I am unhappy but also really scared of change

The “crazed teenager” feeling is super common when we discover this new side of ourselves. Some people liken it to a second puberty. I’m 44 and have been with husband since I was 22. Two kids, nice house in suburbia, good schools... and I feel like an imposter. The soccer moms in their SUVs don’t know the real me. My husband doesn’t even know the real me. I hate that I can’t be who he wants me to be. Don’t you feel like you’re at a crossroads? Which path do you take? It’s true the grass isn’t always greener, but is that really what this is about for us? Just some musings...

 

What book are you reading?

 

Wow, that quote really touched a nerve for me. I can’t stand this feeling. I was just saying on another board that the woman I loved jerked me around for literally 6 months (and shame on me, I let her bc she’s the only woman I’ve been with and really, really loved her)... anyway I know she loved me but she wasn’t ever going to be ready to live the life with me that I wanted. I feel like she must have known deep down that she wasn’t ready, but selfishly she didn’t want to let me go either. Now I feel like I’m doing the same thing to my husband. Not exactly the same, but enough to make me feel like shit. I know deep down how this will end. I’m just not ready. I don’t want to hurt him, but this limbo is probably hurting him more than just making up my mind. Do you feel any closer to moving forward? What do you think would help or make you feel more comfortable?

 

i think you have to assess yourself. whether you want the fear of the unknown keep you from your happiness or conquer it and be free to live your life the way you want. i know it seems easier said than done, but you just have to take it one step at a time. as for you and your husband, maybe you can be out of the relationship but still be in a relationship with your husband. i mean, above and beyond, i hope you have built a really strong friendship with your husband that can survive after your marriage is dissolved (if that's the course you want to take). after all, you do have children together. so at the very least, you have that bond between you two. in any case, it's best that you talk to your husband about your dilemma. communication will be the best tool to aid you to find your answers.

 

Good Luck @Elle993 Don't stress to much about talking with him. I don't think anyone can fail so badly at it as I did! I think I will hold that title forever.

 

Good luck @Elle993! You can do this

 

Good luck @Elle993 - you're sounding positive and have a plan in place. Will be rooting for you.

 

Great idea about the timing before therapy.

 

Hi, I just signed up for this forum today. I'm 31 and I recently (2 months ago) initiated a separation from my husband. I read through this thread, and thought I would respond, as I have recently faced so many of the same issues and understand how painful this is. (I do not have children with him, though, and I can only imagine how things makes things so much harder.)

I also withdrew from my husband, after I had an intense romantic friendship with someone. It threw me through a loop, as I didn't realize I was queer until this happened. My perspectives on myself, my sexuality, my vision for my life, my interests, started to change drastically, and I had no idea how to talk to him about it. I was unhappy and very anxious to the point of not taking care of myself, for a year or so. Eventually I had the talk with him. It didn't go well at first, but there was a period where we actually felt closer and were communicating better and even gaining a bit of intimacy. I felt a lot of hope at this stage. I feel like some couples could really make it though this.

But I started to realize that there was more to it than just being open and honest, and probably more to it than just me being queer. I needed change, and I felt stagnant, trapped, and not my authentic self. I withdrew again a bit, and then I asked for some space to try and get a handle on the anxiety. Living apart for a little bit helped me realize that I felt more like myself again. When I went back to him, it fell apart really quickly. I couldn't see a way to move forward with him as I couldn't picture my life ahead without experimenting with sexuality/relationships with women or other people, and having the freedom to be myself.

The breakup was extremely painful.. I lost a best friend and my family. Christmas was awful. I still consistently question myself and whether I made the right choice. But I have to continue to trust that if I made this choice, it IS the right choice for me. Clearly, it is time for me to go down a different path. It is really sad. I love him and care for him. We are trying to navigate this separation, and neither of us really knows what it looks like. But I do feel better on my own and I must listen to that truth.

Sorry this reply is so long, but it is just so nice for me to hear of other people who have been in similar situations. Thank you, and I am wishing the best for you!

 

Hi! Of course, I am happy to answer any questions. I'm so glad I found this forum as a support.

Yes, it does sound like you are at a similar point to where I was when I told him. It felt like a breaking point, like I couldn't hold it back from him any longer. I just basically bit the bullet. I think I told him when we were walking home one night. It wasn't graceful, it was mostly really awkward. I told him I'd like to talk to him about some things that are really important to me, and I told him that I'm attracted to and interested to women, and I had to elaborate and tell him that this came about because of my friendship with this person. So, he reacted pretty poorly because he had also known and been friends with this person and it hurt him that I had kept this from him. I don't think he would have reacted so poorly if I had just said "I think I might be bi" or whatever. I tried to make it clear that I was still interested and attracted to him (because I was at the time), but that these feelings and parts of me needed to get out in the open in the interest of honesty and emotional connection.

Re: my romantic friendship. It was a close friendship at first, and it turned romantic for me really quickly, longer for her. I didn't share my feelings at first (had no idea what was going on), but eventually did when it was clear there was both physical and emotional attraction between us. Physically we didn't take it very far (obviously I was married), and emotionally it put our friendship on the rocks, so we tried to come back down from it. It worked ok, but by that time I was realizing I could totally be fully gay, and was feeling really messed up about my marriage and also still intensely attracted to my friend. So it was messy for awhile.

I'm glad you are about to talk to him, I hope it goes well. And it's definitely a great idea to have a couple processing days before therapy - my husband's reaction the first night was totally changed by the time we got to the 2nd or 3rd day, and it was a lot easier to communicate by then.