends on what kind of crushes these are. I'm married to a man and had a crush on another man recently, he made me feel alive and I was very much attracted to him. He was both mentally and sexually stimulating and I used this to enjoy sex life more with my husband. However, things took a turn when I started comparing my husband to this guy, started thinking of a new life with him and just didn't want to spend time with my husband at all. That and I crossed the line into an emotional affair. In the straight world, some people say it's okay to think of other people while married. I think that's okay too, but I crossed the line and actually told this person how I felt. If however these thoughts were to happen with a woman; I dont know if I'd see it as a major problem, because feelings for my husband will still remain. I would see it as an issue if I no longer wanted to be with my husband anymore though. And definitely if I started an affair with this person.
In the past when I was intimate with my husband I could fantasize about the female crush to make intimacy more pleasurable with my husband. But as I acknowledges my sexuality being oriented more toward women it became difficult to be intimate with my husband and I withdrew from being intimate. Now when I experience a crush I have a desire to want to be with that person and fantasize not only physical intimacy with that person but also relationship/emotional stuff. I have not acted on any of these thoughts or impulses but I wonder if the increase in these fantasizes, crushes and noticing women more in general is also contributing to the decrease in intimacy with my husband. Or it has nothing to do with the crushes and just that I’m simply gay and that’s why ♀️
I've read that the more you experience your lesbian feelings; the more your straight feelings start to fade away. I have also thought of this. I used to say I wanted to live on an island with my husband only. Then I wouldn't be able to think of anyone else...I'd screw him like a bunny day and night lol
I have had a lot of crushes since accepting my sexuality and I think it’s because I’m not ignoring it anymore. My fantasies have increased to since my mind and body are on the same page. My husband and I sex life is paused right now because I can’t fake enjoyment anymore. So we just are roommates right now, we still try to communicate to each other. It’s different for everyone, in my early twenties I would say talking to a girl flirting. Now I’m open to more things, I wouldn’t care if my husband flirted with someone just not in front of me. He has female friends but he doesn’t hang out with them. Most are his classmates and work friends, so he facebooks. Work friends he texts and talks about stuff work related.
Yes - the more I accept my sexuality the more I am feeling very very attracted to women and feeling drawn to them all the time... this leads to me thinking about them, having fantasies and at the same time putting a pause on intimacy with my husband. I feel like it might not be crossing a line necessarily but is telling that I am having a lot of crushes all of a sudden but can’t transfer the excitement about these women and direct it toward my husband but actually it has caused me to have increased difficulty being intimate with him. At first when this al started I thought I might be bi but I never think about men or have crushes on men.. at least not like I do with women. @Beebee80 that transition to pausing intimacy happened for me as well. Not sure where the relationship will go from here. Did you talk with him about your orientation or was the conversation different in explaining why there is a pause?
@Elle993 I have talked to him about sex isn’t enjoyable anymore to but not the cause. He has accepted that answer for right now, I’m trying to include more details why. My husband you have to handle with kid gloves he’s very sensitive lately. I don’t want to put too much on him where he won’t listen. I don’t see the harm in fantasy but yes when it interferes with intimacy with our spouses. Sex with my husband stopped way before my fantasies started. I just wasn’t physically attracted to him anymore. I’m hoping once I tell him about my sexuality he will be accepting and maybe that will help with our intimacy issues. Having his support could alter how I feel or maybe not just hope. Oh another thing does your husband have issues with porn? I ask because mine does one of the reasons I don’t feel bad about my fantasies. He admitted years and years ago about his addiction to porn. Sexually I couldn’t satisfy him enough he would masturbate more than 10 times a day to women online. We argued about this a lot because it started affecting our sex life he was unrealistic in bed or impatient. So I feel I’m owed a little patience from him because during that time he was struggling with himself as well and I stood by him.
Oh goodness, I was talking to a friend today and remembered this feeling I once has for her. It was excitement and wanting to talk to her (nothing sexual). It reminded me of the feelings I would sometimes get for women. I haven't had these feelings for other women in years but I remember them. They were infatuation/limerence, it wasn't sex at all but a deep feeling to connect with them. This reminded me of the way my friends were with their boyfriends when we were young. They would be with their boyfriends for years and never have sex (yet). But they wanted to be around them constantly. I'm actually terrified of that feeling which is why when I am overtaken by these feelings I make a conscious effort to avoid all my girlfriends because I'm convinced I'm in love with them. It's pretty irrational, but anyone that connects with me has the potential to make me think of a life with them. I try to make a conscious choice to keep connecting with my husband. I do remember those women crushes from before and they were pretty intense. I stopped talking to a girlfriend because I couldn't take care of my baby. Remember that these feelings are new, its hard to compare them to older feelings for our S.O. I also do get those feelings for guys but it's also lusty and sexual. And I know the drill so I don't take notice because i already have a man at home lol.
Sounds like your fantasies and crushes might be your way of working through the sexual fluidity you are experiencing. As long as you don’t act on your feelings, I don’t think you’re going too far, but you will eventually need to figure out if you’re committed to staying with your husband. For me, once I acknowledged that my attraction to women was real, I realized I could no longer go through the motions pretending everything was fine with my husband. I told him in stages as I began to get some clarity around my feelings. First, I told him I didn’t enjoy sex, then that I was attracted to women, and then that there was a particular woman I wanted to be with. It was a relief to be honest with him. I wish I’d waited a bit longer to move forward with the woman I fell for, but things are ok. My husband and I are friends and coparents. We are mourning the loss of our marriage together, but we are both moving on. It’s been about a year since I realized I wasn’t straight. I hope you are able to figure out what works best for you.
Thanks @Butterfly6 and @SoulSearch Very helpful to hear your perspective... I am definitely working slowly through the stages. I told my husband I am not interested in see until I feel more of an emotional connection with him. We have been improving our friendship and that part feels good but it’s not helping me increase my desire to be with him intimately... meanwhile I am constantly drawn to and feeling very strong attraction toward women everywhere. My next step is to be honest about where I am with my sexuality with my husband... my goal is to do this next week so if I go through with it that will probably make for some bigger changes in our relationship.
