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Thinking about changing my identity

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Butterfly6, Jan 15, 2019.

  1. Butterfly6

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    Hi everyone,
    First off this post may seem like a rant but I'm just really embarrassed about my situation. I've been with my husband for 16 years and thought I was bisexual and a typical woman. Turns out I may be more on the gay side of the spectrum and possibly transgender.

    I work in the public eye and I just want to disappear. People see me as an inspiration and idol...a mom, good marriage etc. I thought I was this person but I'm really not now. I just want to erase my old identity and be the person I am now. I don't want to only be accepted, I need to feel like I belong and I currently feel extremely different.

    I'm becoming dysphoric about my body as a woman and can for some reason only see myself in a lesbian relationship as a man.

    Sorry, I am really asking has anyone just left where they lived, started a new life and never looked back?
     
  2. merry

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    i hope this message reaches you well, as someone who has been where you are in many ways i think the biggest step is coming to terms with who you are and not worrying about what others think (i am still working on this one, but have been feeling much better as i keep accepting myself).

    i also have a successful business and am in the public eye a bit, so change is especially hard there... but have you considered how much of an inspiration you could be to many?

    an amazing account to follow on instagram is ihartericka her and her partner ebony share so much of their journey. ericka is a sex and gender educator and ebony is transitioning very publicly. (this isn’t a safety concern as their account has over 100,000 followers and isn’t private friends of mine) i have learned so much from them and i think you may too.

    i totally get where you are, and i hope you’ll reach out again here.
     
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  3. Butterfly6

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    Thank you. I know I deal with a lot of internalized homophobia, while I am very open to other's sexuality, I'm very closed off about my own. It's very difficult for me at the moment because I built my business of "sexy" moms...I honestly looked up to women such as Jennifer Lopez because I respected her age and love for herself. I'm a female fitness model... I had no idea these thoughts I had were like this, I feel completely upside down. This has happened 2x before but always goes away once I become distracted again, work usually. Sigh, what a life.
     
  4. merry

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    check out iamsteph page on instagram. she is a wedding photographer for lgbtq weddings and has tons of followers and photos of power couples. very inspiring.
     
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  5. merry

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    madspaige is another beautiful non bianary person to follow, maybe not the mom crowd, but definitely inspirational.
     
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  6. eden

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    Butterfly6, I feel compelled to reply since we share a lot of similarities. I have been with my wife for 16 years. We're not arguers or voice-raisers. Long story short, I buried my true gender identity for decades, the coming out didn't go well, and I am also in the public eye. It did, in fact, damage my career. But, it opened up new doors, too. We're still breaking up the family. Very. Slowly. Depressingly. Quietly. And sadly.

    The turning point for me was a member from a forgotten forum. I'd love to find this person. I told her my age. She said they were the same age I was then and decided to continue burying it until they were 53. Still, they were happy they had finally come out. And they looked good. At that point, which was close in time to a four-car accident where law enforcement said I should not have made it, I knew I had to go forward and not look back. I still drive classic "lead sleds" to this day.

    Don't be embarrassed. There'll be plenty of time for that when you get misgendered, when people laugh at you, when you are discriminated against, and when you are ignored. As nice as I think I look and dress, all of that's happened to me. I'm an extra girl, and quite girly at that.

    I'm about to leave here and not look back. And I relish the thought. I have a plan, and it will be executed this year. I'm making sure everything is in place before I go, so that the second half of my life is truly beautiful. I feel my flower has not yet opened, and my time has not yet come.

    Make an appointment with a gender therapist and go for it. There's a whole life out there.