Exit plan

You can't be hasty. My wife and I are preparing for our split. Right now we are together as we pay down debt and saving. After we tell our son, probably in March, we will decide who keeps the house or moves out. If our son and daughter-in-law wants his mom to live closer, I will buy her out and keep the house. If she decides to stay, I will start looking for a small apartment and then move out. That should be in late spring. Right now I am working but looking for another part-time job so as to get some extra income.

We don't want to split now which would be financially disasterous for both of us. Even with this plan, it will be tight for us. I am fortunate that I already have some income coming in and that the house is paid off. It would be much more of a challenge for a stay at home mom with kids. That requires a lot more planning and money.

 

So sorry to hear that. It sounds that you have to move out soon. Do you have friends or family to move in in the short term? You could then look for a job before looking for your own place. If you have any assets, liquidate them or max out credit cards to raise some cash. There are always options. Good luck to you.

 

You can find a girlfriend that is financially stable to support you.

 

What strikes me here is that the person who you really need to discuss this with is your husband.

Have you had this talk with him?

 

I know you are in the thick of it and really feel a strong urge to just be done. You've got the right idea about needing income, place to stay. It takes time and not so easy to complete. It is not a process that should be rushed. If there is any way possible for you to stay where you are with your husband and work through this in steps, do so.

First thing is if you think it is safe to talk to your husband, sit down with him and talk it out. He may not want an open marriage, but he may have ways of helping you adjust after the heat of the discussion dies down.

Second is to get a job as soon as you are cleared by the docs medically after giving birth, usually 6 weeks if no issues. That way you have earnings coming in that you can start putting into savings to move out. If you don't have the education/skills needed to make the money you need, plan to take some night courses or online courses to develop the education needed.

Next is budgeting - I wrote up a sample budget on my timeline for someone else asking about moving out. If you need to look at, it check it out. Basically you need to figure in costs with and without assistance form your husband. To many women fail to do this and when crap hits the fan and they don't get cs, they panic. Once you have an accurate budget, you can plan on saving that each month for the move.

In all this you should keep the communication open with your husband. If things get to heated or he kicks you out, have a list of the women's shelters in your area available to go to for help. Many will set you up in a family housing unit with other single moms, and even start you on getting training needed for a good job and eventually your own place.

Just don't rush or jump five steps ahead of where you should be. Take it slow and plan.

 

have

have you read the book more than two? i never thought i would consider an open marriage, and have some similarities in your story, but after recently listening to the audiobook More Than Two have really learned so much more about myself, relationships and my feelings. even if you never consider open marriage, the book has wonderful advice for parents, friendships, co parenting and more.

if you can, maybe try taking up a hobby for some time? i took a few one night workshops and a few semesters of metalsmithing and it really helped to have some me time away from the kids and stress and i made some new friends.

 

You can make lgbt friends, attend pride parade, come out to your children.

 

Perhaps you and your husband could come to an understanding that satisfies both your needs? When I came out to my husband, he was supportive of me being a part of the LGBT community, going to events, meeting people, exploring that side of me. But he didn't feel comfortable with me doing anything sexual and I knew I would have to do that. So, due to that (plus a large amount of other reasons) I had to end it.

I relate to the confusion. I understand the exciting urges and I have wondered a lot whether these sort of infatuation feelings will just come and go as they please, and I wonder why I messed up my life and my marriage (I wanted to have kids with him) to go after them. But the truth for me is that I just wasn't into my relationship anymore.. it wasn't only about the queer part. If you can still see a future with your husband, that seems promising to me. I couldn't.

 

I really want to do this, just be a part of things without seeking out sexual relationships, but I feel like it won't work. Either I'll meet someone that I want to do more with, or I'll feel like an outsider because I'm in a hetero relationship. The loneliness really sucks, but I'm trying to stay for the right reasons and not just chase a fantasy.

 

My husband has also tried to be supportive, giving his blessing for me to explore this side of myself by starting to get into the community. But he’s definitely afraid that I’ll meet someone. Over time it can definitely put a strain on a relationship. And I definitely feel like an outsider at times. It’s hard.

 

Yeah, absolutely. I wonder too whether I left for the right reasons or am just chasing a fantasy. But I guess my choice to leave shows me that's what I wanted/needed. It was so hard to do, I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't necessary. But I think it's really brave to try and stay for the right reasons! Good luck.

 

Yes I agree it would be a strain. It's that "emotional cheating" gray area where you find your feelings for someone else prioritizing those for your spouse. That's what happened to me last year, though I certainly wasn't seeking it out. I'm looking for something I *should* have in my marriage, but then I get a bit jaded and wonder if my expectations are too high, regardless of gender. Sparks fade and relationships change, and that's when the work comes in. Maybe I would feel similarly disappointed/lonely with a woman after a while, and it's just my expectations that need to be adjusted. But I have no interest in other men, so it's not like I'm bored and looking for a newer, better model lol.

Thank you. I'm glad you're feeling some validation about your decision!

 

It's so validating to hear someone else say they are prone to emotional dependency on other women as well. Phew. Thanks

 

Oh good, yeah, I'm hoping I've learned my lesson, too