After a year of asking myself and working hard to find the answer, I'm clear that I don't want to leave my hetero marriage. I identify as being a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale (predominantly straight and incidentally or more than incidentally gay). I don't need to be sexually intimate with a man, but at the same time I need to embrace and express the gay part of myself. My wife is a full-on Kinsey zero, so it's difficult for her to understand; it's like it would be for me to try to fully understand the experiience of giving birth to a child. While she's feeling threatened and insecure , it's really difficult for me to explain things that I'm only beginning to understand myself. Question: How have you managed to help someone who is totally straight to understand the experience of not being totally straight?
I have explained it as seeing two possible lives/roles within myself, and I choose to live one. So in my hetero marriage, I have some more feminine roles that complement my husband's masculine roles (and I don't mean that in a sexist way; this dynamic obviously is and should be different from couple to couple. I just show love to him a certain way based on his personality and how I see his role in my life). There is another side of me that could see myself happily in a relationship with a woman, sexually and emotionally, and embracing a different dynamic, perhaps (but not necessarily) being more masculine myself. So I can enjoy feeling beautiful and complimented/desired by a man, but would also enjoy giving that same attention to a woman and making her feel that way. This is my experience of bisexuality (the label I go with for now); it could be different for others who identify differently. I believe gender and sexuality greatly affect personhood. I feel very different things when I'm attracted to a woman versus a man, to an extent I even see myself differently in each context. You mentioned the Kinsey Scale; the Klein Grid may also be helpful in breaking down various aspects of your sexuality into more concrete factors, such as attraction vs vs actual behavior vs identity. I don't know if this is helpful, I may add another comment if I can collect my thoughts better later lol. I look forward to hearing what others have to say!
I like @LaneyM 's response. I think if you keep communication open with your spouse, over time they will come to understand as best possible. I've gone every which way in my journey and I've been honest with it all no matter how hard for my husband to hear it. I think this week he is finally getting it. He has acknowledge that it isn't abut him and it is my issue dealing with my sexuality where before he was still believing it was somehow something he had done wrong as a husband. He has even suggested that he would consider an open marriage on my part. If you are not wanting to leave your marriage, you are going to have to be completely open and honest with her every step of the way. There are some on EC that have been able to make a m-om type marriage work even with the LGBTQ spouse having outside marriage relations. Hopefully they will respond.
Sven Does your wife understand being gay? Because being bisexual is sort of like being partly gay. So, in my case, my wife understands homosexuality very well. She knows it is not a choice and she knows it is not something that is unnatural, perverted, or an illness. She knows enough about the history of humanity, cultures etc to understand that gay has always been with us and a functional part of society. Given this, bisexuality, is an obvious extension. If one can be straight and another can be gay it makes sense that some of us can be both. I would explore trying to get your wife to understand being a Kinsey 6 before trying to nuance a Kinsey 2. Does your wife know any gay people? My wife had a gay male roommate in college and her best friend in med school was a gay man. So, she had a lot of experience with gay people and really prefers them to straight (she has a high percentage of lesbian friends). Your wife may need some immersion in things that are gay. In general, does she have an open mind? I think that helps.
I think my wife has an open mind, especially in matters affecting other people. She has said that if any of her kids turn out to be gay, she'll love them just the same because it's their happiness and well-being that matter. But she's also insecure. She seems to think Kinsey-2 is the path to Kinsey-6. When we went shopping over the weekend, she tuned into every time she thought I was noticing a man, and faulted me for not seeming to notice attractive women. She's worried that I'm going to pivot to full-on gay and leave her.
Sven This is a natural concern. It is common for people to try and accept being gay by accepting being only "partly gay" to start with. So, I would say that her concerns deserve attention. You can only re-assure her that you love her and are committed to her and not going to leave her for a man. My wife has that same concern. But, what my wife understands is that I can't change the way I feel. So, we just need to work on ways to integrate my sexuality within the marriage. I am curious that your wife finds an attractive man to be more of a threat than an attractive woman. My wife is the opposite. I have to be careful and not flirt with women too much. When I came out to my wife I asked her to remarry me. I told her given everything I now know about myself I would choose her all over again. We're doing a ceremony this summer. She needs reassurance.
Address this issue with her. Reaffirmation is sometimes needed often during the initial adjustment phase. My husband was very insecure when we met because his previous spouse had cheated on him, got pregnant then divorced him for the other man. Her issue of insecurity may have nothing to do with you, but you won't know what she is thinking until you talk to her about what you are thinking.
Letting her know how much you love her and love spending time with her. You are doing a great job. Telling her and showing her you love her will help her feel insecure. I hope you are doing okay through all of this.
I am NOT an expert on this I am not married - but from reading a lot of posts around here, a lot of older guys who came out to their wives had a reaction from their wives of 'what did i do wrong to turn him gay' . To her, she might understand you looking at a young woman with a nice ass (she might even like the idea if it looked like a young version of her )but for you to be attracted to something totally outside what you guys shared.. that is probably a lot to process!
Sorry I meant to say keep her feeling secure not insecure. I think you understood. Show her you love her. I understand where you are at.
Hi @TrevinMichael - Yeah, I knew what you meant! I've been giving my wife lots of long, tight hugs. It seems to reassure both of us. I really want to talk with her more about my gayness -- it seems like the wrong time to bring it up when there's already tension between us, but when we're getting along I hate to stir stuff up.
@SevnButton your consideration and affection for her must go a long way in reassuring her (I can't speak for all women, but I think most wives really appreciate that!). Would it help to "schedule" a time to talk? Perhaps saying something like "I want to take the time to explain to you how I feel so you understand better and worry about it less" so she doesn't wonder what your agenda is. Sometime when you know you'll both be alone and relatively relaxed. Then you don't feel like you're spoiling a nice moment, and she won't be surprised that you're bringing it up.
Hi @LaneyM - that's an interesting idea. It's just kind of hard to schedule things. I wish my wife and I could get into a conversation where we're helping each other to figure things out. All too often our conversations become adversarial.
I get that, especially if you have kids I'm sure it's difficult. Thankfully my husband is a pretty calm person to talk with (even when I'm not, lol) so if we have enough time to talk it out we can usually reach a place of understanding. I wish the best for you both as you figure this out
