I was always somewhat physically attracted to women, but just kind of ignored it, as it didn't fit with the straight vision of myself that I had. Looking back, I also had some intense emotional connections with women as well. And once, someone "read my aura" and determined that I was missing female companionship in my life. But anyway.. I was always too distracted by being in a LTR with various men. Got married at 29. Not 2 weeks later, I started to develop an intense friendship with a woman. Turned into intense feelings, and eventually somewhat of a romance. I had no idea what to do, nothing in my life so far had prepared me for this turn of events. I was an emotional wreck. Head over heels in love with the wrong person, confused about my sexuality, and layers and layers of guilt and emotional distance being built up with my husband. I managed to maintain a good friendship with her, but my marriage suffered. Looking back, he and I already had significant communication issues, and this just exacerbated problems. After months of anxiety and guilt and shame, I finally told him about it. For awhile, we reconnected and it seemed like there was hope. I wanted things to work out with us, but I also had no idea how to explore my sexuality at the same time. After some therapy, time, lots of talks, and more breakdowns in communication, I came to the conclusion that the mountain of issues between us was too steep to climb. But more than that, I knew deep down I wanted to explore this new side of me, and I wanted to see what relationships with women or queer people would bring. I wanted to be seen, to be understood, to be loved for all parts of me. I wasn't getting that anymore. I had changed so much and he hadn't. We were not only on separate pages, but in different books. So it's been 2 months of separation now. I didn't imagine that I would get married and then immediately fail at it. But no one really knows what life will bring, do they? I am so thankful for the support of friends in my life, and also for my lovely husband. It has been such a sad time for both of us, and we are trying to navigate this separation gracefully. We've learned so much already. I sometimes feel like I'm a bit of a fake, coming out later in life. Like I'm trying to take up space that isn't mine. Or maybe that I'm trying to be like people that I admire. But it wasn't a choice that I made... it seems like it was a part of me that was just biding its time, waiting until I was ready, waiting until I was strong and wise enough to really, truly be my authentic self. Now I feel like this is just the beginning for me Thanks to everyone who has been sharing their stories on here for others (like me) read and relate to. Looking forward to reading more, and I hope my story speaks to someone out there!
I understand the intense emotional connections with women but being too involved with men to even take notice. Don't worry about coming out later in life, its extremely confusing when you have feelings for both sexes. I am only now realizing that my feelings for women could be sexual, I never actually knew that. I could see myself in a relationship with a woman but I never understood how the sexual aspect would work. I'm married to a beautiful man and have 3 kids. Keep posting, lots of helpful people on this site.
Not really. I am not focusing on coming out to friends/family/public quite yet. I am taking time to be by myself, and heal from the break-up of my relationship. When I talk to most people about it (except close friends), I talk to them about the other reasons why he and I are separating - poor communication, lack of interests in common, living situation .. (we had a roommate which did not help things), and my other personal reasons (feeling unhappy, dealing with anxiety, losing my sense of self, etc). And all of these reasons are legit, so it is good to talk it out. But I avoid the more personal issues surrounding sexuality. When I was crying to my mom the day I left my husband, I told her that part of what had happened was that I was interested in women. But she either missed that, or didn't react to that part of the conversation. So I left it at that for now. Once I feel more settled with my identity, or have had more time/space to heal, I will bring it up again with her. (My father is not in my life)
OK. First things First. You now know who you are and who you want to be. It’s going to be a massive shock to many of your friends and I suspect no surprise at all to some. You are doing the right thing by taking things one step at a time. I do think your mother should take priority over friends. Yes by all means use your friends to build your confidence but you owe it to your mother to be honest. You say you did mention it but you thought that she missed it. I rather suspect she didn’t. Maybe a sit down one to one is needed. If she did miss it then make sure she understands where you are. I was very lucky. I had a very supportive mother. Not everyone is that lucky. You do have friends who seem to be able to offer emotional support. Use them! You will probably need it at some stage. Now the tricky bit - you say you avoid the more personal aspects of sexuality. Sorry but that isn’t your call. You might avoid them but every one of your friends has an opinion and will offer advice. The very fact that you posted here prompted me to offer advice (and I don’t even know you - I don’t think). All I will say is listen to everyone, filter out the advice that is offered for ulterior motives (you’ll gets lots) and use the collective wisdom to move forward. Good luck!
This is so painfully relatable, as is much of your post. Thanks for sharing your story! You will find lots of support here, and lots of people who have these realizations after marriage (myself included). It doesn't make you any less a part of the queer community, life shapes us in ways we don't realize until something happens that gives us a glimpse of the truth. Then the truth is hard to unsee. How did you explain your separation to friends/family you aren't out to? That's one thing I fear is the fallout and loss of social support from loved ones if my husband and I were to ever separate.
Thank you for your support! I liked how you said "the truth is hard to unsee". I sometimes felt like I wanted to go back and "unsee" the truth, so that I could feel settled and happy with my husband like I used to. But there was no way back once this side of me emerged, so I had to move forward differently. I really hoped that my relationship could move forward too, in a new way, but I think it only highlighted that I was unhappy in my marriage in general. I've felt really lucky to have a supportive group of friends (some queer, some not) who I can turn to. During our marriage, he and I always maintained our own social lives and did lots of things separately. But I was also still afraid of the loss of social support, and I can definitely say it was one of the hardest parts (although I've found that most people - mutual friends, family members, etc have been MORE than kind and supportive to both of us). I explained it to other people with parts of the truth ... that we had both let our marriage devolve with lack of communication and intimacy. That I was unhappy and the situation was causing me anxiety/mild depression, and I needed to listen to my gut. That I was always a serial monogamist and had never taken the time to be by myself, and I really needed it. It's been hard to explain fully because a) I don't want to come out to everyone and b) I still don't even really understand myself. Now I'm taking it day by day and living on my own, and it's been really great so far.
Thank you, I appreciate your advice! I absolutely agree I will make sure my Mom has a better understanding of what's going on with me. She and I have always loved and cared for each other very much, but have a really hard time connecting on various levels. It will probably take a bit more time for me to get up the courage, for this reason, but I'll get there.
Hey Lucybee you absolutely shouldn't feel like a fake. This is your journey and everyone's is different. I totally agree with you that you have found this part of you when you were ready to deal with it. That was the case for me too. I know it's tough but it will be worth it in the end.
Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you are slowly figuring it out I get that serial monogamist mentality, I never really had a chance to live on my own or figure myself out before marriage. There are benefits to being single and having that space to yourself.
Welcome, Sorry what is LTR? Your still young and able to explore. Are you going to explore while married to your husband?
Hi, by LTR I meant the series of long term relationships I had been in with men. I was originally thinking I'd like to explore while married to my husband. But we didn't have a good communication skill set to deal with that and he was very against the idea. We had other problems as well and it led to a separation. So, no, at this point I think the marriage is over and any exploration will happen on my own. And yes, I am definitely thankful that I took these steps now to explore my sexuality
